Are we crazy?
I am in desperate need of advice. I am brand new to this site so forgive me if I am not familiar with the acronyms.
My DH and I have been married for almost 9 years. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage. For the past 7 years their mom has had all control in determining how often we see the kids. When we were first married the youngest was 17 months old so my DH agreed to alternate weekends and holidays. The court document states joint legal custody (equal sharing of time) but whenever DH tried to get more time other than alternate weekends she denied it. When she remarried several years ago she immediately started having the kids call their step dad "dad". The kids were very confused, she also told them they shared her new last name. All of this along with the denial of time forced DH to get a mediator and try and work it out outside the court room. She was told by the mediator to stop. We assumed it had, until a couple of years ago the kids slipped and referred to their step dad as "dad". He again asked her to stop. (BTW I have never asked them to call me mom even though at one time they had asked if they could, I explained I loved them like a mom but they had one mom). This past May he had had enough. She again refused extra time during the summer so he retained a new lawyer. My DH, his lawyer, ex, and her lawyer all got in a room for 6 hours to hash it all out. In addition to extra time he also asked 1) each parent support the unique parent-child relationship (one mother/one father) 2)The children not be involved in any disagreement or conflict (she continues to let them know whenever we are in a battle) 3)she is to notify DH before signing them up for extra curricular activities (currently does not do) and finally 4) extended summer schedule. As I stated, this was all hashed out 2 months ago, but for the last 2 months she has changed it several times, refusing to sign it. Finally she signed it but denied #1, #2, and #3. Now we are going to court over the remaining three paragraphs.
I am trying to keep this as short as possible so forgive me if this doesn't make sense. Basically I needed to vent about this but I also would like to know... are we completing insane for going to court over those 3 paragraphs? Is it wrong my DH only wants to be called dad? Is that selfish? As for #2 and #3, aren't those just a given? Don't get your kids involved in your disagreements and just try to co-parent. Period. There are so many other examples of her trying to alienate my DH but I don't want to bore everyone. I just need to see if we are wasting our time and resources. TIA!
My DD's dad was very, very
My DD's dad was very, very hurt when BM had his kids call her boyfriend "papa." Close to tears hurt. He was the best friend. She left SO for his best friend. Literally moved the kids and herself from the marital home to boyfriend's home and told the kids to call him papa. They were 9 and 10 at the time. Father's Day was just last month. Stepkids didn't go see their dad. They spent it with their papa! BM tries to completely erase him out of their lives except as a check book. When she went on her honeymoon, she left a e list of emergency contacts and he was number 19 on the list and he's their dad! It's crazy. I get it.
I'm sure if DD's dad had the money for a lawyer, he'd fight tooth and nail the same as your husband.
IMHO the dad and mom titles
IMHO the dad and mom titles are not a hill to die on. The Skids have asked to call you mom and they call their StepDad dad. Their choice. You certainly can control what they call you but it is highly unlikely that you or DH can control what they call their StepFather. BM controls what occurs in her home no less than you and DH control what occurs in yours. Your opinion does not count on BM's time.
However, you can deal with the toxic crap that BM is PASing the kids with. IMHO the only way to do that is to destroy her crap and rather than avoid informing the kids of the drama you give them the complete and total facts of their blended family situation in an age appropriate manner. As they get older the should have access to the complete records and documentation of their Custody/Visitation/Support case, BMs behavioral history, arrest records, infidelities, etc, etc, etc....
The kids will need this information to learn how to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.
Good luck.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
If this is important to you
If this is important to you by all means fight it in court!
I understand the frustration,
I understand the frustration, but honestly I wouldn't bother. While the clauses (1 & 2) are in most decrees they're not really enforceable. Even if he could prove anything - which is highly unlikely - a slap on the wrist and don't do it again is all BM is likely to get.
As for the extra curricular activities, unless dad has to take they by court order, I wouldn't bother. Just don't take the kids on his time.
Court is expensive and you have very little to gain even if you win. If Dad got the time he wanted, call it win & leave it be.
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One of the most heartbreaking
One of the most heartbreaking things about attempting to co-parent with someone like your BM is spending a boatload of money on a CO just to have the BM fail to follow it. Even if you take her to court for violations, usually they get a slap on the wrist and a "talking to."
I know our BM got plenty of "talkings to" by judges until my DH finally got contempt charges (this was after 2 YEARS worth of missed visits for one skid). What did my DH get? A measly $500. To me, that means the judge thought 2 years of his eldest child's life was worth only $500 to my DH. BM followed the CO to a T for 3-4 months and then started missing the visitations again. By that time, my DH just decided it wasn't worth it since every time we went to court, BM would ramp up her alienation tactics.
That is what I am afraid
That is what I am afraid of... she'll just get a "talking to" as you said and then back to her old ways. I feel like at this point we have to at least try. She has had so much control for so long, my DH is at the end of his rope.
We just found out we go to
We just found out we go to court on July 27. Her atty is very strange, he has not charged her a dime for any of this which I find infuriating (she could drag this out all she wants). And our atty thinks he's insane for letting it to go to court, but so be it. Apparently he does not care. He's probably sick of dealing with her, too. From what he has said, he seems to know the judge fairly well and has a good rapport with him. I should mention that she only agreed to a summer schedule for this year. After August she stated it WILL go back to every other weekends, like it or not. So at this point I feel like our only hope is court. Thanks for the reply
I should clarify "From what
I should clarify "From what he has said, he seems to know the judge fairly well" --- I am referring to DH atty not hers.
I agree..if this is important
I agree..if this is important to you then fight her. That's unacceptable on her part and she should know better but clearly has something against her ex and is trying to use the kids to hurt him. This will only hurt the kids as you know. Perhaps she has legal aid? Either way, if the court docs state your hubby should get more time then she is in contempt and could be made to go to jail. She clearly doesn't think it will go that far and clearly hasn't been told by her attorney that her actions are unacceptable. The attorney should also be held in contempt. Good luck.