We just spoke with the GAL last night and he will be coming to our house next week. Has anyone ever experienced this? Will we be in the room while the GAL is speaking with SD? Any suggestions are welcome.
Thanks
The GAL should speak to the two of you without SD in the room and visversa. Be forewarned that EVERYTHING you say will be in the report, but not everything your SD says, to protect her privacy. Everything BM said about you will be there too- this can be a great opportunity for anger, but we chose to see it as humorous.
I didn't say anything I didn't want in the report, but I was afraid for SD when the report came out b/c her mom would know how much SD told us about BM. Luckily, just about every report came out while SD was at our house.
Peace, love, and red wine
What happens if SD lies about everything to protect BM! Will the GAL be able to tell? SD told us that BM told her to pack her stuff and go live with her new mom(SM) and dad. We also told him that when calling to talk to SD when asking questions BM answers them for her which is obvious that BM listens to our phone calls. Also SD told us that BM throws stuff when she talks to SM over the phone. Are these concerns or should we keep them to our selves?
GAL will not ask SD to verify or deny anything either side says. Probably b/c if it's not true it could plant ideas in the child's head. How old is SD?
Our GAL simply bonded with SD first visit. She asked to talk to her in her room in each house (I think I was in the room then- can't remember now. SD usually wanted me in the room.) Then BM had to drive SD from her house to a fast food place and leave her alone with GAL and leave. I think this was so it was a neutral spot. Often I notice with my BS's that when their at their Dad's they think in the culture of that house, and when they're at my house they think about things like we do. For instance my younger son will write his address for something at school as whatever house he came from that day. So perhaps psychologically our GAL knew a neutral place would allow SD to be more neutral as to what she felt like saying.
My best advice is don't make this the last appointment. We got SD into GAL, and also let her talk on the phone alone with GAL anytime she asked. Then they developed a ton of trust. We also told SD to tell GAL anything she wanted but....every time she complained to me about BM I had her log it in a journal so she would remember to tell GAL next time. Then I would hand it to her to refresh her memory, but tell her if she changed her mind about any of it it was up to her. It was tough...I really wanted her to tell EVERYTHING. But you just can't coach. That was as close as I could get without overstepping.
Our attorney didn't like it. He thought I was getting too involved. BUT...
On our last visit to GAL I gave SD and GAL a copy of SD's complaints. ( also had done this with her psychologist earlier in the week.) Then I left the room to let them discuss it.
About half way through SD came down and asked me to come up. When I got up there SD said, "You forgot one. Tell her about my sheets."
SD had a bedwetting prob. We would just make her wash her sheets but BM would berate her and threaten to make her sleep in the garage, or in the tub. BUT SD was very selfconscious so when she hadn't mentioned this I didn't write it down. So spontaneously this comes up in front of GAL.
I said, "Well honey, I didn't think you'd want to talk about it since you didn't tell me to put it on your list." Sd asked me to tell it. SO I just said about the sheet thing and the sleeping in the garage thing.
SD interupted with "No tell her about how she won't wash my sheets."
I was stunned. SD must have thought she shared this with me. My mother hen instinct reared itself. I said, "What? She makes you sleep on the wet sheets?" And SD said she did. I looked at ad litem and said, "I hadn't yet heard that one." Then I asked if that was all SD needed from me and she said, "Yep." So I left the room. I am a writer and I remember thinking, "I couldn't have scripted that better."
If she had any doubts about my sincerity, the GAL knew I was the "real mom" to SD from that moment on.
My SD is 8 and really never says anything bad about either parent unless it's really bad to the point that she gets upset. SD has even said that when ever she is at BM's, BM sleeps the whole time. We have always told our kids to tell the truth about everything even about us. Thanks for the advise. I may have SD start a journal.
With the journal if she's 8. The GAL could see you as coaching big time. My SD was 12 so there's a huge difference. Do you have her to a counselor? That person is vital with younger kids. Ours would just see us every other time too. So she would document our concerns as an unbiased observer. Very important to the court.
So if we were to make our own journal how would the GAL see that. I have not had SD keep a journal but we keep everything that she writes in school and at church which shows her feelings as well. I just want to do the right thing and hopefully the best will come out of it for my SD.
Then copy it and hand it to the GAL. In SD's own words and handwriting? Priceless.
As for your own journal keep that too. Then when you want to share things with GAL call and talk to her about your concerns from your journal. Keep track of dates and anything from teachers, care givers etc. Ask if GAL will talk to them to confirm your statements. Stick to facts! I wrote every letter we sent to GAL, but don't recommend putting your feelings in letters if you're not very good at editing anything that sounds like personal bias on your part. It's very difficult to do. I'm really good at it b/c I am a writer. But my letters took me HOURS to edit til everything that sounded like a vent was gone. Then....DH reviewed and signed it too
When we write letters to BM we try to keep them simple and explain how we feel. Example. BM signed SD up for sports w/o speaking to dad. So know if SD can't make it dad looks like the bad person. A letter was written asking that she speak to him prior to signing SD up. We also added into the letter the facts that every time she signs SD up for activities and we aren't included SD becomes very upset because we can't always make it. BM has no other children and is single (there are reasons for that) we have other children in our family besides SD. We try to explain to BM that there are other children in the house and we have to be flexible for all children and at that point she threatens him with court. I think I just rambled sorry.
Guardian Ad Litem attorney assigned to represent the minor child. Both parents split the cost equally no matter who talks more with the GAL. And that attorney holds a ton of power in your case. The judge will usually follow the GAL's recommendations. So if the GAL believes you are doing what's best for your child they will back you up. If they feel that both parents are capable then they will try to keep things equal- maybe recommend mediation. But if they feel that one person is trying to manipulate the child into getting what they (the parent) wants, then they will intervene on behalf of the child. My SD's BM actually told SD repeated that SD couldn't trust the GAL and not to tell her anything bad about BM. Then just a few weeks before our (finally scheduled) trial date, BM actually guessed what SD told the GAL (a few of the many inappropriate things she did to SD like calling SD "retarded" often) and that lucky guess convinced SD that the GAL was telling her mom what SD said (of course the GAL was not.) BM also told SD the same about SD's psychologist. SD confirmed it with the psychologist who then spoke to the GAL. That was the final nail in BM's proverbial coffin regarding the case.
The courts ordered our GAL and ordered that the BM paid for all fees he required. The judge that ordered it also felt that our case was unnecessary but wanted to do it just to have the evaluation completed. The GAL told us that he has not spoke with BM and next week his report is due. GAL has been very helpful through our process. We have met with GAL twice and BM none. How bad will that look in court. I just can't wait until this is done with.
It will look very bad on BM if she has not found time to meet with GAL. Our GAL came over on a Sat which surprised me, but worked out well. I think you can only hope that BM will not make the time b/c it will strengthen your case. I'm always surprised to hear that a judge demands one party pay the full GAL fee. We were the ones who requested it and BM still had to pay half. I had a friend who had to pay the whole fee (and the GAL never met with her ex b/c he was out of state.) Her case didn't go well and it was crazy. Her ex left her for someone else, then constantly moved in and out with multiple women. He rarely took his visitation which was a relief to my friend b/c he was unstable and with new women every other week. Then he got remarried and moved out of state. All of a sudden he wanted his visitation. So the court ordered my friend to pay her 9 year old's flight, and for an escort for her daughter on the plane. All the while her ExH wouldn't pay his portion of the medical bills and dropped her daughter from his insurance coverage, AND was years behind on CS. I was shocked by this ruling, and that the court thought it was a good idea to have 9 year old fly once every month, and for all of her Christmas Vacation/Spring break, AND half her summer to this idiot father. I do think sometimes the courts are more concerned with protecting parent's rights to see their kids than the best interest of the child. Our GAL was the best.
Peace, love, and red wine
Our CASA does not seem to think it is a big deal that BB is teaching my 3 year old SS to say "I hate (my name here)"
She also does not see it as an issue that BB has held SD out of school 11 days in the first 2 months of school.
She also does not seem to care that BB refuses mediation and will not compromise with DH (even though they share custody).
I am truly worried.
We have done the journal thing, in fact we keep a running log that we call the "incident report". I put together a 3" notebook full of information for the CASA and although I realize there is a ton of information to review, she still does not seem to know things that she should know by now.
She recently told DH that she "hopes" BB is going to change now that she re-married. She seems to be putting all of the weight under the "hopes" that BB has pulled her head out of her ass.
What she does not seem to understand is that BB may APPEAR to be changing, but the "changes" are short-term. She is a master manipulator and sociopath. I am truly worried that the CASA is falling for her manipulations.
GAL
The GAL should speak to the two of you without SD in the room and visversa. Be forewarned that EVERYTHING you say will be in the report, but not everything your SD says, to protect her privacy. Everything BM said about you will be there too- this can be a great opportunity for anger, but we chose to see it as humorous.
I didn't say anything I didn't want in the report, but I was afraid for SD when the report came out b/c her mom would know how much SD told us about BM. Luckily, just about every report came out while SD was at our house.
Peace, love, and red wine
What if SD lies to protect BM
What happens if SD lies about everything to protect BM! Will the GAL be able to tell? SD told us that BM told her to pack her stuff and go live with her new mom(SM) and dad. We also told him that when calling to talk to SD when asking questions BM answers them for her which is obvious that BM listens to our phone calls. Also SD told us that BM throws stuff when she talks to SM over the phone. Are these concerns or should we keep them to our selves?
In our experience....
GAL will not ask SD to verify or deny anything either side says. Probably b/c if it's not true it could plant ideas in the child's head. How old is SD?
Our GAL simply bonded with SD first visit. She asked to talk to her in her room in each house (I think I was in the room then- can't remember now. SD usually wanted me in the room.) Then BM had to drive SD from her house to a fast food place and leave her alone with GAL and leave. I think this was so it was a neutral spot. Often I notice with my BS's that when their at their Dad's they think in the culture of that house, and when they're at my house they think about things like we do. For instance my younger son will write his address for something at school as whatever house he came from that day. So perhaps psychologically our GAL knew a neutral place would allow SD to be more neutral as to what she felt like saying.
My best advice is don't make this the last appointment. We got SD into GAL, and also let her talk on the phone alone with GAL anytime she asked. Then they developed a ton of trust. We also told SD to tell GAL anything she wanted but....every time she complained to me about BM I had her log it in a journal so she would remember to tell GAL next time. Then I would hand it to her to refresh her memory, but tell her if she changed her mind about any of it it was up to her. It was tough...I really wanted her to tell EVERYTHING. But you just can't coach. That was as close as I could get without overstepping.
Our attorney didn't like it. He thought I was getting too involved. BUT...
On our last visit to GAL I gave SD and GAL a copy of SD's complaints. ( also had done this with her psychologist earlier in the week.) Then I left the room to let them discuss it.
About half way through SD came down and asked me to come up. When I got up there SD said, "You forgot one. Tell her about my sheets."
SD had a bedwetting prob. We would just make her wash her sheets but BM would berate her and threaten to make her sleep in the garage, or in the tub. BUT SD was very selfconscious so when she hadn't mentioned this I didn't write it down. So spontaneously this comes up in front of GAL.
I said, "Well honey, I didn't think you'd want to talk about it since you didn't tell me to put it on your list." Sd asked me to tell it. SO I just said about the sheet thing and the sleeping in the garage thing.
SD interupted with "No tell her about how she won't wash my sheets."
I was stunned. SD must have thought she shared this with me. My mother hen instinct reared itself. I said, "What? She makes you sleep on the wet sheets?" And SD said she did. I looked at ad litem and said, "I hadn't yet heard that one." Then I asked if that was all SD needed from me and she said, "Yep." So I left the room. I am a writer and I remember thinking, "I couldn't have scripted that better."
If she had any doubts about my sincerity, the GAL knew I was the "real mom" to SD from that moment on.
Peace, love, and red wine
SD is 8
My SD is 8 and really never says anything bad about either parent unless it's really bad to the point that she gets upset. SD has even said that when ever she is at BM's, BM sleeps the whole time. We have always told our kids to tell the truth about everything even about us. Thanks for the advise. I may have SD start a journal.
Be careful...
With the journal if she's 8. The GAL could see you as coaching big time. My SD was 12 so there's a huge difference. Do you have her to a counselor? That person is vital with younger kids. Ours would just see us every other time too. So she would document our concerns as an unbiased observer. Very important to the court.
Peace, love, and red wine
So if we were to make our
So if we were to make our own journal how would the GAL see that. I have not had SD keep a journal but we keep everything that she writes in school and at church which shows her feelings as well. I just want to do the right thing and hopefully the best will come out of it for my SD.
If she writes it....
Then copy it and hand it to the GAL. In SD's own words and handwriting? Priceless.
As for your own journal keep that too. Then when you want to share things with GAL call and talk to her about your concerns from your journal. Keep track of dates and anything from teachers, care givers etc. Ask if GAL will talk to them to confirm your statements. Stick to facts! I wrote every letter we sent to GAL, but don't recommend putting your feelings in letters if you're not very good at editing anything that sounds like personal bias on your part. It's very difficult to do. I'm really good at it b/c I am a writer. But my letters took me HOURS to edit til everything that sounded like a vent was gone. Then....DH reviewed and signed it too
Peace, love, and red wine
When we write letters to BM
When we write letters to BM we try to keep them simple and explain how we feel. Example. BM signed SD up for sports w/o speaking to dad. So know if SD can't make it dad looks like the bad person. A letter was written asking that she speak to him prior to signing SD up. We also added into the letter the facts that every time she signs SD up for activities and we aren't included SD becomes very upset because we can't always make it. BM has no other children and is single (there are reasons for that) we have other children in our family besides SD. We try to explain to BM that there are other children in the house and we have to be flexible for all children and at that point she threatens him with court. I think I just rambled sorry.
Re: GAL
What is a GAL? Is it like a CASA? How do you get one? Do you have to pay for it? Does it help?
Sorry for so many questions!
Sorry.... GAL is
Guardian Ad Litem attorney assigned to represent the minor child. Both parents split the cost equally no matter who talks more with the GAL. And that attorney holds a ton of power in your case. The judge will usually follow the GAL's recommendations. So if the GAL believes you are doing what's best for your child they will back you up. If they feel that both parents are capable then they will try to keep things equal- maybe recommend mediation. But if they feel that one person is trying to manipulate the child into getting what they (the parent) wants, then they will intervene on behalf of the child. My SD's BM actually told SD repeated that SD couldn't trust the GAL and not to tell her anything bad about BM. Then just a few weeks before our (finally scheduled) trial date, BM actually guessed what SD told the GAL (a few of the many inappropriate things she did to SD like calling SD "retarded" often) and that lucky guess convinced SD that the GAL was telling her mom what SD said (of course the GAL was not.) BM also told SD the same about SD's psychologist. SD confirmed it with the psychologist who then spoke to the GAL. That was the final nail in BM's proverbial coffin regarding the case.
Peace, love, and red wine
The courts ordered our GAL
The courts ordered our GAL and ordered that the BM paid for all fees he required. The judge that ordered it also felt that our case was unnecessary but wanted to do it just to have the evaluation completed. The GAL told us that he has not spoke with BM and next week his report is due. GAL has been very helpful through our process. We have met with GAL twice and BM none. How bad will that look in court. I just can't wait until this is done with.
I'd say that...
It will look very bad on BM if she has not found time to meet with GAL. Our GAL came over on a Sat which surprised me, but worked out well. I think you can only hope that BM will not make the time b/c it will strengthen your case. I'm always surprised to hear that a judge demands one party pay the full GAL fee. We were the ones who requested it and BM still had to pay half. I had a friend who had to pay the whole fee (and the GAL never met with her ex b/c he was out of state.) Her case didn't go well and it was crazy. Her ex left her for someone else, then constantly moved in and out with multiple women. He rarely took his visitation which was a relief to my friend b/c he was unstable and with new women every other week. Then he got remarried and moved out of state. All of a sudden he wanted his visitation. So the court ordered my friend to pay her 9 year old's flight, and for an escort for her daughter on the plane. All the while her ExH wouldn't pay his portion of the medical bills and dropped her daughter from his insurance coverage, AND was years behind on CS. I was shocked by this ruling, and that the court thought it was a good idea to have 9 year old fly once every month, and for all of her Christmas Vacation/Spring break, AND half her summer to this idiot father. I do think sometimes the courts are more concerned with protecting parent's rights to see their kids than the best interest of the child. Our GAL was the best.
Peace, love, and red wine
We have a CASA and I'm worried,
Our CASA does not seem to think it is a big deal that BB is teaching my 3 year old SS to say "I hate (my name here)"
She also does not see it as an issue that BB has held SD out of school 11 days in the first 2 months of school.
She also does not seem to care that BB refuses mediation and will not compromise with DH (even though they share custody).
I am truly worried.
We have done the journal thing, in fact we keep a running log that we call the "incident report". I put together a 3" notebook full of information for the CASA and although I realize there is a ton of information to review, she still does not seem to know things that she should know by now.
She recently told DH that she "hopes" BB is going to change now that she re-married. She seems to be putting all of the weight under the "hopes" that BB has pulled her head out of her ass.
What she does not seem to understand is that BB may APPEAR to be changing, but the "changes" are short-term. She is a master manipulator and sociopath. I am truly worried that the CASA is falling for her manipulations.