Struggling with loneliness and separation from family
Hi everyone... first post. 
I have been raising my step kids since they were 14 months. They have been with us 90% of the time. I was going to adopt them. It's been nearly 4 years of waiting and saving money and now it is decided that I am not adopting. I feel a great loss. My wife (same sex relationship) doesn't seem to understand my loss. I feel like I don't know how to be a step parent. I feel left out of the family (especially when my bio kids are gone half the time). My step kids who are almost 5 have a clear preference for her in everything. They love me, I love them, but when I am told constantly that they don't want me, they want her, for everything, it hurts so much. My wife doesn't understand how that would hurt me. Am I crazy / stupid? I feel left out. Has anyone else gone through anything like this? I am at a loss... I don't even know what to do to try and make things work. I don't know how I should act or feel. I feel angry. Angry that we are not close like I wanted. But also, I know that I am putting up my own wall and they probably sense it. I put up my wall to protect myself from the hurt/pain of rejection. Right now I am just in the storm of everything and I can't see a way out. *sigh*
What caused the change in the
What caused the change in the adoption plans? I think that could be key in understanding what's going on here.
If you feel left out the majority of the time and your wife doesn't understand how you feel even though you have explained it to her, I'd be taking a step back and seriously trying to figure out if this is a relationship I would want to be in long-term. All you can do is try to communicate with her how you feel. If she isn't understanding and willing to try to make you feel more included, then you'll have to choose between living this unhappy lifestyle or moving on in hopes of finding happiness.
My user name (last in line) comes from a lot of the same feelings you have expressed in your post. However, I don't feel like that all the time, and things have improved vastly because I told DH exactly what was going on that made me feel that way. Having said that, we only have 50/50 so I have far less time that is ruled by the skids--I'm not sure how things would be working out if we had them much more, because they do only want DH, they seriously interfere with our intimacy, and one of them I frankly do not like.
Thanks for the response! The
Thanks for the response!
The reason for the change is complicated but comes down to fear of her losing the kids and the fear that if I adopt then her ex will try to force herself onto the adoption papers. She had a co-guardianship with the ex but adopted them along. The ex is still getting visitation though and probably will go to court and try and adopt the kids against the will of the only legal parent thy have. Court battles. Confusion. Stress. We just went through it all to get them adopted in the first place. So, she decided she didn't want to. I understand. But also, it still hurts. It's still just hard.
I don't know where my parenting stops and it sucks but that means I don't know where my love stops. I feel the two are connected because if I can't have a say in certain things means I need to maintain a certain distance. I guess I feel like the love doesn't stop it just changes. It changes from the love of my child to the love of someone else's child. What do you do as a step parent? I feel like the third wheel or I feel like I constantly get shot down because they just don't want me (for example, don't carry to bed, don't wash in the bath, don't get me the water I want, etc). So that just hurts and in turn I think "well fine, screw you then, you can just go thirsty." So, what do you do? I don't know how to be like that. Don't get me wrong, there are good times and hugs and kisses and stuff. But I hate not feeling like one family. I feel like we are three families: All of us together (both of us plus all 4 kids), them (her and two kids), and me all alone when my kids are gone to their dads. This is not new, but the "solution" last time was that I would be more involved and raise them and adopt. Well, so much for that. That's probably not a good solution in the first place. I know adoption won't change anything for the kids anyway.
I'm not trying to be
I'm not trying to be insensitive... but let's be realistic-
A piece of paper and a court proceeding is NOT going to make them love you more, not going to make you love them more, not going to make you and your partner feel closer, and it will most certainly NOT make you a "family".
It's a piece of paper. You are either a family, or you aren't. All paper aside.
I know, furkids. What i feel
I know, furkids. What i feel is like I was fostering some kids and going to adopt for 4 years, and then told I can't adopt. Its heartbreaking. feel like my relationship has gone more down hill since then. I feel like I have to find this new role as step mom now and I don't know what that is and it's harder since I was picturing a different relationship all along.
I can understand that, but it
I can understand that, but it sounds like you are focusing on the adoption, when that isn't your problem at all. It's just something easy to blame the troubles in your relationship upon.
That's true. I think the
That's true. I think the adoption falling through made more step back. I am trying to not focus on it but it's hard not to feel like I got demoted or I won't really count as a parent. I don't know how to act now. I think there are other issues here though too, that's true.
I think the way to address
I think the way to address this is to realize that since you and DW are equity life partners that makes you both equity parents to any children in your marrital home. Once you are confident and assume this role for yourself then you can drive this message home with your bride. IMHO she has no choice in this matter. She gets on board because you will not tolerate anything less.
When we got engaged I realized that I was going to be SS-23's dad (he was 15mos when we met and we married the week before he turned 2yo)and to be anything less meant shorting myself, my wife, our marriage, my Skid, and our family.
You may not be able to adopt them now though I would make sure that you keep that comminicated firmly to DW regularly but eventually the kids will decide for themselves. My SS asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen. He knows who is dad is and what his family name is and he always has. When the SpermClan could no longer have influence over it... he initiated the adoption.
Hang in there.