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Who is a Custodial SM?

Dashin20's picture

I realize the title of my post may be slightly incorrect, politically. However, I am referring to the SMs who live with the custodial parent and are the primary mother figure in the child's life.

A couple of questions:

1. If full custody was obtained after you were in the picture, how much better did things get for you? Obviously it was probably better for the child, but how did it change for you? Did the BM's drama slow down? Was it less invasive?

2. Was it hard to obtain custody?

3. If the BM's drama did not stop, was it easier to prove her wrong in court?

4. If there are any custodial SMs that are in a different state than the BM, how do visitations work?

5. Any tips of tricks you would like to share for someone considering supporting their husband in a full custody battle?

Mainly, I am looking for your experiences. If you have BKs, tell me about how it affected them as well.

As always, feel free to vent Wink

RaeRae's picture

I'm custodial SM.

1. Custody was obtained 2 or 3 months after we were married, going from 50/50 to full custody (we lived together only after marriage). We have a lot of kids and it is tough, but we do not have to deal with BM twice a week anymore which is well worth it. We see her once every other week, and the kids come home on the bus after her visitation.

2. No, BM pretty much neglected the kids and chose her sex life and partying lifestyle over the kids, and we had a good judge (see my blog for a speech from the judge to her).

3. Her drama hasn't stopped, she filed an appeal which will be heard next month. However, when we have gone to court, she has filed obvious false claims which makes her lose a lot of credibility. Just better for us to use next time, hopefully.

4. n/a... unfortunately, she lives 30/40 minutes away.

5. I helped keep evidence organized for DH, and was available to testify. I was friends with the BM before she went off the deep end and screwed her family, so I knew how she was vs how she became. I saw first hand how she destroyed her family. DH and I never intended to end up together, but through my support of him, it happened. It was and still is stressful, it takes a lot of love and dedication... and it did help that I already loved his kids-I loved them years before I loved him.

As for my own kids, at times they love being in a big family, other times they want time alone. Which they do get, every other weekend.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Custodial SM here.
#1 - Things got better because the CS went down SLIGHTLY. Got worse, cause she doesn't pay us a dime. It was better for the Skid, but the BM drama didn't end. In fact, she now wanted to RULE my home because her son was living in it. I eventually blocked her number from calling my house.

#2 - It was expensive to get custody but not as bad as it can get. We had a friend who gave us a break with the lawyer fee's. Since he was 15 at the time, he was able to speak in court and that made it easier because HE wanted to live with us.

#3 - The BM drama has decreased slightly now, however we have not had the need to go back to court since we gained custody.

#4 - We are in NJ she is in NY. We end up doing ALL pick ups & drop offs. She doesn't even buy SS18's bus ticket to come back home when he does go visit her. All expenses are on us.

#5 - Be ready to have everything change in your life. DH's are usually good at just giving the kids whatever they want whether or not it is deserved. Be prepared to play the BAD cop in almost every scenario because DH's usually have no back bone and refuse to set rules or consequences for bad behavior.

Good luck...

Dashin20's picture

Oh, I am not trying to get custody. Haha. I have given up on that. I won't do that to my kids. I am just curious as to how it all works or has been for everyone else.

marissamae88's picture

1. Full custody was obtained before I came into the picture. BM used to only see the kids ever other Monday for an hour and she showed up late left early. She is now trying to be mother of the year since she found out I am in the picture.

2. Was it hard to obtain custody? From my understanding no because the BM was a drug addict.

3. If the BM's drama did not stop, was it easier to prove her wrong in court? We are not trying to do that. My SO and her went to mediation because all of a sudden now she will be a great mother (yea right) but the mediator told my SO that he looked as though he wasnt being fair and to let her have unsupervised visit every other weekend for five hours. Its hard because everyone feels bad for her.

4. If there are any custodial SMs that are in a different state than the BM, how do visitations work? I am not.

5. Any tips of tricks you would like to share for someone considering supporting their husband in a full custody battle? Make sure you both are on the same page with discipline and just parenting in general. I think that is what saves us because we raise the kids the same whether I was here or not.

I love being a custodial SM because I love the boys. Lately its been pretty hard on me because the BM found out about me this past christmas. Now she is trying to get more time with her kids so she can show them her great mothering skills. There have only been two visits. I know I might be considered nit picking or what not and a lot of sm's on here tell me I shouldnt care because their not my kids but the youngest one is about to be 3. I have been in the picture before he was one so really I am his mother. He was born with drugs in his system so he was taken from her at birth. He knows no one else besides his grandma with that said these two visits have literally felt like a punch in the face. She has a lesbian friend buying their love feeding them literally junk. The 7 year old game home and said Mom guess what she gave me a whole bucket of ice cream and said it was all mine! Who does that? I said to him cool and then youngest one comes out of the car and his hair is cut! We like it and he liked it so why are you cutting his hair? You are not in the picture enough for that. Its and up hill long ass battle. Thank god for starbucks