Welcome only as a partner and not a 'step-parent'
I've been with my partner 5 years, he has a son of nearly 5 years that he co-parents 50/50. I've always wanted to be more involved and welcome in the dadding part of his life but it's met with resistance. I think as he struggles to be dad and partner at the same time and as he'd rather just focus on his son when he's with him.
I see them together maybe once every six-eight weeks for a few hours and I get on with the little guy pretty well. But I've have to push my way in even for that time. I think maybe it's time for me to stop trying as its not getting any easier, its doesn't seem to be what my partner wants and its hurting me. But I feel like I get all the downsides of being with a parent with none of the upsides and I think the future looks very lonely.
I've raised this many times to help and nothing has changed. I wish it was celebrating that I've always embraced the dad side and wanted to bond with his son. Is this something that is experienced by other step parents? Should I be accepting that he might want to keep the two parts of his life separate forever?
Thank you x
It depends on what you want.
It depends on what you want. If you want an equal partner in life, this might just not be the relationship for you and stop wasting time.
Some people WISH nothing was expected of them as a step parent.
It really depends on you and what you want in life. Do you want kids with this person. Is the status quo sustainable? I
After 5 years, it doesn't
After 5 years, it doesn't seem reasonable that he is excluding you from 50% of his life. If he has his kid 50% of the time.. you only have a PT SO if you aren't able to be part of his life otherwise.
Now, he may not be inclined to want to have you stay overnight but certainly, you should probably be seeing them more than once ever month or two!
Have you asked him more directly why he doesn't want you around? why does he think your presence will diminish the time with his child?
Now.. I don' tthink you should be parenting the kid.. but certainly being around and getting to know him? yes.
It sounds like he should
It sounds like he should remain single, at least, for the time being.
You're not even really a "partner", as he shuts you out of an important part of his life. You don't have to be a step parent, as in parenting his child, but to only be around the child every 6-8 weeks is weird, especially since you've been with him for 5 years (since the child was born?).
Equity life partners are equity parents to any spawn in their
Equity life partners are equity parents to any spawn in their home/blended family regardless of kid biology. If not, they should be.
If this is where your relationship has been for 5yrs, the odds of improvement are slim to none. Kids never take priority over the equity life partners in the relationship. Kids are the top relationship responsibilty, not the top relationship priority. Minor children that is.
If your SO does not have the intellectual capability or maturity to recognize that, don't waste any more of your time with this relationship.
IMHO of course.
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. I did wonder if this was more 'normal' and I should just be patient but normal really is irrelevant and it's about needs.
We won't have children - both age 40 so that's a near certainty. Even living together isn't a priority for me. But sharing a life with someone is. Also aware I should be grateful that the demands on me are non existant.
I've never managed to get him to articulately vocalise why we are still where we are, beyond he finds it tricky factoring me in to the time he has with his son. And when I am there I can see he struggles with the combination of us and is tense, like it's too much to handle and he feels guilty that he's doing none of it right. I thought through repetition and practice it would get easier but we are quite far down the line now and it hasn't. Yes, I was around before the little guy was born. He was small surprise to both of us. :)
Thanks again - it's good to talk. x
You being around before the
You being around before the kid is a sticking point to me.
I can understand if you've been a single parent for a while that it can be hard balancing a new relationship with having kids. You have to take into consideration how the kids feel, their needs versus your wants based on an established pattern, etc.
But you were around before the kid. The kid could have *literally* grown up with you being a permanent fixture in their life. They could *literally* have no memories of a time before you existed. You and your partner could *literally* have learned how to co-parent from the beginning. I'm not saying you had an ideal step situation, but you all were LITERALLY in a position where many of the challenges with blending could be avoided.
I can't wrap my head around what his issue is other than you're convenient and way too understanding of the situation. If balancing a kid and relationship was too much, he could have easily broken it off with you since you two were newly together when SS showed up. He has seemingly put in zero effort to try and balance his relationships - and he has a golden ticket situation where he could have EASILY integrated both together because there isn't the kid's emotional baggage to consider.
I think he's just not that into you. He's into you enough to keep you around for when he's bored or free, but he's not interested in a partner. If you're cool with just being a casual thing, then this is a great set-up. But if you're wanting to be more involved, then you either have to put your foot down that this is an effed up situation or see yourself out. What you want and what he's giving are not aligned, and continuing to be patient and understanding won't get you what you want.
i do kind of wonder about the
i do kind of wonder about the timing of it all as well.. and how that may have factored in. Were you dating when he got someone else pregnant? Did he get someone pregnant then dip out on their relationship and meet you afterwards?
I wonder if he is still somehow quasi in the mother's life in some way still and doesn't like his universes colliding?
But in the end.. I think it's time to evaluate the state of your relationship future. FIVE years is certainly long enough to understand whether you are lifetime partner material. If you both haven't gotten there after 5 years? Unless you are very.. very young (sub 21) then I think you have reached a point where you have to poop or get off the pot. BOTH of you.
You need to simply have the conversation. "Where do you see our future? Do you see us getting married? living together? because at 5 years I am ready for more comittment.. I want to be married. .have kids of my own etc.. are we there?"
Based on the OP's most recent
Based on the OP's most recent response, they're 40. So this guy was 35ish when the baby was born. That seems more than old enough to either figure out how to balance relationships or let someone go if it isn't working out.
I agree with you, though, about the timing on this relationship and how OP's SO interacts with the BM. I'm not naive enough to think accodents can't happen in your 30s, but being in your mid-30s with a "surprise" baby with an ex is not the norm. If I were OP, I'd want a lot of details as to what happened and the relationship between my partner and their ex.
100% this.
Lots to consider.
Out of all my concerns, the
Out of all my concerns, the mother has never been one of them. She was pregnant before we got together and neither of us knew, they weren't in a relationship. Their relationship now is functional and I'm pretty certain they don't discuss our time or relationship. This is just about me, him and the little one. :)
Ok.. well what about your
Ok.. well what about your relationship with HIM. FIVE years??? and no committment? no proposal.. no offer to move in.. do you want kids of your own ever? Are you ok with this guy wasting your reproductive years if that is the case? By now, you both should have a good idea about whether you would be compatible for a long term partnership. It's time to cut loose if there is no potential...and the fact that he can't include you in his child's life fully is only part of that.
^^^THIS^^^
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…. But sharing a life with someone is.
How about sharing a life with the right person is. The right someone is. This guy isn't the right someone.
I don't think he's ready.
For a long term serious relationship with you. Five years in or not. I think too much happened too quickly for him to process - he began a relationship with you and within months became a father with another woman. That right there did not bode well.
You did not mention the boy's mother but she is certainly a factor here. She may be (overtly or covertly) influencing his behavior with you and is insisting he keeps you at a distance when the boy is there for his 50% custody.
I think he has divided his life into two parts: the serious father part which is a lifetime role for him. And the "have fun with Mclz but then push her aside" part. Which can be easily removed if it becomes problematic, especially since the child has no relationship with you and won't miss you a bit.
I wouldn't want to be this type of "part" in anyone's life.
What does he say when you ask
What does he say when you ask him why he's keeping you away from the kid? What is his excuse for treating you like a part-time partner?
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Be firm, but approach with love
HI Mclz,
I think your instincts are right on. The future will be very lonely. Just curious, have you sat him down and kindly said "I see you struggling, and I think that is why you are doing this, but please let me in. Please let me help you parent, not just for you, but for my sake. I love both of you and want to be included in both of your lives. Can you do this?" If so, what does he say? If he says: " yes, I will try" - that is good. If he says, "no, and here is why I refuse...." Then I would probably tell him "Well, that is too bad, because I refuse to be excluded from my own family. I am leaving."
I have had this talk a few times with DH. The first time I thought maybe I was overreacting. The second time was regarding the kids, and his mother, who was living with us and causing a lot of stress, so I approached him in anger, which didn't end well. The third time I approached him in kindness and love, and that worked. He did try, but his instinct to shield his kids from all outside influences kicked in after 6 months, and we are back near where we started. This time, I approached him with love and kindness, and was firm in my demand that I need him to attend family counseling with me, and likely his daughter. I gave him one week to set up the appointment, and after that I would set up the appointment. ( I didn't tell him that part, and lucky for him he came through for me.) So, we start next week. I have been with him 11 years and I helped raise his daughters, whether he accepts it or not. I think you should stand up for yourself with as much love in your heart as you can - as love always opens people's hearts while anger closes their hearts. That's my 2 cents, anyway. I wish you luck and I hope it works out.
Unfortunately the step
Unfortunately the step parents don't USUAL get to be a parent, we usually are just the significant others...
Hun
I actually felt sad for you as I read this.
On here so many deal with crummy skids and try to figure out how to disengage. Here you are being in your SO's life before the skid was born, but your SO treats you and your relationship seperately from his kid life. Its odd . Seems like you have been compartmentalized. You want to be part of the whole picture and have a blended family with him. You are a good person.
He is not a long term relationship material.
The good news is that you do not live together. I would strongly recommend you remove him from your life. It sounds like you want a complete package, and you deserve one.
Let him go. He isnt the guy for you.
Blessings
Even in the absence of kids
Even in the absence of kids five years is a long time for just dating with no commitment. Unless you want to just continue dating. Have you talked about the future? The issue might not be the kid but this guy avoiding commitment
This is my question as well -
This is my question as well - how much have you two communicated about your relationship, what works, what does not, what the future holds, what shared goals you have? It seems that five years is a lot of time to be in a standstill mode.
So past discussions about it
So past discussions about it I think now have been too led by me and what I was hoping for as I thought we were on the same path, albeit for him at a slower speed than me, so I've raised it again now to try to better understand what he wants. His fears come from his own childhood and sharing his (slightly absent) father with many women and then his step mother. He doesn't want his son to feel the same.
I don't want my own children, marriage or to live with him (especially while he has his son ... in 20 years time I may feel different about living together). But I do want to feel part of something and not just be welcome in his and his son's life but to enrich them. For now we will work on a better pattern of seeing the two of them together once a month as the ad hoc nature has left me very at sea. The long term I need to get my head around whether it will make me happy to not be as involved as I was hoping I would one day be. I feel better armed for making decisions now. The rest of our relationship is wonderful and full of laughter by the way, otherwise this wouldn't be so tricky.
Thank you for your help and comments - they have initiated something for us. I'm just not sure what yet. x
You have been with your SO for 5yrs.
With a nearly 5yo, it does not appear that he has been with you for 5yrs.
Please do not burn 20 more years of your life on this shit show.