Young stepdaughter HATES sleeping at our home!
HELP! I am the stepmom of a 2nd grader, and both her families (me/dad & mom/stepdad) live in the same small town. She travels between the two homes on a regular basis. She often comes to our house after school and stays for a few hours. She is supposed to spend 10 nights each month at our home, but it rarely ends up working out. Although she seems to enjoy most of her time at our house, when bedtime approaches she turns into a sobbing wreck. Here's the catch: at her mom's house she sleeps in her parent's bed, but at our house we make her sleep in her own room. Stepdaughter's mom refuses to make SD sleep on her own, and we're equally insistent that she's old enough to stay in her own room. Every bedtime at our house becomes an emotional wreck for everyone involved! Any advice out there?
If she were two, I'd say
If she were two, I'd say tuck her in with you and then carry her into her own bed when she falls asleep. But she's got to be what, seven or eight, right? That's a little too old to be sleeping with her parents. I think she needs to be urged into her own bed at both homes, but unless/until you can get BM/SF on board with making this happen, you are probably going to be stuck in this situation. Have you tried one of you sitting near her bed until she falls asleep? Is there any security device you could use to make her feel more comfortable, like a special blanket or pillow, photo of her mom on the nightstand, anything that might calm her? What about a reward program, where she can earn a special treat (nothing big, even small rewards work for kids this young) each night she sleeps in her own bed? That one is going to be tough to resolve, especially since you don't have agreement between households. I wish you luck with this! Let us know what kind of progress you make.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Thanks for the advice...
We've tried a number of different approaches, but none seem to work. I've read a few parenting books on the sleep subject, and they seem to consitently say that the child needs to fall asleep on their own. If a parent is in the room when they fall asleep, they develop a "sleep association" with that parent. So, for example, even when we read her to sleep, she eventually wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to our room. She can't get back to sleep without a parent in the room with her. We've gone through this sometimes 6 or 8 times during the night - each time taking her back to her bed in a crying, emotional state. The saftely blanket or stuffed animal doesn't work because mom and dad are much bigger, better safety nets than a blanket. We've also tried offering rewards both big and small - but she refuses. She's so incredibly emotional about being alone that even a trip to Build-a-Bear (her alltime favorite activity) doesn't sway her. I guess the more I think about it, the more I think there isn't any answer here. Without consistency between households, this is going to continue to be a struggle. I'm tempted to simply give in and let her sleep in our room. Our bed isn't big enough for 3 people, but I wonder if letting her sleep in the floor would be ok with her.
Yikes....that is a tough one...
The best means of support for the child is consistency. I guess over time the child will learn the rules at both homes but in the meantime, you are probably in for a rough rude at bedtime! The PIC Principle may come into play here...Perstistence, Insistence, Constistence!
Consistency...aye, there's the rub.
Consistency...is there such a thing between two different households? It seems hard enough to have a united front between a married, biological mom & dad, much less between two households with completely different perspectives on life and parenting. I wish it was a case of bad communication between the houses because that could possibly be fixed. But, both families have deeply different views of the world - including the Big R, religion. I think we could all talk from here to eternity and never find consensus on the sleep issue. So, maybe this is just a matter of damage control. Maybe we have to forget about what we think is best for her (in terms of sleeping in her own room) and simply try to minimize the damage being done by having two different sleeping arrangements. In other words, we let her sleep in our room to keep from traumatizing the poor kid every night she's supposed to stay with us.
tough spot
You are in a tough spot. Although I agree with your thinking that second grade is old enough to sleep alone, I also think you are an angel to be thinking about bending a bit. Your SD is lucky to have you. My SD has had problems with clingy behavior that we've worked on over time, although she hasn't had this exact problem, I think because her brother sleeps in a bunk bed above her and we let our sweet dog sleep on her bed with her. Since you can't manufacture an older brother, any chance of getting a kitty or dog that could keep her company in her own bed?
It's hard to enforce certain
It's hard to enforce certain rules when both households don't agree but it is not impossible.
I had a similar situation with a couple of my kids at one point or another in their lives. I was able to "cure" it by giving them "my favorite" stuffed animal or necklace or some other token to let them know that I was always with them in one way or another.
We are also christians so it helped a lot to explain that the child was never alone that God Jesus and the Angels were all there all night holding and watching over them.
Basically a security item to make them feel better and then a lot of praise and a treat or two in the morning when they do get through the night alone. The first few nights are hard and will wear you down with the crying and begging. Stay strong and firm it is well worth it for you and them. Good luck!
Lisa Dawn
Thanks to everyone for the advice.
I talked with hubby and said I'd be willing to let her sleep in our room, just not in our actual bed. He said he would think about it, but that he really agrees that as an 8 year old she should be sleeping on her own. We'll probably talk some more about it before she visits for a sleepover-night in a few days.
I really think it's best for her to sleep on her own. She needs to gain some self-confidence and learn that she's capable of taking care of herself both physically (sleeping alone) and emotionally (coping with the scary dark or lonliness). I wish her mother and stepdad could see that.
This sleeping issue is the one issue that I said up front I would never compromise on. After two years of struggling, I've finally given up and given in. *Sigh*
My kids up until he got a GF
about or almost a year ago still slept with dad.. And my son who is turning 8 tomorrow had a very hard time with that. He is ok now. But he always slept in his own bed from the time I brought him home from the hospital. I made the mistake of sleeping with my daughter. NEVER again. I created a monster. And tried to kick myself in my own ass for that one.
Its a little weird I think for her to sleep with her mom and SD, to me that is a little strange but its not my home. "
I would say everyone try to get on same page.. One page and try maintain some sort of normalsy for her.
I know we cannot control each others homes but some consistencies would help..
Good luck..
It gets easier!
BM in our situation shares a room with SS... she has a small one bedroom apartment. This is all he has known since birth as this is where DH lived with BM and SS. It was extremely difficult to get him to sleep in his own room.... many nights of HOURS of tucking him in and reading to him and so on and so on... the older he gets the more he appreciates having his own space... he is still young- 3 years old- but it took 2 years of beng consistent in putting him to bed in his OWN room to get here. We also have him 3 nights a week so that probably helped speed up the process. have you considered trying to increase the time she spends overnight at your house to build a stronger level of comfort?
Thanks for the message of hope, Daddysgirl.
I would love for SD to spend more nights at our house, but I don't think that will be possible any time soon. Right now, her nights at our house are such a struggle that her dad says he doesn't have the strength or energy to increase the number of nights she stays over. I agree that more nights at our house would mean more consistency and, therefore, might help us work through this issue. Still, I don't think that's going to happen. I guess this is one of the reasons why stepparenting is so frustrating - NO ONE LISTENS TO MY SUGGESTIONS!
Keep up the fight!
It is worth it in the end. Your desire to make your SD a more stable young lady will pay off in the end. Keep up the fight and eventually, after all other options are exhausted- they will try it your way and guess what?!?! It will work and they will have to give your suggestions a chance in the future... in the mean time- PATIENCE IS A VERTUE! Keep on keepin on!
Maybe not...
I just remembered this blog and had forgotten that it's yours. Oh dear again.
We had this problem when SD used to stay over in the early days as BM was letting her sleep in her bed. There were tears and more tears. I asked DH to go into her room and stay with her if she got really upset. It meant him leaving our bed - but what it did do is give him the impetus to actually work with BM to fix the solution. In my case, unless DH is forced to deal with the problem, SM is the one finding the solutions.
I think it's great that you're trying lots of things. I guess everything boils down to what you can live with. I could not live with SD in my bed - no matter how many tears. But I couldn't live with hearing her crying in the other room. I felt that DH needed to comfort her. By having to get out of bed and go into another room DH told me that he knew that something had to be done. An appointment was made with a counsellor to discuss the slepping issues. The message was that the longer the child remained in a parent's bed the more fearful of independent sleeping she would become.
It sounds like the issue is really BM's as she condones it at her place. Is there nooooo way for DH and BM and SD to go to a sleep management centre or counsellor about this issue?
Hang in there!
Isn't it IRONIC?!
SS begged to sleep in our room last night...that has not happened in a VERY long time. Still an obtacle we deal with from time to time. But he also STILL shares a room with BM- so I suppose until she changes her ways- we have the "pleasure" of breaking his little heart from time to time and tell him NO. Guess what though... he fell asleep eventually, in his own bed.