Time to walk away?
My OH has been promising to get on top of discipline with SS7, for about a year now. It gradually came to a head a few weeks ago when SS told BM that I made SS entertain mine & OH's baby - which is a load of crap - resulting in SS not being able to stay over when I may have to look after him. He got away with telling this lie due to OH and BM not wanting to upset the poor baby - even though he admitted to lying.
Today, OH was watching a film with him when SS started sliding all over and off the arms of the couch, told him not to then when SS ignored him, let him carry on with it. I then told him off and got attitude, which was also ignored by OH. I've really got angry.
If it was just a one off incident, maybe he would be justified in saying I'm over reacting by getting mad at him for saying stop and then letting him carry on, but he's admitted that he's scared of disciplining SS in case he stops liking him! He is ok to discipline our DD of 9 months though! He raises his voice to her...
Is this a common thing? I'm at the end of my tether and am thinking of ending the relationship as I cannot cope with this boy getting away with murder anymore. He's disrespectful of my home, my cats, my DD, me. I get nasty texts from OH's mother interfering about SS and DD, saying I pick on SS, when I most certainly don't. I have BM calling me nasty names to OH, who never stands up for me.
How much do you have to take before enough is enough?
You have put that all
You have put that all beautifully and I agree with every word.
I've told him that I won't have our daughter bought up with no discipline, I have 3 grown children from my ex marriage and they were all bought up to respect people and their possessions. Our DD will have the same - but how resentful will she be watching SS get away with everything whilst Daddy tells her off?!
Unfortunately, I have been through exactly what you have said, so many times with him and he just isn't getting it. I really am losing the will to continue. Every time we get somewhere, next day his son will come round and it'll start again. I won't go out for a meal with SS because he's rude to waiting staff, gets miserable and cries because he doesn't like eating. He never gets told off for being rude to them, just more treats - no consequences.
I'm not sure I can continue with this any longer. Not to mention the fact that he just slated me on Facebook to all his family, due to me telling him that if his son grows up unruly and stabs him, he'll have no one to blame but himself! I deleted him and his family off there as I take enough abuse from them. I may well copy your post and let him read it. Thank you.
OMG - the food thing!!! That
OMG - the food thing!!!
That is my SS too. I first came into his life when he was 7. He had NEVER used a knife and fork.
He ate chicken nuggets, up'n'go for breakfast, nutella on a bread roll, that's about it really.
He is marginally better now at 10, he will eat more - but Dadddyyyy still has to cut the ends off his sausages... He cannot behave in public.
Even BM has issues with him, he is in counselling for his aggression, lying and stealing.
This one barely ate a thing
This one barely ate a thing for about a year, until I pointed out that he wouldn't eat a damn thing I gave him. Then he wouldn't eat for his dad. He must have lost 2 stone and was malnourished (in my opinion). We actually made him eat but taking him out is a nightmare.I've just read your blogs (or some bits), very interesting. Your SD sounds like a nightmare and you are right, he's only 7 right now but he will get like that.
His mother thinks he's the blue eyed boy and never disciplines him. He still poohs his pants every day for attention. He used to pee himself, but he advanced... Of course it's acceptable for me to clean his shitty pants, but not for OH to discipline him!
I agree whole heartedly. My
I agree whole heartedly. My OH plays a good show to the outside world but underneath it the boy often comes round in 3/4 length trousers for children aged 4/5, socks that are way too small and unpaired, pooey pants. One day he came round with no socks or pants and he'd soiled his trousers. He was bathed and spotless one night, wearing a onesie. Next morning he had pooh down his legs and up his back!
His mother never took control of his eating or bowel problems. OH is just as guilty as it took me pushing him to deal with it.
He tells me how intelligent SS is, when he's clearly behind for his age and can barely do simple arithmetic and doesn't understand simple questions. OH is taking him to the GP as we believe that he may have Dyspraxia or something similar - which BM hasn't even got a clue about. She sticks him on the electronic baby sitter or in front of Nickelodeon and leaves him to get on with it.
Read my blogs. Your SS will
Read my blogs.
Your SS will become my SS/SD in a few years time if he is not checked now.
My OH and I split up yesterday - because I found my line in the sand. His son threw a punch at my 11 yo daughters face - he pulled it at the last second so it didn't connect but then was threatening and standing over her.
OH's idea of dealing with this? "Come on champ lets go shoot some hoops, now I know dd11 is very annoying but no matter now angry she makes you don't hit her!" Head ruffle "now lets play ball!"
Strangely enough I was not ok with this.
As punkin said - kids NEED discipline - that is not punishment it's discipline - it's boundaries and consequences and rules to follow. Good behaviour = good consequences; bad behaviour = bad consequences. My ex OH also babies his kids, at 11 years old the boy does not know that milk is in the fridge, or how to make toast, daddy cleans his room and packs his bag. Both kids lie, cheat and steal. Both are failing at school.
My dd's are both excelling at school, they have after school activities which they do really well in, they are generally good, well mannered kids. Of course they act up, more so since we all moved in together and they have had the influence of OH's kids....
MY SS has also lied to his mother (constantly) about what happens here, how I abuse him etc, she's a troll and he feeds her what she wants to hear. She also calls me names (whore being the main one but she did call me an "effing see you next Tuesday" once in front of ALL four kids - hers and mine. Nothing is ever said. I told SS after the punch incident on Saturday that if he ever attempted to punch one of my daughters again I would fucking hit him myself. And I am the worlds worst person for swearing at the kid???
Honestly, my ex OH is a wonderful, loving, sweet and thoughtful guy when things are good. When they aren't - which is usually when there is an issue with one of his spawn - he is hell on wheels. He also is a guilty daddy, he doesn't want the kids to hate him and stop coming over - so no rules, discipline or punishments ever. Hopefully yours is more reasonable than mine is. Ask him what he thinks he is raising. The usual answer is a child. NO. You are raising a future adult, he is already a child - your job is to teach him to be an adult - the rules and lessons he needs in order to be a decent, moral, functioning human being. My OH couldn't manage that, he'd rather baby them and be their buddy.
Yes it is very common and
Yes it is very common and rarely do women consider it when dealing with their children. First they have custody and the courts are reluctant to take it away from them, custody that is. Second their children rarely express a desire to leave their mother - the bond is too great.
It take a well based man who will risk hearing the words "I don't want to see you anymore". It takes a man with a solid foundation who knows that he must make a man out of his son regardless of the circumstances and many fail. But not all.
Go to the Amazon.com page I've linked below and browse for the books regarding non-custodial fathers - there are at least three I saw and undoubtedly others. Buy him at least one - check the reviews from people who have bought them. Don't be cheap your marriage is at stake.
If he simply can't realize that he's not doing his kid any good the way he's acting then you'll have to do what you think is in your best interest but I sure hate to see another kid the product of a "broken home" as it was called in my day.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_18/177-1251043-2272813?url=sear...
Thank you for those. I guess
Thank you for those. I guess it's worth trying? I'm just so damn tired of fighting now.
I've considered counselling as well? May be worth a trip to the GP?
It doesn't help that my OH was bought up with no rules at all and that BM had no clue how to bring up her 2 children and that's who he got his parenting skills from.
I'm fighting the tide, but will buy the books for sure, thanks again.
I'm glad you're willing to
I'm glad you're willing to put in the effort - so many women here tell people to just toss in the towel. Its worth the effort for your mutual kids sake if for no other reason. It's enlightening to know that he was raised in such an atmosphere which tells me there is hope since his only problem may be ignorance not laziness or stubbornness.
I've often seen people, including my wife and myself who don't think their spouse has the answer but will bow to outside authority such as the book(s) you're going to purchase. Of course counseling - go alone if he won't go - often after a few sessions he'll tag along just to see what its all about.
I agree on the ignorance - he
I agree on the ignorance - he let his son, at 4 years old, run his own bath, bath himself, get dressed and put himself to bed. I was quite shocked and he certainly doesn't do that now. My OH's mother knew this was happening and didn't guide him either.
When I have bought up information on consequences, manipulative children etc on the internet, he's always read it with interest and seen that my parenting skills are fairly standard, but then reverted back to his old opinions fairly quickly. I fell like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I'll get the books and go to the GP about counselling and parenting classes. This is truly the last shot though, if things don't change after that, then I don't think there's any hope.
I am not a proponant of
I am not a proponant of allowing anyone external to the marriage to influence it including Xs or children. That said, I think your DH needs clarity that he needs to step up and discipline his kid before you have too. More importantly BM has no say in anything that goes on in your home what so ever including disciplining of SS-7 in YOUR home and in YOUR family.
A clarity message for your DH would be "If you do not discipline YOUR spawn (SS-7) then you do not discipline MY daughter. PERIOD!!! You want to play daddy with our daughter then you step up and play daddy with her elder brother too. Otherwise, you sit, you STFU and I do all of the discipline in the way I see fit whether you like it or not. And you better get your XW under control and give her clarity that she has no say about what goes on in our home at all. She does not even get an opinion. If she makes the mistake of opening her toxic non parenting mouth again regarding discipline of children in our home then you better shut her up or I will."
That is how I would deal with this since your DH seems to not be engaging as a husband or father within your marriage and home.
One thing to do immediately is cut off all communication to or from BM. If she wants to bitch, let her bitch at your DH. That might get him to reach between his legs, grap a big ole handfull of sack and man up with his BM and his son.
As for walking away, nope. If it comes to ending the marriage then re-key the locks and boot DH and SS out to fend for themselves. Don't forget to nail his ass to the wall for a pile of CS if he forces your hand.
Good luck.
That made me laugh! Sorry! I
That made me laugh! Sorry!
I have told him quite specifically today that we are going to counselling and he is going to parenting classes or it's over. Yes, he will be the one leaving as well!
He does need to man up, but the interference, if from anyone is MIL. She's a shit stirring, nasty cow, with zero parenting skills and a soft spot for the SS to be honest...
I can barely look SS in the
I can barely look SS in the eye anymore because of all the things that have happened. I'm just so resentful and I can barely look at his face because I just see nasty, manipulative child staring back at me. I know it's not SS's fault - he is, after all, the child, but it gets to the point where you start hating them and then hating yourself. For being that way.
He is a product of his mother and father - both of which haven't got the first clue about parenting. The fact that he's starved himself for a year, calls himself chubby (he did that yesterday and the kid is all skin and bone. Not an ounce of fat on him) because his mother & sister are on constant diets and not allowed to eat this that or the other because he'll get fat, says it all really. Wouldn't be so bad if it was about healthy eating but he won't eat vegetables or fruit anymore.
The honest truth is that I don't like him, and worse. The child comes over and brags about what his mum has that we haven't and how great his mum is, when in truth the woman is neglectful and damaging. He's the spitting image of the woman too - which really doesn't help my feelings towards him.
I am hoping that counselling will help me with these feelings of hatred towards him but I'm worried that just too much damage has been done now, even if he turns into perfect child. I'm extremely cold with him and one wrong move these days is enough to have me running for the hills before I turn into Medusa on his ass...
I know I'm wrong, but I cannot help the way I feel.
I'm glad that people
I'm glad that people understand me. My partner goes on constantly about how I'm not the person he met and how miserable I am. Last time I looked, none of my kids went to spit in his face, stop him getting near me, kicked his cat, called him names, lied about him, lied about our baby and much much more - on a constant basis.
How I still have my sanity, I sometimes wonder.
I thank everyone here for making me realise that I'm not going crazy as OH believes...
Thank you. Much
Thank you. Much appreciated.
Unfortunately it's difficult to focus on the positives because there are so very few. Just clinging on in the hope that therapy works, along with the other things. I have made him agree to reading the books discussed earlier.
He did talk to my Health Visitor, and again, I was told that I was doing the right things and he believed it and changed. But it was very brief. This is what worries me. His mother pulls the guilt trip on him every time she sees OH and SS together. Doesn't he look sad? He's always in tears when I see him these days? Seems every one is picking on him? You're really hard on him.
Then she proceeds to undermine any discipline he does do - then next day? Back to square one. He won't discipline anymore because she's pulled his guilt out. She is a MAJOR part of the problem.
Hopefully counselling and parenting classes will make him realise that his mother is damaging SS not making him happy...
SS treats MIL like something he stepped in and that's the truth...