I've been reading this site for a long time and I guess now I just wanted to share what works for me. It may not work for everybody but what has worked for me is if I'm never around BM. I used to go to school events for my SD13 and I used to pick her up sometimes at BM's and drop her off at her friends' houses for sleepovers, take her to appointments, meet with teachers etc. That set off BM and made her more aggressive toward DH. Now that SD is older I think its working if I'm a big part of her life when she's with DM and I (which is half the time) but if I back away from her "public" life.

As long BM doesn't see me and her friends (the other moms) don't see me and SD's teachers don't see me, everything is better. I think it makes it easier for BM to pretend I don't exist. BM has calmed waaay down and that makes everybody happier including me, DH and SD. I'm still a big part of SD's life when she's with us. We spend a lot of time together and get along great. I'm just not visible on the outside, if that makes sense. DH takes care of all of that.

It took some getting used to and I guess someone could say that I should keep doing all those things if I want to no matter how BM responds to it. But after years and years of trying it I realized the price we all had to pay with BM's behavior was just too high. So now we all do our own thing, SD has her life with DH and I and she has her life with BM. DH and BM don't have much contact but they do communicate when they need to. Everything has calmed down. Like I said I'm not saying this would work for everyone but it's worth it for me.