I have had a long and bumpy road as a step mother but here is what I have learnt:
1 A lot of step kids seem to not have an emotional education, the BM is scared stiff that the affections of SM and DH will steal her child away and she poisons the child’s mind whilst the DH over compensates and never tells the child off. Both Bio’s end up spoiling the child and its idea of someone loving them is what they can be purchased for them or given, they learn to manipulate not love. Parents love = money, presents no matter how awful the child behaves. As a step you cannot win, if you speak your mind you are NOT MY MOTHER, I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK, if you keep quiet they make assumptions that you are plotting and planning your hatred against them. Bio mum fuels the flames as to what bio dad does you will take the blame. The kids end up being unable to form healthy relationships.
2 Grow a very thick skin. Learn not to take it personally, remain respectful but strong do not be abused, the kids jealousy, insecurity, anger, misery will always be directed at you as it is easier to blame the step rather than the Bio’s. In time you can hope that by remaining calm, respectful and not dropping yourself down to their level they may actually learn how to behave themselves and who knows in time the step parents role may become a happier one. I hope one day as more families become blended that step parents will have role models and our own tv shows with super step nannies and “ the naughty step” for guidance”, books for support and a great idea of where we fit within the family.
3 Most of the time how you are feeling is how the kid is feeling, I spent times feeling awkward, uncomfortable, insecure, pushed out, and resentful, I can guarantee the kid feels the same, as people seem to project their emotions onto others and again you can make things worse by the words that you use, your body language and reservation. Try not to make assumptions yourself, I learnt that if a kid is quiet, it was tired but i would think it didn’t want to talk to me!
4 Misery likes company, the more family members are miserable the more others within it whine and moan, try to be the optimistic, happy, jolly one, its hard but it does help, the step will want to fit into a warm environment its almost like you are advertising your home to them saying look if you are nice this is what you can be part of.
5 take time out, enjoy your friends, good books, your own family try to get a balance as it is easy to get dragged down into the misery and get obsessed by trying to please the steps, i noticed the more you try the less it works, just be yourself, its up to the step to fit into your lives not you try to fit your life around theirs.
And finally 6 if all else fails there is always vodka