What is with all the manipulation and drama on BM's part...
Sorry this is a long story - I am writing to vent and to see if anyone relates to what my husband and I are going through. My husband has a son, 15 years old, with his ex-girlfriend. She has always seemed to try her best to take time with her son away from us. Also, she always seems to be feeding "drama", and it seems to have come to a head over this summer. Earlier in the summer, she asked DH if he would be able to change the weeks SS 15 comes for summer visitation. DH is supposed to get him all summer long, minus every other weekend (custody arrangement shifts - also court papers are written this way because there is a hour and a half distance between the families).
Well, a few weeks prior to summer, BM asked if SS can come only every other week because he has a part time job every other week. It was to pay him cash under the table, and my husband knew if he disagreed BM and SS would give him a huge hassle, so he said yes. DH was not happy with this situation, but he dealth with it. Come earlier in August, after a week my SS spent at our house, DH gets a call from him and he is crying. He can't continue the conversation, and BM gets on the phone and says that SS doesn't want to come anymore. Says he doesn't feel comfortable around me (SM), but doesn't give any specifics why. She says he has been feeling anxiety and even didn't go to work today. Also, SS says he doesn't get to spend enough time with his father because I spend time with my husband after I get home from work at 6pm, till about 10pm when I go to bed. My husband is currently out of work, and would spend the day with his son. However, his son didn't want to do anything besides play video games or be on his phone. He would even get upset when my husband asked SS to do anything with him.
My DH was not happy, and they even dragged a counselor into the mess, who called and gave DH the advice that "he needs to tell SS he loves him no matter what he decides." I couldn't believe this drama and how I was dragged in when I barely speak two works to my SS becuase he is moody and takes everything the wrong way. I felt I was being used as an excuse. Here to find out SS lost his job, but didn't tell us. I guess BM came us with this plan in order to get SS to continue to stay at her house every other week. So, a week went by and DH heard nothing from SS...not a peep! DH calls him and basically says "am I still picking you up for the week?". SS says yes, and he stays the week. While he is there, he is aloof, barely talks to either of us, and every time my husband tries to do something with him, SS tries to do his own thing. DH even takes SS to a state park, and SS runs off by himself, takes selfies in the woods, and posts them on Facebook. BM and SS comment back and forth to each other, then SD gets into the mix. This is when he was barely saying two works to us.
So, we finish off the week, and we find out the following weekend my DH's mother has a family picnic. SS expressed interest, so we ask BM to switch weekends. She said we could, but her family "may" have a picnic that weekend, so SS will have to choose. We waited the week, and finally on Friday morning DH hears from SS last minute that there is no BM picnic and to pick him up later that day till Sunday (because that is how the weekends typically go).
So, the day of the picnic comes (Saturday). BM texts SS that she is taking the two younger kids to an amusement park because she just found her discount tickets expire at the end of the month. There was no previous plans to go to this amusement park. SS was upset that BM would go to amusement park without him, so BM texts and says "maybe your Dad can take you." So SS asks DH if he could take him, and he says well, we have the picnic today and Sunday you are supposed to go back to your Mom's by 5 so that can't work. All of the sudden, SS makes plans to stay with BM, and tells everyone at the picnic he is staying till Monday and his father is taking him to amusement park. Mind you, he didn't ask my DH, and DH didn't have the extra money to take him. He also recongized this as a nasty manipulation tactic. So he tells SS that he can stay, but will do something closer to home (amusement park is two hours each direction). So SS agrees, and they end up going to State Park and bowling. SS is having a good time bowling, but DH is supposed to take him back around 5. All of the sudden, SS gets mad and says he wants to bowl another game. DH says he can't, that he has to drive him back. All of the sudden, SS say no he doesn't, he doesn't have soccer practice till the next morning and will just be bored sitting at BM's house the rest of night so they should bowl longer. This kind of irritated DH, he felt used because this was supposed to be time that he gets him (i.e. summer).
So DH drove back SS, and has been very upset about the whole situation. He also just found out while driving SS back that BM is supposedly "moving" to a new house in a different county which may divide more distance between the houses. With all the sneakiness, manipulation, mind games, etc. between the BM and SS, its getting to be rediculous. DH wants to see his son, but BM is constantly using manipulation tactics so he doesn't get to see his son, or only on his son's terms.
Anybody else deal with manipulation like this???
Oh yes all the time. Seems to
Oh yes all the time. Seems to be a common thread unfortunately. Our BM always insisted that the skids didn't want to come here because I don't like them and they can "feel that". I have termed it GAS (girlfriend alienation syndrome). Our BM tried hard to turn the skids against FDH and then when that didn't work, she turned the heat up on me. Things have settled down for now because she met a new guy and they got married. She also has a slightly bigger house than us now. With our BM her vengeance, manipulation, nastiness and meanness all started because we bought a home together and its bigger than hers was. This is from her mouth, not mine. The manipulation is incredible. The worst part is that these BM's seem to go around like they are Mother of The Year and play the victim role so well that no one disbelieves them. I was very depressed after losing my sister (my best friend) who is badly brain damaged and one evening drank too much wine. Yes I was drunk and crying, I am not saying I wasn't. I went back to bereavement counseling to help me with my newer loss. BM now only refers to me as "the drunk" and says nasty things to FDH about me, he should save his money to send me to rehab :jawdrop: . She told everyone, and I do mean everyone that I was drunk around her precious children. So we SM's have to be on the best behavior always, because any little weakness or flaw and the BM's will go for the juggler. The manipulations is dreadful and it leaves you with a helpless feeling. I am really sorry you are going through this. Try to take time for yourself and look after yourself. If you don't no-one else will.
What you are going through is
What you are going through is so common and so very difficult. It is always a struggle. I thought it would get better when they (SKs) were adults. Some things have gotten better, but some things have gotten worse. I kind'a think 15 is almost old enough to decide for yourself when you want to go over to dad's or not? But, a lot may depend. With both of my husband's children, they stopped wanting to go over to dads about that time, and it had nothing to do with dad or even I, but it had to do with the pain of having to be at that age--close to an adult--and bringing all of your crap back and forth and teenage angst, still dealing with the divorce (even though it had occurred years earlier), etc. I can see where BM would try to blame you, but I think it is just plain ol' frustration on your SS's part too. All I think you can do in these situations is your best. You know, we did have the kids just come over once in a while or when they felt like it when they were around 16, but maybe that is why we are having other issues with them now that they are young adults? My DH was kind'a laid back, and now I realize that he should have been more stronger with them and with BM, promoting he and I as couple, taking charge more, etc. Would it be okay for SS to just get together with dad on some occasions? I think anyone who is a SM or step-dad should feel very proud. It is not easy. But, yeah, unfortunately you will be made out to be the scapegoat by many, sometimes even including your own spouse, like we are even remotely to blame for the divorce or break-up that happened years before we ever entered the picture. Step-parents are seen as expendable and blame-able by BM, SKs, in-laws, the list goes on. You just need to know that you did your best, and you need to watch out for yourself.
I am so sorry that you are a
I am so sorry that you are a victim of this bm and I feel bad for your dh and ss too. This woman is manipulating everyone and causing havoc in your lives. My advice is for dh to speak with ss to see what he wants. Your ss is old enough to decide what he wants for himself. Then you and DH need to accept whatever he says and deal with it.
It would help the situation
It would help the situation if Dad stopped "asking" ss when and if he's going to pick him up or making him choose between family events. Dad should insist on his own visitation time as per the co. No ifs, ands or buts. If dad wants to be generous about making adjustments, he can offer it up but on his own terms. If bm or ss abuses said generosity, guess what, generosity ends right there and so sad never allow this adjustment again. Skid earns dad's trust. Dad stays in control of his own life and household.