Why Does Everything Have to Be So DIFFICULT?????
After finding this site and reading everyone's feelings and experiences and being able to relate to the difficulties of blending families I still have to wonder....Why does everything have to be so DIFFICULT???
Why are there so many walls???
Why does our role as step-parents have to be an ever changing "rule book"?... Problem is, no one ever informs us of these changes until after we "screw up"!!!
It's like "Oh, I love you honey, come closer....SO I CAN SLAP YOU"!!!!!!!!!
Why are we not supposed to show love and affection to our SK's?? Why do the Birth Parents have to approve of this??
On one hand, As women, we're expected to "automatically" love our SK's but on the other hand, we're supposed to act as if we're "HIRED HELP" when it concerns our SK's. Somebody needs to PICK ONE so that we can ALL stop "walking on eggshells" when it comes to our blended families.
I made the choice to be in this blended family because I love my husband and his kids very much and that love will never change. There's a lot of days I don't "like" them very much, but that doesn't lessen my love for them....because we are a FAMILY whether their BM likes it or not!!!! Who hasn't ever wanted to run away screaming from their own birth children???
There are just some days that I am stronger than others.
SteppiMarie,
This post is quite a difficult one to reply to, because it in a nut shell addresses all the major questions of the world. I think that a high school class should be offered for understanding blended families 101. You could be a good teacher. The walls in my opion are built by all of us. I know that I have issues with BM and guess what they are not all her fault. I too have been guilty. Now, I'm not saying that she's perfect - because she's not as a matter of fact nowhere near!! But until we remove the bricks that belong to us, the wall becomes stronger. Who said that we are not allowed to love our stepkids? no one did. I personally loved my SD very very much in the beginning, until BM learned to be a master mason and started building her brick wall.
I really truely think that my mother was more of a hired hand than me, I mean that she would cook, clean, wait hand and foot on my father and us, pay bills, run errands, be our personal cheerleader, ect not that we don't do these things, but she never complained at all, even to this day. That blows me away! That was my life and that is what was instilled in me, therefore that was my normal. MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO !!
I did make a choice to become a stepmother out of my free will, that is true, but how much free will do you have at the age 20. My brain wasn't even fully functioning then, therefore not ever living in a blended family - it never even occurred to me that it was going to be difficult - just my normal.
I too want to run and scream at my 2 bkids, especially when they are acting like thier father !!!! Humor LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
You are thinking way way way to deep! You are a great person!!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Thinking a lot alike
Stepwitch,
You're right about my post. Just venting I guess
After reading some of your posts as well as your replies to mine, lead me to believe we think a lot alike.
Yes, you're right, we all have to take credit for our own contributions to our relationships. Be it blended or otherwise.
My motto from the very beginning of my relationship with DH and SK's (they were all 3 very young at the time) has always been, "to make everything as normal as possible" in hopes that it would be a better living situation for all our children. Especially since divorce and blended families are the norm for today's society.
I was the middle child in my family, so I've always been the negotiator and peacekeeper. My parents ended a 20 years marriage when I was 16 but none of us were involved in a step-family.
I was however, raised a lot like you. Watching my Mom "be Mom" and cook and clean and organize the family and on top of that, be the primary breadwinner (My Dad is bipolar and didn't work much or often). I'm thankful for the way I was raised. It's made me an all around "good person"...IMHO.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing things for EVERYONE in my family. Sometimes, when they start acting like I'm only here to serve them, my DH reminds them that I do it out of love, not because it's exclusively "MY JOB" (He's very protective of me).
In fact, sometimes he feels a little left out because the kids always come to me to ask for things, or permission, or to just talk. I've tried to explain to him, and I think he gets it, that SK's are used to asking their BM for or about everything, because BM "wears the pants in the family" at their house....BM wouldn't have it any other way LOL!!!!
I got it too!!
That Middle child syndrome - I think the med books need to include that, whatch think!! Hang in there, Here for Ya!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Thanks
I'm hangin'....some days by my fingernails
MCS too
always the peacemaker b/w older sister and younger brother, they used to talk to each other thru me!!
as I got older my mom would talk thru me to my brother...eek
It gets real tiring settling everyone elses problem..
oh man I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, and I am not a bad ex, I dont bother him or his new young wife.
so we can not blame enviorment- so what causes bad BM??? are they hatched in a labratory?
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
No excuses.........
I've read a lot of articles on PAS, personality disorder, etc. and they always want to make excuses that these people are the way they are because of their parents, upbringing, etc.
Now, I'm not saying that may not be the case but come on....they don't need any excuses to fall back on for their behavior. They are the way they are because they WANT TO BE.
Their 'research' and opinions of causes make it too easy for severely dysfunctional people to blame all their problems on someone or something else....BESIDES THEMSELVES.
So they may have had a less than normal upbringing....SO WHAT??!!. None of us had or have "perfect" lives but that doesn't give us the freedom to behave badly....does it??
If that's the case....LOOK OUT....I've got a lot of time to make up!!
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
The reason why being a
The reason why being a stepmom is so hard is simply this:
Life. life is hard. you chose to be with your husband. you knew he had kids. you already disliked their mother even though you may not admitt it. your resentment for her shifted itself to the kids. you blame your husband as if he lied to you about his past life. you knew what you were getting into. own it. you are now a stepmom. you are the buffer between mom and dad. recognize the situation as it is, not how you wish it would be. yes it's harder than just being married. but you accepted that challenge the second you said " i do ". I'm not meaning this in any disrespect. and like i said, i know it's hard. but remember, life is short. all about choices. you pick your battles. figure out a game plan and run with it.