Ughhhh...here we go AGAIN. HELP.

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So, DH just called to check on me, which I was fine with because I am starting to have some complications with my pregnancy and wanted someone to talk to.

But HE turned the convo around and made it ALL about him again.

Goes and says "I'm such a piece. I don't know what strength is anymore. I won't get to see you or our son for months after he's born. I lost (SD) for good." (She's back with BM now) blah blah blah...

And I told him, if he works hard to change his behavior, then he could possibly have me and BS back in the picture. I say "just keep focusing on the future, what's done is done."

THEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

He starts saying "there's no reason to wake up anymore"

and this is literally how the rest of the convo went:

Me: We just have to keep moving forward if we plan on getting anywhere. You already lost (SD), and you're going to lose me and BS if you keep talking the way you are. My son deserves his dad in his life BUT you act like you want nothing to do with him.

Him: My daughter deserves to be with her father, you always forgot about her and make no effort to make her a part of "our" life . I don't even have the focus anymore my focus is all on what I'm losing and not gaining yet no matter how much I announce it you can't see it...as long as she's gone this "family" will never be complete. I refuse to call it family when the heart of it all is missing.

:sick:

Me: I can't control what the courts decide. I can't control what her mom does and she's not old old enough to decide for herself yet. I have no control over what happens to her, I've told you time and time again I am not her bio parent. What I would want makes no difference when it comes down to the legality of it all. I have ABSOLUTELY. NO. PART. OF. THE. SITUATION. But I do have 100% control over what happens between you, me, and our son.

Him: Well I lose her and I lose all control over myself and don't have the will to carry on...if you wanna see me fall go ahead. There's nothing I can do about it...

Me: (After about 20 eye rolls and loooong sighs) I don't want to watch you fall. But you're choosing to. You can't be upset over things you can't control.

Him: Well once BS is fine and healthy let me raise him alone and you'll understand where I'm coming from and what true pain really feels like...the literal meaning of having your heart ripped out of your chest.

This pissed me right the fuck off so I said:

Me: "WHY would I do that? You know I fought to be in your life and I'd fight to keep you, me and our son together. WHY would I let you raise him alone, this is MY son! I'd do ANYTHING for him! I'm not your ex, sorry your past worked out the way it did but you choose to write off this life WE could have PURELY based off of your past."

Him: My past is my future it's called my daughter!!!!!

Me: Well I can't do anything about it. And apparently neither can you. But if you want to write off even more of your future because of something even YOU can't control, then that's pretty sad.

Him: I'm not writing off anything. I'm so lost right now.

I'm so fucking done. He IS writing me and his son off, he's been doing it 99% of the time this ENTIRE pregnancy. It's ALWAYS going to be about SD. No matter if me OR his son is in the picture. He doesdn't care about anyone if SD isn't in the picture. I don't want my son's life and connection with his dad to revolve around the fact that his half sister isn't in the picture because of the courts and her own mother. But guess what, it will. He's not even born yet and he's already been written off no matter how much DH says he's not writing anyone off.

I'm at a loss for words, is there more I should be saying to this thick-headed mo.....guys.....

Sorry for the long post but what should I say back, if anything. Please? It's late I'm hormonal and tired and it's getting closer to my due date and I have my own complications now with the pregnancy and I could just cry.

I seriously just wish I would

I seriously just wish I would have never gotten married at that pregnant with a man who has a kid. Let alone with an active BM.

Why.

Why, why, why, why, why.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't know why I didn't think about all of this ahead of time, what the hell? Did I think this was going to be an episode of Brady Bunch or what?

PLUS he said "All I wanted was for her to have both her mom and dad."

YEAH???? SO WHAT, YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO GIVE YOUR SON A LIFE WITH HIS MOM AND DAD TOGETHER YET YOU CHOOSE TO JUST THROW THAT AWAY IT LOOKS LIKE??

omg.

...EXCUSE ME WHILE I SIGN DIVORCE PAPERS.

I don't have any advice, I'm

I don't have any advice, I'm afraid. I just want to offer you ((HUGS)). I'm sorry you're going through this.
Wait, I do have some advice! You take it easy and focus on yourself and your son. With all due respect, your husband is being a dick, and you don't need to deal with that right now, especially if you're having complications. I hope it's nothing too serious.
Take care of yourself

Nikki, I am afraid he tries

Nikki, I am afraid he tries to play mind games with you!Until he really gets his act together and starts to realise that he can improve the situation there is not a lot you can do .He needs to stop being a victim and start being a man and a father for his little baby, too.This is not all about SD and the role he can or can not play in her life- he totally identifies himself about it and NOTHING else seems to matter.Very sick.I would be hurt as well- what a nutcase.

'yahtzee' and

'yahtzee' and 'oncechoosetosmile' have it nailed. He prefers the victim "pity me" route to really doing anything about his situation and I think you should do the same as '...smile' did. You're separated from him and I would leave it that way until he becomes enough of a father to warrant your trust.

Frankly these kids that manipulate their parents by leaving them like this are not worth trying to get back as the attempts just motivate them and give them more power to wield over their parent. It's a shameful thing to watch, a 14yo kid telling the parent what to do. Until he can control himself enough to walk away from that kid he'll never make a father worth keeping.

Going through with the divorce filing may just be the shock he needs. Or it may drive him further into the pity glass. Be prepared for both.

Would you be ok with only

Would you be ok with only seeing your daughter during the summer time?

OP's husband is crazy, but I can understand how he feels. I would have lost it if I only had my son during the summers.

THIS

He's not losing custody,

He's not losing custody, chances are that girl is going to wind up right back in our home.

And yes he's allowed to be devastated but acting like I'm to blame for it all along with writing everyone else off is not okay to me!

In my experience, most men

In my experience, most men aren't OK with it, but settle due to distance and/or fear.

Clearly the man wants to have a hand in raising his daughter, he really can't do that when he only has her for the summer.

I think the man is a colossal ass for the way he treats the OP, but that doesn't mean his feelings aren't valid.

THIS ^^^ YOU MADE YOUR BED,

THIS ^^^

YOU MADE YOUR BED, SO SLEEP IN IT.

There's nothing I can do for him, he can either focus on what he's "losing" or be happy with what he is gaining. He doesn't have to be on the extreme end of either stick, after all he is the father to BOTH children. But to say things that put me to blame or being mad at me for not being upset over "losing" a child that isn't even mine is ridiculous. Let alone ALWAYS making me feel like me and our child mean nothing.

exactly!!

Maybe you're right, I'm not

Maybe you're right, I'm not being as understanding as I should and I SHOULD be his shoulder to cry on, but he's treated me like such dirt these past 9 months all because SD was in the picture. Every day that she was with us I was pretty much written off and every day she wasn't all I heard all day long was "I can't wait to have my babygirl back, I miss my babygirl" blah, blah, blah yet when she would come back ALL the parenting duties were dumped on me. And when I tried to have a talk about how he wasn't acknowledging me and the baby he didn't care, the conversation became ALL about SD again. Everytime, that's always how it'll go. Her mom has had her screw ups but so has he, and now her mom is trying to become an active part of SD's life and he's being nothing but selfish. I have not once wanted to play SD's mother like he's been forcing me to this whole time and I don't love her the way he was forcing me to either. I made absolutely no effort to connect with her because he made no effort to do anything that I asked for. He can do all the mourning he wants. But I know how this will go. He'll end up getting her back one way or another. Life is ALWAYS going to revolve around "daddy's girl". I'm always going to be the bad guy because I refuse to have anything to do with her. He can definitely mourn. But he better not expect me to mourn with him.

You cannot save this guy.

You cannot save this guy. Please take care of yourself and keep your focus where it needs to be...on you and your baby.

He needs therapy. Seriously. Either that or he is very emotionally manipulative. Either way, he needs therapy. He also needs a strong slap into reality that life is not all about SD or his feelings! He is projecting when he bitches about you not wanting to hear about SD. Because, in reality, he wants to be left to focus solely on her and not have to worry about his pregnant wife and yet to be born son.

Idiot.

Advice #1: STOP giving him

Advice #1: STOP giving him any indication that there might be a possible sliver of a chance.

Yes, he is playing head games, but you are participating.

Walk away, make a great life for you and your child.

Thanks for the comments guys.

Yes the whole SD being the "heart of our family" thing hurt. She's not even my child, I don't consider her the heart of my anything.

But being as far away as I am at the moment it is a lot easier to ignore his "woe is me, I'm the victim" habits. I'll be avoiding contact from now on.

I get it, some of you would be upset if you were in his shoes about the whole losing her thing but regardless, that's not my problem. He should have never even bothered getting someone pregnant if 1. They were never a serious couple and 2. If he thought so fucking highly of his child the way he does and "just wanted her to have her mom and dad".

If I actually enjoyed the way I was treated when SD was around, I would possibly feel sorry for him. But even if I did, I wouldn't be going to court to fight BM for her child. The courts don't give a shit that I exist either. My opinion wouldn't matter either way. I have NO control over his situation with those 2. But I do have control over what could happen between me, him, and our son.

But seeing as he doesn't give a shit about us unless his little princess is in the picture, then frankly I don't really care about what happens to SD period.

If he can't be a man and take care of the rest of his family without SD holding his hand like a little mini-wife then that's pretty sad. He doesn't realize he CHOSE to have 2 kids. If he didn't, he would have wrapped it twice with SD's mom and he wouldn't have been begging me for a son the past 2 years. If he didn't want a wife then why did he ask me to marry him. This whole situation just bothers me to no end. He really does need therapy or SOMETHING.

And thanks for the well wishes you guys. What's going on with me and baby is another reason that I can't be bothered to deal with him and a kid that's not even mine at the moment. Too many issues and worries of my own. I'm just going to have to cut off communication from this point forward though.

He did! But apparently

He did!

But apparently "That's not how a family works. There is no separation between parents and children, Everyone in the picture is a unit. When you married me, you married my daughter. I am who I am BECAUSE of her."

....shall I continue? :sick:

I just don't understand why

I just don't understand why DH can't just accept that this a consequence of what he's done (shoulda kept in your pants, buddy). He can't do anything about it now, but try to work visitation times out with BM. And move on with the other life he's created for himself. Things are never going to be in his favor because he doesn't think realistically. He wants BM out of the picture and SD all to himself. But that's just not how it's going to go. Ever. Just like how I wanted DH to myself and SD out of the picture. It's just not realistic. But my focus is being redirected now. Let SD go live with her mother and suck it up. What the court says goes. When she's old enough to speak for herself, and if she wants to come live with us then because her mom turns out to be a joke then by all means, I'll be ok with that. But for now he needs to wrap his head around the fact that while she's this young, he is going to have to share. There's just no way around it.

So instead of focusing on something that can't be changed, I wish he'd redirect his focus on to something that he WOULD have control over. He could have his other child living in his home with him full time, and a wife. He wouldn't have to worry about custody and court issues with me and our son if he'd just accept that whatever happens to SD and BM just is what it is.

I'm sitting here trying to throw a chance at a new life with him but he won't let go of the past!

grrrrrr, he is such an IDIOT

:sick: grrrrrr, he is such an IDIOT

I'm so sorry you're having

I'm so sorry you're having pregnancy complications! I hope it's nothing serious and that you and Little Man continue to do wonderfully.

I think "no contact" is a good plan. From everything you've posted here and previously, I firmly believe your soon-to-be-ex-husband is the male version of the Psycho BM. And all I can hope for you is that he keeps his crazy focused on SD and her mom and leaves you and your son the hell alone. As sad as it is, your son will be better off if his father doesn't "love" him the way he "loves" SD - because that kind of "love" will completely screw a child up. He doesn't even see the kid as her own person, she's just a mechanism for him to play Daddy and get attention and Facebook likes. He has no interest in the actual WORK of parenting (that was left to you and his mother) or in knowing the person his daughter could become - his only interest is in how his kid can make him look, what attention he can get, what's in it for him. I feel badly for his daughter, and thank GOD your son has you to protect him!

"He doesn't even see the kid

"He doesn't even see the kid as her own person, she's just a mechanism for him to play Daddy and get attention and Facebook likes. He has no interest in the actual WORK of parenting (that was left to you and his mother) or in knowing the person his daughter could become - his only interest is in how his kid can make him look, what attention he can get, what's in it for him."

^^^^^^^^^This.

I swear he does it just to try to "prove" some type of point. Some type of PRIDE he's gotten from "doing it all alone and not needing help" and blah blah blah. But if he was as good of a father as he makes himself out to be, he'd swallow his pride, accept the fact that he's NEVER going to get what he wants when it comes down to SD and BM, and just carry on his so-called "amazing fathering capabilities" with his other child now. What's done is done when it comes to his past IMO. Whatever he's "done" is irrelevant. Life is ALWAYS going to keep moving forward and the courts are NEVER going to give him OR BM full custody, so in my eyes instead of going "woe is me, I have nothing to live for" he should MAN THE FUCK UP, continue with the GOOD LIFE BEING OFFERED TO HIM, and take the other stuff as it comes!

I'm just so pissed off because I would be handling things differently if I were in his shoes.

Yes, I would be upset that I don't get to see my kid for months at a time, but whose fault would that be? Obviously mine. I wouldn't try to blame it on anyone else like he does. And if I had a new spouse and child on the way, I would do everything I could to keep us together, that way the cycle wouldn't have a chance of repeating.

This is fucked. I would have never thought my marriage would have been something I'd regret. Apparently my expectations were way to high, and I have been given nothing but empty promises.

I really hope he doesn't have

I really hope he doesn't have any more children. They will always have to compete with their older sister for his love, praise.....

I think he's got some serious

I think he's got some serious mental issues going on. I wouldn't be surprised if soon he starts the "I have nothing left to live for" speeches.

You did the right thing. The best you can do for your baby right now is keep your distance. This man is obsessed with his daughter. Every father should love their child, but not to the extent that his pregnant wife gets booted to the couch. That's f'ing sick.

I wouldn't let him near the new baby when he arrives, he might decide this little boy is his new focus. :X

I hope your complications aren't serious and the last few weeks of your pregnancy aren't stressed by this asshat.

NO! HE HAS ALREADY! lol he

NO! HE HAS ALREADY! lol he seriously posted "no longer have the will to live" after all that crap. Of course everyone has pity and babies him. But I wasn't one of them lmao.

But like both my mom and MIL said to me, my problems will follow me wherever I go. I either need to go back in December and work things out or stay here and cut a clean break right now. But for now I'm not doing anything but focusing on getting my son born safely first.

And thanks, I'm having heart complications due to something I was born with that are being monitored 3 times a week for now so he might have to be born early. Sucks.

Husbands are supposed to be there for you when you need them, not make situations worse.

You are here

Ughhhh...here we go AGAIN. HELP.