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Update to "Family Therapy" -They don't know why they are here?

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Fri, 04/08/2022 - 10:47am

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*Update* So it finally happened. My SD18 and DH agreed to go to family therapy due to SD18's bipolar moods. I was so relieved that they both showed up on time for the appointment. We sat down with the therapist and she asked "So, SD, do you know why you all are here?" SD says "No, I don't really know." ( I am mildly surprised at this, since she told us why she would want to go.) Then therapist asks DH same question. He says "Um. No, I have no idea." I looked at him with raised eyebrows. The therapist caught on pretty fast to our body language so she asked me. I told her "SD is only at our house 4 days a month and during about half that time she is very angry, sad, withdrawn, and shut down. I would like to see her enjoy being a young, carefree 18 year old, and be able to tell us what she did last week over dinner. Right now when we ask, she says 'its none of your business!' It is very stressful for all of us, but nothing we do seems to help."  

So, I was trying to be very diplomatic and not hurt anyone's feelings, but still tell the truth. DH put on this wierd, folksy, super lovey dovey dad routine - cracking jokes, etc - actling clueless. Then DH surprised both of us and started sharing how she really feels. She says in her mind, she is dealing with so much stress that anything new puts her into shutdown mode. It came out from her that BM's family puts a lot of pressure on her because she doesn't have a job, drive a car, etc. DH seemed oddly disjointed during all this, seeming to try to ignore/gloss over what SD said. I tried to back her up, validating what she is saying. Therapist did a good job of drawing her out and supporting her. Wow. I was hoping that being in this setting would let SD open up, without her dad shutting her down, and it worked! I am so happy that we are finally moving forward as a family. I think it was kind of funny that DH tried to claim he didn't know that he was paying for his daughters therapy. He looked at me like I was going to pay for it. I said no, break that dusty wallet open, buddy. LOL. He seemed calm and happy on the way home, though. Let's hope we can keep this going until we work it out.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 04/08/2022 - 11:09am

Great news! I'm so glad your SD decided to open up. Here's hoping she'll feel comfortable and safe enough there to continue. 

Please Gibbs-slap your DH for me and tell him to knock it off. You're not there to entertain the therapist and pretend that everything is hunky-dory. You're there to find solutions to existing problems and to make home life better and happier for all. Maybe if you point out to him that the more he puts on his act, the harder the therapist's job will be and the more sessions will be required for optimum results. In other words, the more he puts on his routine rather than actually participating in the sessions, the more it will cost him in the long run.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 04/08/2022 - 11:26am

I'm guessing DH feels protective toward SD.  Nothing is wrong here!  Everything is great!   SD doesnt have any problems!   Because if anything was wrong, it might be his fault because of the divorce.  

He's obviously overlooking what's best for SD, some therapy to address her issues.  Good for you for seeing clearly.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Fri, 04/08/2022 - 11:53am

OMG - my DH does this with YSD ALL the time. He gets this goofy character going and it's really annoying - I can see that YSD is annoyed too oftentimes. It's NOT DH and it's an act and it's painful to watch. It goes hand in hand with his lack of ability to be straightforward with her and just talk with her like a person or be the strong parental figure she likely needs.

Good for you - now hope this is an onging thing not a one time appointment.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 04/08/2022 - 12:56pm

This kid obviously needs the therapy.  Hopefully the therapist will jerk a knot in your DH's tail so he gets his head out of ass and recovers from what is apparently an extended bout with Cranio-Rectitis.

Well done driving the therapy step.

Peace to you and your family.

lala-land's picture

Submitted by lala-land on Sun, 04/10/2022 - 8:24am

Madam,  Don't you just love it, when you bring in help,for a situation and suddenly everyone but the SM doesn't know why they are there.  That's the fun way of saying the only person in the room with a problem is the SM. And even better, since it is the SM with problems and the rest of the participants are just fine, SM should pay for the help.  You deserve so much better than being tossed under that bus.  I hope that the therapist saw through that charade but your DH needs to be fully aware that he did you and his daughter a major disservice.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 04/10/2022 - 11:37am

Then family therapy is not going to work at all. She has no control over her moods.  She needs to get help for her bipolar first, get that in check.  You need help understand SD, and your reaction to her.  Only then you as a family can work things out 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 04/12/2022 - 8:07am

In some ways this is true... if she truly has mental health issues that impact her mood.. then she needs help for that.

However, that doesn't mean that family therapy may not be able to be helpful for everyone to live together more harmoniously.  Being sad or depressed shouldn't mean that SD is allowed to treat others poorly.. she can be withdrawn.. but she must still be civil.  And.. others in the home need to allow SD to be sad.. as long as  she isn't "inflicting the sadness" on the household.  It's ok to say.. "I know you aren't feeling very happy today.. and if you want to just hang out in your room.. that's fine.. but if you want to be with the rest of us.. you need to treat others nicely".  

She may not be able to change how she feels in the moment.. and you or her dad wanting her to be "happy".. and "cheer up" isn't always going to be something she is able to do.. so it's ok for her to be sad.. but not ok for her to be rude. and that's the kind of thing the therapist can help the family understand.

Not putting pressure on SD when she already is feeling overwhelmed may be what has to happen while SD works on her own self improvement with the therapist.