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Therapy or counseling because of SKIDS??

Lunamoma's picture

Has anyone gone to counseling or therapy because of their step children? 

For any reason? Like how to deal with them or handle certain situations.

Lately I’ve been thinking about finding a family counselor or something. Being I have no kids of my own I just don’t know how to handle certain situations. And sometimes I don’t know how to process my emotions causing me to just shutdown. 

I guess I’m also looking for validation about my feelings. Why do I feel the way I do about my boyfriends kid? Why do I feel no connection with her? Etc etc etc. 

 

For those who have, what was the benefit for you? How did you like it? Any other thoughts or advice?

caitlinj's picture

Yes we went to counseling as a couple twice a month for 6 months mainly because of issues we were having with the stepkids and issues with my DH's anger. The stepkids were also having behavioral issues, we were having parenting differences, and their were boundary issues with the ex and MIL. It worked a little, at first, but eventually it was a lost cause. We quit going (DH's decision). I sincerley hope it works for you. In our case the stepkids wanted to break us up (I believe) and were very manipulative. Daddy refused to see it for what it was and would defend them til the end. Even though I had a good relationship with them, they wanted their dad to themselves and I was the odd one out. They did a lot of things that tested us and in the end we failed. It created a lot of drama and conflict. They won. They can have daddy to themselves now (until he meets someone else and they will inevitably destroy that relationship too). The thing that his kids do not realize is daddy needs someone to help pay his bills and mortgage. If they don't allow him to be happy, and to have a woman in his life, they will lose the house eventually and all end up living with grandma in a much smaller, older home. They won't like that too much because thier house now is very nice, big and new and their bedrooms are bigger than most people's master bedrooms.

tankh21's picture

I think we could be twins because I just started going to counseling with my DH because of the skids boundary issues with BM and MIL as well. I sorry things didn't work out for you. I am trying to see if we can work things out.

caitlinj's picture

Thank you. My dh also had issues with his anger as well and wasn’t being entirely open and honest in our sessions. He canceled our last one and wanted to quit going because of cost. Hopefully your situation is not the same as mine was.

Kes's picture

I have been in counselling with several different people - the longest was for about 2 yrs, and although I hadn't gone specifically about the SDs and NPD BM, there was a lot of airtime devoted to them, lets say!   

If you are contemplating some sort of therapy or counselling, I would really encourage you to have an initial exploratory session with 2 or 3 people (these are usually free) and then pick the one you feel most in tune with.  There are a lot of mediocre therapists out there.  I speak as an ex counsellor myself. 

Doublehelix's picture

My SD drove me to therapy lol Not necessarily her personally, but just having a stepkid in general, and not knowing how the heck to navigate this life.

I'll skip to the chase and tell you my therapist said all those things are normal feelings. Much of what she suggests is finding a bigger voice for myself so I feel like I have a more active role instead of just feeling lost and treading water having been thrown in this unfamiliar situation (ie blended family life).

Stapteverr's picture

I've not had it but i certainly need/ed it. SS is a perv who steals, lies and is asocial and SD was histrionic and covert narcissist. BM is /was a piece of work.

We couldn't afford counselling for me, but guess who got it free?? Yep, the perv, didn't help him, he had no intention of stopping anyways.

I was literally traumatised by his behaviour, my DH told our GP this and he agreed but it's big bucks for counselling or therapy and I guess the victims don't count. 

caitlinj's picture

Counseling didn’t do us much good. I might add I am so much happier and more at peace than I was when I was with dh but it took a few months to get to this place.His kids were the same way, they had issues. It only gets worse as they get older.  Correct me if I am wrong but maybe the reason you don’t have money for counseling because you are with a man who is draining you financially because of his kids? I’m sorry if I am incorrect. Forgive me if I am. 

Stapteverr's picture

No, it's actually because I have a chronic pain condition and have been unable to work. 

Once the perv moves out things will feel a lot better. I have about 4-6 months wait. I would dance if I could. 

caitlinj's picture

I’m sorry to hear that. I hope everything works out for you. I hope his son moves out for the sake of your own well being and peace. 

Jojab1636's picture

Yep - have been there consistantly for about 2 months - once a week at one time.  Lately it has been when we feel we need to bounce our feelings or ideas off on a third party before things explode between us.  Our problem was DH girls who are now 27 and 30 years old.  My DH and I have been together for 12 years (married 10, dated 2 years).  Things started out fine but I think the girls were/are so possesive of their dad that they felt like they were no longer his priority which led to severe insecurities.  Bottom line they did not want their Daddeee married.  The younger one in particular had issues dealing with our marriage - she was Daddess little girl.  Both girls did things to manipulate us and deceive him. They lied, they stole things from me, locked my children out of the house after school, they love playing the victim, constantly sat on Daddess lap when in public, VERY disprespectful  just to name a few issues. I think they felt "compeitition "with me and they were going to try and drive me out.  I had it with these two and we went to counseling.  I think it helped my husband. It helped that DH was open to the suggestions made and eventually saw what was going on.  That was huge.  However, what really helped is that the girls eventually showed their true colors to my husband all on their own.  It was their own doing and he saw it for himself -finally.  It took a while for him to believe me.  The counselor laid it out in black and white for my DH.  Basically, the girls worried about not being "his little princess's" anymore.  They felt that they were and should be the only priority when in the room with their Dad or anywhere.  They also had a poor role model in thier mother and she taught them how to be successful via subterfuge.  There was also a "failure to lauch" issue going on and my husband was very much a part of that issue.  We had a male counselor and I think my husband related very well to him.  When the 30 year old wrote a nasty, bitter hateful email to me and then my husband supported me on how wrong that was she went bolistic on him.  She said some very nasty things to him and the counselor shared with him that she was being emotionally and verbally abusive to both of us.  I thought it was helpful to hear that and my husband felt it was too.  I think my husband felt relieved to share ideas and frutstrations with him. It is imporant to find a counselor that works for you.  It helped me in that I was able to share my true feelings about my DH's selfish brats in a calm manner and how if this didn't get resolved I was leaving.  Even though I loved him I (and my boys) couldn't continue to be treated this way and I couldn't continue to "walk on egg shells" in my own home anymore.  A person can't live like that.

I wish you well, it is not cheap but a worth- while investment.  At least in the end (we both are committed to make this work) I know I was up front and honest and put the effort into the marriage. But the girls have made it very hard!!!!

caitlinj's picture

Wow that is terrible! I can relate all too well how the stepkids manipulate, lie, control and become extremely jealous. The only difference is my DH's kids were much younger so I empathized with them somewhat. I would just shrug it off and ignore it even though it was irritating. I dealt with it quite well all things considered. But it is something I do not miss now that we are no longer together. HIs daughter would lie and say I was mean to her when I wasn't just for the sake of getting attention. Most of the time it was just me telling her no that she could not do certian things so that was mean. He would take her side even though deep down he knew she was lying. I was nothing but nice to his kids even though they were not always nice to me. Yes I would correct them but nicely by telling them not to do certain things. I was always nice about it. They did not like to be corrected or told no and would cry if they were. So manipulative! I think he parented with guilt. I'm sure it would have gotten much worse the older they became because they saw they could get away with it. 

SteppedOut's picture

After I left formerSO, he thought *I should go to therapy so I could learn cope with his son's shitty behavior toward myself and our babyBS and move back with him and his horrible kid. 

LOL I had, prior to his suggestion and leaving, many times even, suggested his son go to therapy and/or be tested for his many issues. But of course "there is nothing wrong with my kid". 

I did not go to therapy, or move back. didn't need therapy. I needed to get myself and my baby out of that horrible situation, and I did. We are both FAR better off; emotionally and physical.