This sounds similar to my deal. BM is unstable. Is fine for a while and then blows up into a blizzard of unreasonableness. Makes wacky demands. And then SO accomodates. And we're all expected to pretend that her sh*tshow never happened. 

The only thing that is different about my deal is that she doesn't send crazy chit chat stuff. And it sounds like there are different types of mental illness going on. 

The only way I can square this in my head is that I never lived with the cow and 

1) he's conditioned through years of abuse to give in (I get it - I was in an abusive relationship, too)

2) he knows which areas are likely to push her buttons and strategically gives in.

Of course BM is the innocent in all this and she has no apparent recollection of her previous breakdowns so we all have to pretend that everything is A-OK when she's being in reasonable mode.

Dealing with the actively mentally ill or personality disordered is hard. I try to have sympathy for my SO and remember all the times he's supported me when my ex (who also has mental heath issues) or supported me (I have mild anxiety and have had severe depression in the past).

So - no advice - just an acknowledgement that this is hard in practice and hard to get your head around. 

Yeah, she sounds personality disordered.  DH IS doing too much placating, it's not his job anymore, she's not his wife. And he may think he's helping his son, but he's not - he's just showing his son that everyone has to drop everything to comfort BM and make her happy, and no one calls her on the crap she does.  He's reinforcing the idea that BM is an innocent victim and everyone has to take care of her.

The correct thing to do would be for him to go get his son when she says to come get him, and to not take him back until BM demonstrates she is stable, WITHOUT DH having to comfort her and have family meetings, etc.

Will she turn from a helpless waif into a screaming shrew if he does that? Yes, she sure will. But he can't continue this pattern of enabling BM to mistreat SS and get away with it.  Women like this hold people hostage with their so-called "helplessness", but they aren't helpless AT ALL.  In fact, they are quite powerful.

It's fine to be amicable - but he needs to have some boundaries.

Literally 5 mins later she is calling again for DH to come get him cause she cant deal and SS "betrayed her" by telling DH what goes on at her house.

This was a ridiculous reason to call and was not a valid reason for your husband to go get his son, he should not have gone over, at all.

And this is why we now only use Our Family Wizard for all communication. The incessant texting, calling, all with nonsense and most of it nasty, toxic garbage. Enough is enough. Ignore the whore, block her from calling, tell her all communication will be on email. If that doesn't work, ask the court for all communication to go through Our Family Wizard, where it WILL be documented by the court and your DH won't even have to worry about monitoring anything because it's done for him.

Your H needs to grow a pair and stand strong with firm boundaries instead of allowing a crazy person hold him and the skids hostage. He's doing his kids a big disservice by catering to the crazy instead of taking steps to protect them from it.

Have you been documenting BM's nonsense and erratic behavior? Screenshots of texts and a calendar of incidents?

She doesn’t message hubby directly, has sd23 forward her message, hubby ignores it and doesn’t respond to it, its just bullshit anyways and if hubby responds to it negatively because its just crap, sd sees it and she’s intentionally being brought central in bio mummy issues when she should be kept out of it but she’s so brainwashed that she sees this as perfectly normal instead of telling bio mum to grow the fu*k up.

other than that bio mum has hubbys sil report to her, or bio will call up hubbys eldest sister hysterical on the phone bitching about nonsense of hubby etc. She gets people to do her dirty work for her or does everything she can to tarnish hubbys image. People just get pissed off with her as she’s so petty. 

Seriously woman, grow the f*ck up!! Your husband divorced you 10 yrs ago, you bragged how happy and in demand you are married 10 yrs to hubby #2 but you’re so focussed on exhubby and his wife now.... ??

so best thing is zone it out... it becomes a headache when you care enough to respond. People like this don’t deserve your time and response

whats hilarious is exwife saying she needs to vent to exhubby as she has noone. Yup you guys split because there was a problem with you, you lost the right to exhubbys companionship when you divorced. Only current wife gets his companionship

UGH. This is my situation as well. I swear I don't understand and don't think I ever will.

Anytime BM causes a shit storm of drama, even if directed and affecting her children.......my DH acts like he's all mad at her and he's all stressed and worried....then BOOM the next day BM acts normal and DH acts like the shit storm never happend and almost elated that BM is acting normal. It is maddening......and then he's giving into her every demand. Lunatics man!!!

Sorry you are going through this and I can understand how you feel!! 

She sounds a lot like my husbands crazy ex-wife and it has gone on for years!!!!!!!!  The kids are adults now  and we really should be done with it and her!!

Bottom line is this is NOT normal behavior for any adult person, I don't care what the circumstances are normal people do not respond that way!!!   She sounds as though she has some issues that she needs to have addressed with a Psychiatrist.  Your husband needs to address her issues with his lawyer and family court.  Neither of you have to tolerate these crazy outbursts and, the longer it goes on the more accepted the behavior is!!  The end result it gets worse never better!!

I would talk with our husband about his options with family court!!  Her craziness does not have to spill over into our household just because they had kids together!!