young 22 step parent
HI. I'm Charles. I'm a 22 year old man living with my girlfriend and her parents. My girlfriend has a kid from her last relationship. (He's around 2 and a half). We've been together for a little over a year and a half and I wouldnt trade her or her kid for the world.
This is really me just reaching out for some advice on whats to come. There's nothing wrong with her and her ex. We are all very mutual. They weren't married or anything like that. I'm just thinking about the little things around raising the kid. I know this is a hard age to raise a kid at but it doesn't seem like im getting anywhere with it. We get him 5 days out of the week. His biodad gets him around 2 to 3 days out of the week alternating weekends.
As much as I help and help and help he doesn't see me as a figure of authority ahead of his mom and biodad. He knows my name and everything but I get he doesnt really know what anything is really. Like empathy and compassion, definitely not respect yet haha. Me and his mom work for most of the day. I see him more than his mom for most of the time because my girlfriends mom takes care of him when we are gone at work or anywhere else. Sometimes I feel bad if I don't help out enough but they say that I do a lot to help out. I see them struggling with my girlfriends kid and I think that i should help out. We all just give him what he wants or else he'll scream until he's out of breathe and then we get concerned on the seriousness.
I just need some advice on a young step parent in my situation or really just any sort've opinion that would help in my process of opinion. Please give me some opinions.
You can disengage and don’t
You can disengage and don’t react to the child when he’s acting out. Go to your tv and start watching a show and let him soothe himself. Kids need to learn now to do that by himself. Survival instinct will kick in and he will stop when he can’t breathe anymore. He’s not your kid so you don’t have to do anything for him except play with him when he’s in a good mood. As soon as he acts up remove yourself. Treat him like a family pet that’s not yours.
You have no responsibility at
You have no responsibility at all for taking care of this child. It sounds like the dad has visits on a regular basis, so you don't need to play the role of father figure. Consider finding a way out of this situation.
Seriously, you're too young
Seriously, you're too young for all that. She lives with her parents, so if you leave you won't be displacing her, just you. Go enjoy your 20's without all that baggage.
Good Lord, you are 22 years
Good Lord, you are 22 years old. Get your own place and go out and have fun, instead of playing house under her parents' roof.
So first I'd remove your name
So first I'd remove your name... We try to do the anonymous thing for psychotic people reasons.
I'm not gonna judge on your age.
But you need to think this through. Why isn't he seeing you as an authority figure? Is your wife not supporting that? Someone undermining you? Never follow through with your punishments? Also living with the in-laws is the worst thing, get out of that now. Trust me. DH and I have fared WAY better off since we've been on our own then we have during the entire marriage simply because we don't have his parents over our shoulders at every turn. (Long story short, BM MURDERED us financially by taking stuff out in his name while he was deployed that she then got repossessed and stopped paying on after the divorce... So they took it from him, without him even knowing it was a thing.)
Both parents sound invovled, he does need to learn to respect you, which he's in his terrible twos, that'll take time. But you aren't his parent either.
Keep getting along with her ex though. That's a blessing. I WISH BM was sane enough for that. But she's not. in 3 vistation weekends, I have 6 pages of text messages, 7 pages of typed documentation and several pages of pictures... Because she throws s*** EVERY time.
Honestly, I kind of think if
Honestly, I kind of think if people aren't able to support themselves financially... then they aren't ready to live together. I don't agree with living with someone else's parents unless it's in the most extreme situation.. ie if the child was yours and hers together... I think you should be with your own parents.. if not out on your own or in a roomate situation. This is a pretty big/mature situation for you to be in when you didn't create it. Kids can be fulfilling and fun, but there is a time and a place and when you can't support them... probably shouldn't have them. Unfortunately, kid is here and SHE has to deal with that, but this is not your circus... not your monkey. I just don't think you should be living there.. be the boyfriend if you want.. but don't live with her under her parent's roof. Now, if you two can afford a place on your own.. that is another option but it sounds like there will be challenges because this kid is not being parented very effectively. Take it from others who have been through this... it doesn't always "get better".
You should be focusing on your school/career to give yourself a good solid foundation at this time in your life. This relationship doesn't seem like it is going to help that goal.
^ Only reason we lived with
^ Only reason we lived with the in-laws was because as we were looking for a house she defaulted on everything and they took our whole down-payment from his acocunt, PLUS all the tax returns, PLUS gave us a huge monthly payment... And it was AWFUL. 2-3 months max turned into a year and a half.
That's a super serious thing to think about. Living with them may be okay for a little, but I would look at getting out ASAP for everyone's sanity. It builds up, you can't really function as a couple because the parents are ALWAYS there. You need your own place at the very least.
My child is 2.5 and he has
My child is 2.5 and he has loads of empathy. All two year olds throw fits, but if you all keep giving him whatever he wants, you will have a 7 year old throwing fits.
Your young GF needs parenting classes ASAP. If you refuse to take the sage advice of "RUN" you need to take the class, too. Once that's done, focus on earning an education so you can support them for the rest of your natural life because I bet your GF doesn't plan on it.
So let him scream. Self
So let him scream. Self-preservation will kick in, and he'll stop before he does any real damage. He may tire himself into a nap or early bedtime, but that is about it. If You all are THAT concerned about his health around this, consult a pediatrician and some parenting classes.
This won't get better so long as he rules the roost. He has mom and gma wrapped around his finger, and they are his primary care givers. So long as they give in, he'll continue to behave this way.
He won't die if he doesn't get his way. His body won't become so deprived of oxygen that it causes long-term damage. He'll learn really quickly that screaming won't get him what he wants and all it will do is cause him discomfort.
If you guys are going to be
If you guys are going to be parents together, you need to get out of the house. He more than likely needs to be in a daycare situation vs. grandma. I get that grandma is free but grandma isn't doing right by him. She is playing grandma! Which she is totally entitled to do.
Once in your own place/apartment you can create the boundaries that are important to you.
Dude- work hard, save your
Dude- work hard, save your money and travel the world.
There's a great big wife open world out there and you're shrinking yours into a tiny spot with this.
I worked 3 jobs in my 20's to save money to backpack through asia for 2 years- it was the best decision I ever made.
Dont do this to yourself