Where Do I Fit In?
New to this site. Hoping for some positive feedback. I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year, she has a 6 year old daughter. The daughter and i get along great, always includes me, wants to be with me and i couldnt ask for a better relationship on that end. We currently live apart and i see my girlfriend and her daughter a couple times a week. She co-parents jointly with her ex-boyfriend who is the childs father. Lately i have been dealing with jealously. I know a certain amount is normal but i have been keeping things inside. If i have the discussions with my GF she often is close minded and doesnt understand my feelings. My GF is very big on social media and posts pictures of just her and her daughter almost daily. She rarely posts pictures, comments or positive things about me. Is this petty...maybe, but its odd to me. She gets messages from other guys at times that are her 'friends' which to a certain extent i'm okay with but then again i feel she is giving off the vibe of being single. When we are together all is usually good and i dont typically have a jealous feeling but apart, with the combination of not feeling loved nearly as much as her daughter i feel left out. I feel like she could and should do more. I just feel excluded from the important things in life and she doesnt do a super job to make me a part of them. Thanks for your thoughts.
You don't mention any
You don't mention any problems that you have in dealing with the kid, or any problems involving the bio father. I don't think this is a stepparenting problem at all. You do say you have a problem with not feeling loved nearly as much as the daughter. But, take the daughter out of that sentence and you get the real problem. You don't feel loved. I don't know how old you both are, but maybe it's a maturity issue or maybe she is thoughtlessly inconsiderate. All you can do is talk to her about your feelings. Tell her specifically what you need more of or less of. Ask her if she is overwhelmed or stressed. If she listens and you guys can work it out to where you feel the love, good. If not, she's not the one for you.
I feel for you, man.
I'm really sorry you feel that way Matt.
I've had the same experience but I'm happy to say, out of the 40 or so pictures thru the house, I'm in 2 or 3....lol. Its taken time for me to come to the realization that this has nothing to do with myself (or with you, for that matter!), rather I think it has to do with where your partner is in her life and there may be nothing wrong with that. I feel that our significant others are focused on relationships in order to get married, then they move from marriage and focus on children (maybe after that they focus from their kids to their grandkids), but we didn't get on the train during her first, awkward kiss at the highschool dance and we weren't showered with rice at her first wedding, instead, we came in after those passions are past and completed in her mind, which actually is perfectly natural....now, her focus will be her children. After some time passes and if you're patient enough, I think you'll grow closer as a couple (and family) and you'll understand her roll for you is as a care giver, confidant and protector.....but maybe not as an old boyfriend or her ex-husband (which she probably has many great photos of and just as many bad feelings about...).
One other point....After I realized my wife wasn't putting many pictures of me around the house, I started to buy "personalized" gag gifts and I put them everywhere....(blankets, socks and even bobble head figures, etc.). I did this partially as a joke...but in retrospect, I realized "we" (guys like you and I) have to take control of how we are perceived....meaning...If you don't take the inititive to fill those spaces with pictures of you in the family, she may think you don't want to be portrade that way....I say take her daughter out for special pics with you and post those on Facebook and see what your GF does....lol. Either way...Good Luck, brother!
Yeah I agree with ya. And at
Yeah I agree with ya. And at times i think there is nothing wrong with the excessive pics of her and her daughter sometimes my mind drifts and i say is she doing this bc she doesnt want me in them...or because she's trying to look single for some reason? On the flip side i say okay this is her way of showing everyone shes the strong willed 'single' mother who does everything for her kid and needs no help. Its new to me, and just a bit odd. Right now, i certainly dont feel appreicated and yes validation at times does help. I have been pretty patient and will wait it out some more time in hope that she comes around.. Good suggestion to the pics with her daughter. I will start to do more of that, fill my space with those and exclude her lol.
I agree, this sounds like it
I agree, this sounds like it could be a problem with your relationship, more than anything that has to do with the kid. However if you do come to realize you are jealous towards her daughter AND you begin getting the attention you need, then that is a red flag. It's really hard to get over jealousy of a partners kids and it is toxic to a relationship.
Thanks for your thoughts. I
Thanks for your thoughts. I agree as well, more an issue amongst me and my GF then the daughter. Where i struggle is the times where the daughter says "Mommy youre not watching me when i talk" or when me and my GF lay down for 5 mins together with her around and her daughter says "Mommy you dont love me anymore you're not laying with me..." My GF usually tells her daughter shes 100% wrong/why is she sayin this etc...but she also does defend her, which i'm fine with but she is spoiling the child more in my opinion bc if we lived together the odds of the 3 of us playing/listening/watching her 24-7 are slim to none and that's the world the child lives in right now. Its hard for me to make recommendations on the situation to my GF. In no way am i jealous of the relationship my GF has with her daughter, but i feel insecure in mine at the moment, in conjunction with my GF always backing the child even in scenarios described above.
Hi Matt. Sorry to hear you
Hi Matt. Sorry to hear you feel this way. But I agree with a few others, sounds like a relationship issue. Trust me I've gone through this where my bf wasn't posting me on his social media (social media ruins stuff lol) but his excuse was "oh I don't want my ex to use anything against me) but as soon as he settled his court stuff with one of the kids, I pushed him a bit on how I felt so he started to post a little more. I get that sometimes we need validation so it's normal but keep your mind open and express your feelings, maybe your gf doesn't know the severity of your feelings and just needs for it to be known before she can fix it.
Hi Jules - thanks for your
Hi Jules - thanks for your thoughts. Yes social media stuff does interfere and get in the way at times. I expressed to her even though it is a small thing to her, that it is odd she rarely posts photos of the 2 of us or even the 3 of us together. I think she understands it now, but still since she is in her eyes a 'single mother' (she does co-parent tho and has me as her BF) she takes great pride in her daughter and whenever she gets her back from her exes house, they spend 100% of their time together, to the point that on those days i dont even see her. She does spoil her, and the concern in the long run would be how will the child react if we live toghether. Often her daughter when she comes over my house, struggles with her Mom sharing her time. She will need to be busy 24-7 when they're here and if my GF and i lay or talk for 10 mins she'll say no talking lol and things like that. I try to tell my GF how will this work but she is very protective of her daughter and says it'll get better over time or she'll learn. None of this helps bc yes i rarely have validation of her in any form. I do trust her but the small things to validate feelings and what not over time do help.
It doesn't sound like she's
It doesn't sound like she's that into you, or perhaps she's simply not at the same stage in the relationship as you?
I'd evaluate my relationship if you feel that talking about it with her is not doing much. If she is dismissive now about your feelings, when there are few problems, then I'd question how dismissive she would be if you were in the trenches with her.
I feel like we arent because
I feel like we arent because i am ready to be serious and i feel her intentions are just to please her child, and i will just be there to mop up the rest. She understands my feelings but her main priority is always the child etc. etc. I feel she does this to make up for a bad biological father and attention issues there. I'm just not sure how else to discuss, because i usually get shot down that i am looking into things too much.