Why does birthing a child make love greater than not (i.e skids) ??
So last night I was giving our 9 month old a bath and was watching my husband play with him and I could see just how much he loves him. And it made me wonder...
I and many others have said that it is just impossible to love your Skids like you love your Bio children, after all you carried your bio for 9 months and gave birth to this child and have that maternal bond with your bio child that just can't be "forced" as in a skid siutation.
The part that I don't get is, how does my husband love our son so much, when he did not carry him for 9 months, did not give birth to him etc.? Shouldn't we as steps be able to have that love for our Skids? I just don't get it... are women "wired" differently?? Do we subconsciously put skids in a different category because another woman birthed them? I totally get how alot of people here can't/don't love their skids because the skids are hateful, BM marionnettes, disrespectful etc. But why can't those of us who have pretty decent skids love them like we love our bios? :?
I personally think it's could
I personally think it's could be because they belong to another woman-who IS the ex.
Because adoptive parents seem to have no problem loving both their bios and adoptive kids equally.
SO yes-it's not about birthing-it's about WHO birthed them IMO. It's hard for many women to seperate that part.
I do care a lot for my bf's daughter...but it's not the love I have for my bios...it's a new relationship also..there may be a point that I say I really love the child dearly...but I've had years and years to develop my relationship w/my kids.
There is for ME a natural care and sympathy and feelings for the girl because she is my bf's daughter. Just like I care for my neighbor/friends daughter also. People that are close to me, that I love by default I cherish their kids a lot also. That's just my personality though.
Of course you can! It would
Of course you can! It would be like telling an adopted child that you as the mom love your bio kids differently and can't love them the same since you didn't give birth to them or carry them for 9 months??
It's crazy to make a blanket statement like that.
But that's what I'm saying,
But that's what I'm saying, I've seen that given as a reason time and time again as to why a SM can't possibly love their Skids as they would a Bio.
It's different when you
It's different when you adopt. You aren't competing with another woman in a mommy role.
First, the age of the child matters. The younger they are when you enter their lives the easier it is to grow to love them. The more helpless and dependent on you they are at the beginning, the better so far as developing a mother-type bond with them goes.
Secondly, it makes a difference if the mother is still in the picture. If she's gone, the better your chance of developing a maternal feeling for the child. If she's not, it's not likely to happen.
I imagine that if a woman got involved with a widower with small children she'd likely grow to love them as her own. She wouldn't have to compete for the maternal role.
Exactly But if the mother is
Exactly
But if the mother is gone - dead or disappeared, the SM would more likely BE in a mommy role and therefore would be more likely to develop maternal love for the child.
We don't grow to love them like our own because we aren't in a mommy role. One of the reasons we aren't in a mommy role is because mommy is still around. If we were in a true mommy role the chances of 'loving them like our own' would be greater, IMO.
I don't think it's the act of giving birth that does it. I don't think it's carrying the child for 9 months that does it. I don't think those things really matter at all insofar as how much a person loves the child.
It's knowing this little helpless person totally depends on YOU that does it.
I agree PA...my own BM walked
I agree PA...my own BM walked out on my dad...leaving my brothers (14 and 10 yrs old) and me (9 yrs old) with him. Dad remarried about a year later. BM stayed out of the picture...for the most part throughout my teen years. I have a very close relationship with my SM-call her mom and consider her mom.
She was there for all the major highlights in my life. I lived in California when my daughter was born...my parents lived in Texas. They could only afford to fly one of them out here when my baby was born and it was my (step)mom that came. My dad passed away 6 years ago and I still want her in my life..even though he is gone.
That brought tears to my
That brought tears to my eyes.
I'm just so lucky. She's a
I'm just so lucky. She's a great lady who taught me everything I know and use...not only as a mom, but also as a stepmom...
wow Wriggsy that is very
wow Wriggsy
that is very touching. As a product of a step father I feel your sentiments...even though my Step dad isn't as close as it sound like you were with your mom...I still refer to him as my dad.
I think it proves that some blended scenarios can work when you have people on the same page. Being on the same page is the hard part in todays times IMO
Whateva
When you have your own
When you have your own children (bio or adopted), you have total responsibility and authority for them.
Most of our issues here tend to be about having to bite our tongues a lot, because we don't have the authority to treat our skids like our own.
I really think that if my
I really think that if my skids were more receptive of my affection, it could be different. Of course, AM has alienated them completely, so they don't understand that what I offer-from supplying their every need to checking homework to correcting bad behavior is all because I love them and want them to be happy. I really think if we (my blended family and I) could have the give and take of actual, meaningful, honest affection...it could be so much different. If this were the perfect world and all the stars lined up correctly and the affection exchange started, I could learn to love my skids like my own. I don't want any more for my own daughter than I want for my skids.
My skids are both adopted and while I will not say this is how EVERY adoptive parent behaves, I think that fact alone is why DH and AM are the kind of parents they are. I could be wrong about AM..she could be just as crappy a mother if she birthed these kids, but I know that's how it is for DH. Mainly because of how he is with my daughter...his step daughter. I am strict with my daughter, and I think that somehow helps him be more of a parent to her. DH isn't scared that my daughter will dislike him or leave him because of his parenting...she loves him for it and she shows/tells him that she appreciates it. I think because DH knows so very little about his kids BM..it makes him nervous to be a real parent to them...
I think it is simple!
I think it is simple! People love what is theirs more unconditionally than those things or people that are not. Frankly I drive my vehicle more lovingly and cautious than I do a rental car. LOL
In the case of adoption it is still a choice to Buy(Adopt) a child that will belong to you. In most adopted cases not all you don’t know the biological parents and more than likely your significant other /husband was not sleeping with the bio mom that put her child up for adoption. So I tend to agree with what Overit2 and PA said and that is in some cases the fact that the bio mom was intimate at some point with your guy and they created a child does make a huge difference, and to really play on the mind I am sure some of us have thought about how our DH’s/BF’s acted while the ex was pregnant with said child and all those gory details that know one talks about. I would think as much as some of us hate to admit it that it is a normal human reaction.
Your husband is simply loving a child that he created regardless to whether he carried the child in his stomach or not you could not have done it on your own , I am trying to understand the fascination of that. As sacred and holy as some mothers want to act regarding pregnancy, it is a typical act of nature. I mean look at mothers who have carried their kids 9 months then put them up for adoption or in some extreme cases abuse their own kids so I know it can be a beautiful time for some but it isn’t like discovering the cure for cancer or anything .
In terms of Skids, even though some might have ill feelings toward BM therefore skids are treated differently - I think it goes deeper than that. When you combine horrible acting skids who treat the SM indifferent and have picked up some unruly habits from bio parents or better yet have a bio mom who taint the kids so they act out when in your presence well I think that pretty much will sum up why some steps cant and don’t love their skids in the same fashion they would their bio. People can’t love on demand.
Whateva
I completely agree. Caring
I completely agree. Caring more for what is 'ours', yes. I hadn't thought of the BM was intimate with my guy angle but yeah, that probably has a lot to do with it too.
while my SKs are just loaned
while my SKs are just loaned to me and they are impersonal and uncomfortable budget clunkers...
I love that. I might make that my signature if it's ok with you.
@FAbumom Exactly! if you
@FAbumom
Exactly! if you raise your kids right they can be a Lexus but based on some of the steps described the skids sound more like Yugo's LOL
Since we are on the car metaphor !
great analogy Fabumom.. love
great analogy Fabumom.. love it!
I used to love my ss "almost"
I used to love my ss "almost" as much as I loved my bios. Not exactly-but almost. I met him when he was almost two and immediately became very involved in his life and very involved with hands on care and day to day decision making-I think that helped me forge a bond to him and I think at one point he was fairly bonded to me. Of course that's where things turned complicated and ugly and now I honestly have no love for him at all. That's part of what tells me I did not love him as much as my bios. Even if my bios turned ugly and complicated I would still love them.
My dh on the other hand, professes to love my two oldest bios as his own. He met them when they were 2 and 9 months-their bio father is deceased. No complications of competition, PAS, not even any memories to compete against. The only father my children know is my dh and they think of him as such. In fact, most of the time everyone forgets that he is not their real dad. My ds especially who was only 9 months, will get a confused look on his face if you mention something about his biodad.
So I dont think it is impossible to love a skid like your own, but as some one else said the stars ahve to align in a perfect way to achieve this. I hate to even say this out loud-as I feel like it sets a standard that we as, sm's, are supposed to strive for. If it's possible, then we need to make it happen, right? Wrong. It's possible but very unlikely, IMO due to hundreds of different factors that no one person can control.