Why would SS Lie about BM to DH and I?
For the last year or so SS12 has been coming over and telling some outlandish lies about BM. Last Christmas he told us she took all his gifts away that he got from his grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins and brought them back to the store and kept the money for herself. He says she calls him names and sends him to bed without dinner. This is total BULLSHIT as SS is a TOTAL spoiled brat and BM treats him like a 3 yr old. Everytime he gets into trouble at school BM comes running to his rescue and makes excuess for his shity behavior and bails him out. BM is this total controling you know what and has made DH life hell. SS knows DH and BM DO NOT like each other. SS ALWAYS talks negitive about BM and wants DH to think he does not like her and that he wants to live with us full time.
Around the same time SS started lying about BM/talking negitive was about the same time he started talking to BM on the phone in private out of ear shot from DH and I(see my other post). Now that I think about it I believe hes sneaking around on the phone with BM because he does not want us to hear how he REALLY is with her.
So my question is why? Yes both DH and I HATE BM and SS knows this BUT we don't reward SS with "gifts" for making up stuff about BM or pretending to hate her. SS gets nothing out of this by saying these things. SS does has a habit of overall lying just in gereral but thats just when he has stolen something or done something he should not have to avoid getting caught. A real gem he is.
He has learned to play two
He has learned to play two ends against the middle. My SDs used to do it all the time. When the parents don't effectively communicate, kids tend to exploit that. I'd be very careful what you say in front of him, as I guarantee he is reporting back to BM amd making up lies about your house.
My SS did this. He lied to us
My SS did this. He lied to us about BM and to BM about DH. I don't think it was conscious, I think it was a reaction to parental alienation and a way of dealing with two parents who hated each other, and to make himself feel better for being "in the enemy camp". Your DH might unknowingly give him some sort of reaction when he says this stuff about BM. I know I tried not to, but probably there were non-verbals, and sometimes my DH took the bait. This went on until he was totally alienated at 15. Looking back, I now realize that we believed way more than we should, and BM believed it all, of course.
I want to reiterate, this was all very unconscious and part of parental alienation.
We never ever found a way to deal with it. From what I've read, your DH should shut it down and certainly be careful about believing it, or his non-verbals when he tells him that.
I wish I had a better answer. By the time my SS was alienated, he was lying about everything. He's back now, at 19, and he still lies about everything.
ETA: Sometimes he was consciously playing them against each other, but I think it went deeper than that for my SS. I truly believe it was a psychological defense of some kind to deal with the alienation.
My OSS only does this to my
My OSS only does this to my DH. He tells my family and I all sorts of made up stories and lies about my DH however, he is still sucking on BM's small nasty bosom. I truly think it is also a result of parent alienation.
It’s a good “theory” SS lies to BM about us too
But unlikely. Why do I think this? Because we would hear about it from BM Immediately. The VERY few times DH has found his balls to Discipline or say no to SS resulted in SS having Major Temper Tantrum meltdowns and going back to BM in tears and telling some Outrageous lie. For example a few months ago SS wanted some expensive phone and DH said no. DH told SS he was going to go wait in the car for him and left without getting the phone. SS flipped out. Later DH got a nasty email from BM saying he dropped SS off “in tears” because DH yelled at SS(not true) in the store and made SS walk a mile home (not true). Of course DH told BM this is NOT what happened but she would not believe him. Later we asked SS why he told BM DH yelled at him and made him walk home and SS said He never said that. Which is a lie as BM would never think to just make that up.
So as you see if SS was telling daily lies about us we most Certainly be hearing about it from BM
It may not be daily big stuff
It may not be daily big stuff that she feels she needs to scream at DH about - but I guarantee you that he's feeding into negative talk about you and DH at her house. I promise that's why he wants to talk to her alone, he's complaining about DH.
My SS was exactly like this - and he was always complaining to BM about how strict DH was, how he was having an awful time at our house (didn't seem like it), etc. It was how he joined with BM. Then he would tell DH bad stuff about BM, as well.
Even though he would lie to us about BM, he was still very aligned with BM, and in the end, he stopped talking to DH for over three years.
+1 he's telling tales to her,
+1 he's telling tales to her, too. Hate to mention it, but BM might be too sensible to believe every word her little darling utters. Or maybe she's also keeping notes!
Beware
In our case, BM only went
In our case, BM only went ballistic when he told her "big" stuff that DH was doing to him.
Once he was leaving our house to go with her, it was winter, and he was wearing shorts, as adolescents do when it's sub-zero. DH asked him to put pants on but he ran out the door to BM's car. BM commented on the shorts and he told her that DH "forced" him to wear shorts. DH got a snarky email about that one. That was the day to day stuff.
Another time after DH yelled at him for lying, he texted BM and told her DH was shaking his fist in his face and screaming at him, and that she needed to get him out of our house. She came storming over and that turned into a big mess involving the police that led to us not seeing him again for over a month.
Good times.
Oh sweet lord. You just
Oh sweet lord. You just reminded me of a time that my SD insisted on wearing certain shoes to school because they matched her outfit. I tried to talk her out of it because I knew they would be uncomfortable, but she swore they were fine and I figured it was a self-correcting mistake so I dropped it. Cue a barrage of emails from BM about how I “forced” SD to wear the shoes and she came home with blisters.
The kid was 9 and this was the first time that I realized that she was lying about me to BM. I didn’t want to believe it because I had been so close to both SDs since they were toddlers and our relationship was very loving. But in the years since then I’ve discovered lies on top of lies. The kids’ therapist has said that BM doesn’t openly reward the kids when they lie about me (which I think is too generous because I happen to know that she does on occasion) but she makes it clear that she likes it, which is more than enough motivation for two young girls who feel responsible for their mom’s emotions.
SS17 used to do this
I think it may have been that he wanted to vent about problems he had with his BM and thought SO was the best one to empathize with him. He still does it on the rare occasions he talks to his dad. I'm sure SS friends have no desire to hear him complain at length about his mother.
When kids see that both
When kids see that both parents do not communicate and are not on the same page they will manipulate and use that to their advantage. Please believe he also speaks negatively about you and H to his mother. Does BM know the outrageous things that their son say about her? Whenever you confront SS about something that his mother said make sure to do so with her there or on speaker. That way she's there to hear the BS herself.
SS has to see that BM and H are coparenting and on the same page and if that's not possible call him out on his shit to the other parent every single time so that BM knows their son is a liar and have that addressed.
My SD has done this, she
My SD has done this, she would vent for hours to me on how horrible her mother was and then at her BM's she would vent on how boring and horrible our home was. BM would try to call out DH on how bad of a time their daughter was having in our home and he would quickly set her straight that we have heard our fair share of stories from SD that she should just calm down.
I am certain this goes both ways in most cases, so I was always careful what I said as to not give any energy to the stories.