TGIF Vent
Just needed a safe place to vent my feelings...my SO's BM (ex wife) of his 18 & 21 yr old daughters will call fr time to time when she needs something and it is urgent (usually means $$$ above and beyond his child support and alimony which is $3,500.00/mth)...at that point if my SO does not call immediately back...she texts calls emails a slew of messages that he is not a good father and that his daughters hate him etc...my SO of course checks the message and doesn't respond if it doesn't have to do with his daughters and if it does he calls them directly and shuts the cell phone off. But when he calls to discuss college tuition - doctors etc...she never responds. Whatever it doesn't affect our lives. My issue is I noticed my SO a bit down and asked him was everything ok...he finally admitted he has been calling his youngest for over a week now and she won't answer the phone or reply to texts...it seems to be and I may be wrong and I can take it if I am...that the daughters are adopting the BM's ways...I don't get involved but it hurts me to see him down and this seems to be happening more and more...I saw a post about Dad's being treated like ATM's and that is how I feel...I have a adult son and a good relationship with his Dad his wife and their kids...so I try and see the situation from all sides....but when my son was younger if I called/texted and got no responses there would be a serious discussion and if he continued to act in this manner the cell phone would be shut off......when I grew up things like cell phones were a courtesy a gift not a rite! My SO is supposed to see the youngest this weekend and he is planning on giving her a good talking to...which I feel is useless and I think she is too much like the BM and her entitled attitude....Ok let me have it......
I won't let you have it...
I won't let you have it... because I deal with pretty much the same thing. It's difficult because the SK's live with their mom, and see their dad basically one day a week (and when they are here, they really aren't "here" - they're holed up in their bedroom playing computer games). They're mid-teens by the way.
I feel badly because they didn't even wish their father a Happy Father's Day, or Happy Birthday (I had no idea, this is something that came out in a discussion my DH and I had last weekend). On both of those days for him, best wishes were the first things out of my kids' mouths.
Also add into the mix that they believe if they completely ignore me, I will go away.
My DH said that he expected this would possibly happen. When the kids got older they would be more swayed by the BM's opinions (of us) and turn away from him. And I know my presence has a lot to do with it also. DH has decided it is what it is. He pays his child support as ordered, but not too much more than that. Both of us have taken the attitude that they are old enough to decide what is right and what is wrong, and if they've decided this is "right" for them, then there's no changing that. No sense going off the deep end trying to buy their love (note: DH tried that. Caused nothing but problems between the two of us, and didn't get him any more appreciation from them.)
It's sad when a child thinks they have the ability to make an adult grovel for their love/appreciation by constantly using terrorist tactics. After a while, negotiations cease.
OMG are his children related
OMG are his children related to my SO's? His 50th bday just passed and not a call/text/email nothing and when he saw them for his youngest 18th he admitted to me that he mentioned "thanks girls for the birthday wishes" they responded by giggling?!?!?!? My SO also admitted that he feels he will eventually lose the relationship with his daughters because they are measuring his love with $$$$ and as a side note I don't know about you but boy what I could have done with the amount he is paying monthly holy cow!!!!!I think he feels he is being manipulated and punished for leaving.....which mind you he did after about 3 years of the ex telling him to get out that she didn't want to be married anymore...I am at a loss for him...I can't even stand the mention of them any more...I know there are 3 sides to every story but how could it have gotten to this state....he does take 1/2 the blame saying he should have put an end to this type of behavior starting with his ex the first time it came up in their marriage but he didn't and now this is the result...he will not give more $$$ than he does as that would be impossible and he is not a millionaire....thank you for being kind with your words I do feel a bit better! Have a lovely day!
Thank you...he has def given
Thank you...he has def given financially and from what I see from the outside looking in consistently told them they are loved - he is there for them and reaches out - works with their schedules to accomodate them and keep the relationship going...they just seem to have a lot of resentment toward him for leaving...We def do enjoy our life together...these are harsh realities people...who ever thought it would be like this...I even to this day say to my son "talk to dad lately? how is he? etc etc.." I would feel if my son didn't respect his father that I didn't do my job to the best of my ability...so how things like this get this way are beyond my comprehension.....ugh
Two legally adult daughters.
Two legally adult daughters. Alamony - wow that's rare now-a-days I'm guessing your husband can well afford it even if its missed.
Remind him that he can buy attention but not love. My kids remember my taking them camping but not one present, cash or otherwise, they got. If he wants to make a stunning impression then after his talk with her he stops all attempts to communicate with her except when he responds to HER reaching out. It may be months or years but eventually she'll realize what she's missing. If not he won't have lost much.
Yeah alimony NJ great state
Yeah alimony NJ great state and perpetual (for life)...won't even go there...before the economy went down he made very good money right now not so much! He has another year to go before he can apply for a down-ward modification so right now things are touch to say the least!
I so agree with all you say OCC...I think and this is my opinion that since he is not living with them on a day to day basis they have drifted apart and their is resentment that he left, which I understand. So since she is at a "pull away" age in the best of circumstances, he feels that his giving was his only contact...it is horrible to watch take place for all parties involved. I so mirror what you say about the talk and impression afterward and do think she will realize and if not like you stated he hasn't lost much....my adult son was always given "things" but all he ever wanted was more one on one not sneakers not hockey skates etc....so I understand that!!!!!
Why the hell is he still
Why the hell is he still paying when they are over 18 and 21. I would see about taking that back to court, especially if he is not earning as much. Make BM get off her ass and work....Ugh!
In NJ you have to pay child
In NJ you have to pay child support until they reach emancipation...and since they are both are full time college students he is under state law to pay until 22...should they quit college - attend part time - join the armed forces - or get a job then it would cease...BM lol yeah right she claims she does work but can only do it part time...ya got me there again NJ courts wonderful she gets to have alimony and work it all has to do with the # of years you are married and past income and who earned what during that period...here in NJ nothing else!!!! and he will revisit that next year when it is time to revisit that with the courts...he is presently working with a lawyer...so he is getting there.
I have nothing to say other
I have nothing to say other than NJ is the most ridiculous state (after California) when it comes to child support laws. Very, sad. Our future is doomed with laws like this that create children with entitlement attitudes.
Amen to that so true so
Amen to that so true so true!!!!
Yes she constantly asks for
Yes she constantly asks for more and so do the daughters! and as time goes by that is the only time he hears from his daughters and every time he makes a time for them to meet they cancel...this weekend he was supposed to see one of them on sat at 4:30 and after he texted and left her a voice mail (fri & sat to confirm) he got a call back on sat at about 2 "oh I went away with my friend & her parents for the weekend"...I believe my SO is nearly done.......very sad to watch!