Who get's the "tie breaker" in your home?
Forums:
On things like animals, yard improvements, vacations, etc.
Things that aren't big enough to bring in financially, but big enough that if it was chosen to have or not to have, would show a point of major control over the spouse.
I have qualms with her flashy vacations, she has a problem with the animals that I keep. (And clean up for 100%, before it comes up, ladies.)
I don’t understand what you
I don’t understand what you mean by tie-breaker. Are you competing with your wife somehow?
My DH & I don’t control each other, nor do we try to one up one another or force our ideas down each other’s throats. We make decisions as a team, and we make a conscious effort not to p*ss each other off.
Your relationship with your wife sounds really unhealthy..
Depends on the issue -
Depends on the issue - vacations, usually DH because his job isn't flexible and he usually has a problem getting off work. Other things, I will ask DH's opinion but I usually make the final decision - as long as its not related to SD, those issues are all on him. We have separate finances so we don't really have issues with things like this.
What is the issue you have with vacation and what is her problem with the animals?
My issue is traveling across
My issue is traveling across several states with the newborn daughter. I'm told I'm controlling for suggesting a beach that's close-by, and that she wants to show her kids "the world". I either can't see the value of showing the world to a newborn, or she can't see the non-value by doing it. -I told her she could go by herself, that's it's always an option.
Her issue with my animals - I wish I record the conversations. I get, "I'm not ready, no, I don't have time to bond with a dog and the baby." I don't even want the dog as a housepet - but as a guard-dog for my livestock. (We've got several acres.) Like I'm a 30 year old war vet being told no. The only reason I just don't do as I please is because as fickle as she is, she'd probably leave.
Well you already have the
Well you already have the animals - what does she want you to do, get rid of them? I think getting more animals should be a joint decision, but I don't know what she expects you to do with the ones you already have.
I personally would rather go to a beach close to home with a baby but I know some people are more into traveling than I am.
Nah, she's fine with my birds
Nah, she's fine with my birds. They're just getting picked off by predators, and it's really bugging me I can't get a guard dog that can watch over them. I guess this was more of a vent, because I feel like I'm being treated like a child by my wife.
Wanted to see if that was valid, or if I'm being bullheaded.
Ok so you already have the
Ok so you already have the birds. You want a dog and she doesn't want a dog. I misunderstood.
Yeah, it sounds like its her way or the highway.
I get that you guys are
I get that you guys are having a hard time compromising and/or not scorekeeping as wins/losses in your relationship.
But, re the two issues you specifically mention. What is your issue with the vacation several states away? Is it the expense? The hassle of traveling a longer distance with a newborn? I don't 100% get her desire to show and infant the world.. because the infant isn't going to likely remember much. Maybe it's that she doesn't want the fact that you have a baby to limit where she gets to go?? Plenty of people travel the world with babies.. it's possible. It may require more planning and patience.. and obviously it sounds like this vacation is more expensive than a local trip to the beach.. but can you afford it as a couple or not. It shouldn't necessarily be rejected or approved out of hand. If you think that as a couple you need to save more money and travel closer to home.. I think that you have a right to have that input and see how she can figure out a compromise with you.
Now.. the 2nd issue.. the guardian dog. Look.... I've owned one. known people that own them and they are typically not particularly successfull with chicken/bird protections. Not saying they "can't" be.. but it is not necessarily likely. I had a guardian dog that was supposed to protect my goats.. nope.. he hated them.. and would never stay in the field with them. So.. with a LGD you risk getting an animal and then finding out that they have ZERO ability or inclination to do what you think you want them to do. Oh.. and they may roam and cause issues with neighbors. Oh.. and they are another living, breathing animal that you must feed and take to the vet. Even if they do have some amount of success keeping the foxes out of the area... what about the hawks.. they are unlikely to succeed against ALL predators. So, you risk having an animal that won't do what you need them to do. That may get injured protecting your flock.. (even more vet bills and a suffering animal)...may actually attack your birds themselves and may be imperfect protectors. You want to protect your birds? Put them in fort knox pens... protect them with a physical barrier. If you must allow them to free range.. you should monitor them.. with shotgun in hand.. and not try to assume some dog will have success at it. Can some dogs do it? yes.. but there are a bunch of other situations where they don't. Your wife may be afraid of dogs.. or not like them in the house due to mess etc.. I can kind of see her point on this.
On the first paragraph, I'd
On the first paragraph, I'd rather wait until my daugher was old enough to realize she's traveling to rome, before spending the money now to go to rome. Save it for then.
As for the dog. Raccoons and oppossums are my problem. I can't shoot them fast enough to keep them from taking the birds. And the ones getting taken now get penned up when they please, because they're ducks. If they're in the pond, and don't want to leave the pond, they just look at me like I'm an idiot, and go about their business. I'd get a dog that is specifically bred for raccoons (like a hound.) She and I both grew up with pups, so I don't get it so much.
In the first case.. I don't
In the first case.. I don't think the trip is so much for the baby as it is likely your WIFE wants to go to the exotic place...
Re dogs.. again... even dogs bred "for" a task can be outliers and not perform the task.... my dog was an example.. then you have a big dog with no "purpose". I understand that it may be a bit tougher to corral the ducks vs some other birds.. but honestly, when I see people keeping them .. they are often in pens with water features inside. Any animal that is allowed to roam is going to be at risk with or without the LGD.
Try a GSD instead of a hound.
Try a GSD instead of a hound. A hearding animal might work better.
Growing up we had chickens... and wild geese in a pond. Our GSD protected the heck out of them, never killed them. A badger tried getting in the chicken house. Dead badger. Now, she did need a few stitches, but not one feather was ruffled. We never lost a hen to any animal and they were free range.
We don't have such a thing.
We don't have such a thing. When we don't agree on something, we discuss it until we do. Neither forces the issue.
Yes, this
If one person says no, the other person does not just go do it anyway. So I guess the "no" person "wins" until the issue is discussed and agreement reached.
Off topic.
Off topic.
ITB = Infantry training battalion in 2012?
2007 here.
ITB
Nothing that exciting. Sorry.
ITB = In The Blender
Can it be margaritas in the
Can it be margaritas in the blender? Please?
It's called comp-ro-mise.
It's called comp-ro-mise. Compromise: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
If you are asking who earns the advantage of "major control" over a spouse, you should never have been married, dude.
Yeah, I'm confused - who gets
Yeah, I'm confused - who gets the tiebreaker? Are neither of you able to compromise? "Let's go to the beach this time, and next time we will take a longer trip" or vice versa. If you can't compromise, then no one will agree to someone getting the tie-breaker. It will just lead to each of you doing whatever you want because you each think you are "right".
Seems to be the daily thing.
Seems to be the daily thing. What's your opinion on my response to flmomma?
My response to you is to
My response to you is to google Borderline Personality Disorder, because IMO, that's what you are dealing with in your wife.
The fact that she feels you are "controlling her" if you don't go along with whatever she wants is a sign of it (along with her alienation of her daughter).
I mean, I don't disagree with
I mean, I don't disagree with you. I still love her though. It'd interesting to find a way to treat her without blowing the marriage to peices, because if I sat her down and told her that I thought she had BPD, she'd be out the door faster than a stepmom chugs wine when the stepchildren are over.
Crazy people don't think they're crazy, ya know? I'd be the person seen with the problem. The worst part is, she's validated by her parents/friends. Makes it impossible for my opinion to take any kind of root.
Of course you don't tell her
Of course you don't tell her that. You read about it and figure out how to manage it on your end (if possible).
We don’t really need to have
We don’t really need to have tiebreakers. We’re both pretty laid back and agree on major issues. When we don’t automatically agree it’s stuff the other doesn’t care about.
For example we are hoping to move in the future. We’ve talked about changes we want to make to the home. I’ve discussed with SO that I want to paint walls this color and he doesn’t care. If I were asking to paint them pink or neon green he’d say no but when I ask him if he prefers gray, brown, or off white he’s fine with whatever and that’s how almost everything works with us. We normally bounce ideas back and forth with ease and come to a mutual decision without fighting.
It depends on the issue. So
It depends on the issue. So in my house it's probably 50/50.
For example,I don't want an animal in my home ever...that is 100 percent non negotiable. There would be no discussing it with it me because my answer will never change. But pretty much everything else....sometimes I make the final call, sometimes DH does....sometimes we both make the call.
My situation has nothing to
My situation has nothing to do with what yours might be.
I get the tie breaker for most things. I had a wonderful full life for decades before meeting DH. I am fully capable of funding my life for the rest of my life (retired). I do NOT have to accept the unacceptable.
deleted
deleted
We make decisions together.
We make decisions together. If we don't agree, we weigh in on WHY the person who doesn't agree feels that way and recognize that even if we don't understand, it must be valid if they're keeping the other person from something they want/would make them happy. It all kind of works out when we both prioritize the other's happiness more than our own. The only time one of us would really take something the other person wants off the table completely is if it causes the person who says "no" undue hardship/too much negativity.
We don't have a tie breaker
We don't have a tie breaker per say. We follow the yes has to come from both theory. If one says no, it's a no.
We have separate finances and aren't married though have taken the steps to legally entwine ourselves re: decision making authority and beneficiaries.
If the expectation is that the household will be impacted then it's a discussion. If it's an individual impact, say if I was going to replace my vehicle, we'd have a conversation and I'd respect his opinion but its ultimately my decision to make.
For us, a vacation where all are expected to participate (even if only financially) then it is a two yes requirement.
Adding a member to the household is also a two yes requirement.
Having said that, could we have a rational conversation about it and compromise? Of course. Is there a chance one would cave and end up resenting their decision to go along to get along? Sure. Likely in our situation? No.
It sounds like there's a crack in the foundation for you guys. If any sort of differing view, regardless of the logic behind it or the presentation, is seen as combative and controlling you don't really have the opportunity for reasonable communication. If the two of you aren't willing to seek help for that I don't know that there is much you can do other than breed resentment and contempt. And that's no good.
Is the vacation to a further location with an infant a deal breaker? Is the flock going unprotected a deal breaker? Are there reasonable alternatives to either of your requests?
Side note: ducks are ridiculously amusing. Ours come when called (food driven little porkers that they are) and generally free range during the day but they are in their own Fort Knox when the sun goes down or if we are not home for extended periods. Very small flock but we haven't lost anyone yet - and we have cougars, coyotes, foxes, bob cats and hawks to contend with in addition to the trash bandits. Our dogs are not LGDs and though I'm sure they offer some level of deterrent they certainly don't act as shepherd to the flock. The big thing for us has been routine - they will let you know if you're running late for dinner and bedtime lock up or breakfast and morning freedom. Ha!
I would try some alternatives to bringing in a LGD if you can. GPs or Anatolin crosses generally do well with fowl and poultry but be very aware they aren't born with the knowledge, just hopefully the disposition. Training up a competent, reliable LGD is a lot of work. A. Lot. Lots of potential LGDs never fully rise to that potential. Be prepared for that.
Both partners have veto
Both partners have veto authority over decisions that impact them. Agree or it doesn't happen.
Animals, vacatons, etc.... should require agreement.
Anything short of that.... is a relationship on shakey ground IMHO.