"That was a really nice cake."
I know this isn't step-kid related, but I don't have anybody else to vent with. Please bear with me.
My DH's mom had back surgery a week ago, and is still in the hospital. We went to visit her last night. During our chat, she mentioned that she saw a picture on facebook of the birthday cake that BM made for SS7's birthday recently. She talked a bit about the pictures, then ended with "That was a really nice cake (that BM made)."
MIL is a great lady. She really is, and I like her a lot, but for some reason, her comment is still bugging me today. It probably shouldn't, but it does.
I have always felt a bit - well, I don't know - inadequate around MIL. She's a professional baker and cake decorator, and creates beautiful designs and cakes and whatnot. Truly extraordinary stuff. DH said she worked with BM a bit while BM and DH were married (they were together for nine years) to help her learn how to decorate cakes.
I am NOT a "June Cleaver" type, but MIL is. She bakes, sews, decorates, does everything homemakerish you can imagine. I've never been that way and never will be. It repulses me to think of spending all my time on things like that. I'm just NOT into it. It doesn't interest me at all. I'm a career gal and have come pretty far in my life, never wanted to be a SAHM (not that I think there's anything about it that's bad or wrong - just not what I wanted for myself), and no, I can't make pretty cakes. BM doesn't do a great job either, from what I've seen in the past, but that's not the point.
BM doesn't work and sits at home all day, literally doing nothing more than watching TV and stuffing her face.
I never saw a picture of the cake and can't say whether it was a really nice cake or not, but sometimes I feel like a stand-in for BM. She comes up in conversation from time to time, and someone (usually MIL) will make a positive and somewhat wistful, sentimental comment about her. It resonates with me for days.
I did make a cake for DS's 9th birthday about a month ago, and posted a picture of it on facebook. MIL and I are facebook friends. Not a single comment from her about it. Okay, maybe it wasn't worthy of Martha Stewart's attention, but dammit, for somebody like me, I thought it looked pretty good!
Does anybody else ever have to deal with stuff like this from your in-laws, and if so, how do you handle it? Do you end up sitting there feeling like chopped liver, like I do sometimes?
Okay, that's enough of that. It's totally off-topic and I apologize. I just had to get it out somehow! Thank you!
my MIL does this. She tries
my MIL does this. She tries every once and awhile to say something nice about BM. DH & BM were never married & never even in love & BM has always been just a pain in the ass to MIL. But she still does it.
I think its almost to convince herself that BM isn't a terrible human being/mom & that SD isn't living with a terrible person.
It's not off topic, you're
It's not off topic, you're dealing with a step-mothers problem.
In addition to what the others have said above remember that MIL's dreams for a nuclear family went out the window with her sons divorce. She suffered along with everyone else and she's going to be biased. Once again you have to make yourself understand that you're the second stringer - not necessarily less able - just not the way it was supposed to go.
I think you are looking too
I think you are looking too much into it. My MIL once called me by BM's name by accident hahahaha.
You need to understand that this is the grandma to your skids and ofcourse she has a history with BM and probably even still has contact with BM. My MIL still has lots of contact with BM and I am in no way threatened by it. She talks about her to me and it doesn't bother me. They have a history together. I look at it as if she was talking about an aunt or a friend she has known for a long time.
She probably didn't mean anything by it.
You want a MIL story.....one of my ex's was divorced and his mom was sooo upset about it. She didn't like me at all. She kept their wedding photos displayed in her home and refused to take them down. Even after my boyfriend asked her repeatedly to take them down. She used to take his x wife to her cottage with her for girls weekends, they would go shopping together, have lunch and dinner all the time. I wasn't even allowed to step foot in her house. The funny part was, we had dated when we were younger and she loved me and we would do all kinds of things together. Suddenly she hated me.
Oh hun! I understand!! If I
Oh hun! I understand!! If I can offer you anything at all from my own heartache experience - what she thinks about you, has NOTHING to do with YOU! Ever notice how Mil could easily be called Bio Mil (BM!) lol... Because they also want things to go their way, because of course if their dear son's marriage ended, then they as BM stepped in to be their own version of mini wife. But then you (and I and every other SM) stepped in and took over "their" role too.
So it's not bad enough to have BM's who want a say in DH's life, or the SD's who are mini-wives, but some of us also get delightful Bio Mil's too
At least when you see it that way, you can understand (well, understand is a strong word. Perhaps "have insight" would be better?) how a Mil could possibly still speak kindly of (visit with/enjoy) a BM who wronged her own flesh and blood child. I've knocked my head against a wall about that too - BM has done horrid things to my hubby and the kids - but because I refuse the kids a THIRD helping of dessert, she called my husband to complain that I'm too hard and a control freak lol.
So please, remember, you don't have to measure up to anybody, and you do NOT need Mil's approval. You are special to the only person who matters - DH. Don't let anyone take that away from you!
I'm sure she didn't mean
I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, and it shouldn't even bother me, but it kinda did. Every now and then she'll reminisce and bring up stories of stuff that BM and DH had done together, trips they took, etc. DH and I are in no financial position to go on nice cruises and vacations like he took with BM, so it stings even more. All I can do is sit there quietly, stewing, thinking "Huh. Must be nice to go on a trip like that."
I've worked hard all my life and have never been in a position to drop $10,000 on a fancy trip somewhere. I don't begrudge DH and BM all their nice trips (well, maybe I do }:) ), but I do wish I didn't have to go to DH's parents' house every other Sunday and possibly have to sit and listen to that crap.
I may not be June Cleaver, but dammit, I've written a book! Let's see BM do THAT!
This reminds me of the drama
This reminds me of the drama with my grandparents. They did not like my SM, my BM cheated on my Dad, they separated, Dad started seeing SM but SM had 4 kids, one of them with severe health issues that meant SM couldnt work (well not FT, she did do PT). My grandparents then decided she must be a gold digger, she was called gold digger for ages, referred to and introduced to other relatives as dads "fling". Yeah you read it right, how she managed to keep her temper I have no idea.
They would call her my BMs name and even the name of a GF when my dad was in his teens. They were really terrible with her.
For some reason, to this day I dont understand she and/or dad never snapped for it until the day they attacked her about me. It was a day they had collected me from BMs on the way to visit the grandparents, BM knew and I was not dressed nicely, dirty clothes, unbrushed hair, pumped on sweets and fizzy drinks that made me car sick on the way so yes in compared to her children who were as usual neat and tidy I looked terrible.
Long story short they had it out, followed by little contact for the next year or so. Eventually things got better there and now for whatever reason my SM tolerates them and gets on ok with them.
On the other side my grandfather (BMs father) would often talk about my dad infront of me, BM and SF. He would compare SF and dad, similar thing but it would be DIY skill not cake decorating. At one point conversations came round to; look but i dont like xyz and he told them to basically pull their heads out their backsides and he was merely stating information as fact.
Its irritating but as people have said before, pick your battles, if it genuinely upsets you and gets excessive then bring it up. If its one of those things that only get to you when you are feeling low then let it go.