Stressed by step kids, battling bioparents
My SS is 15 years old, has been barking orders at me since he met me... yelling at me, demanding, entitled, unappreciative, name calling, lying against me since we met. He has a Mom who supports his poor behavior and refuses the Dad's requests for counseling. Among the many different things he rebels against is flushing the toilet after himself. He leaves his clothes on the floor, used pimple dissolvers left stuck on the edge of the counter, he calls me trash. I kept quiet for a year until I didn't. I had enough and asked him what I have ever done to him to deserve for him to be so mean to me and that was all it took for his Mom to go through the courts to petition for full custody due to "abuse". We have bent over backwards for the kids even though they don't appreciate it. I purchased a futon for him until his room was ready and that was labeled as abuse. I tore apart my office and freshly painted and new floor, new bed, his own entertainment center and he's been degenerate. I feel guilty for having asked him about what I ever did to him for his distain since it created a huge legal matter. We have 2 kids each and it feels like all we ever do is concentrate ALL efforts on my husband's kids to keep them happy. My kids don't ask for anything but his kids have been the main event and I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I tried to become friends with the biomom but she also calls me trash and told me to stay in my lane. There will never be a possibility of peace there. We are about to be married a year and it feels like 5 years. I dread the alternating weeks when my husband's kids come to visit. I had decided a while back when the SS said I abused him for asking him why he's mean to me, that I am not bothering to feed them or anything. I was sticking to that until SS was on speaker phone with biomom's Mom and he said I was starving him. When I cooked for him, he would complain and refused to eat it... then he would eat what I made at midnight. I began vomiting blood from a stress ulcer this past Christmas. I feel like a horrible person for having these issues but I understand how normal it is to experience them. I have never been met with understanding for much in my life and that's why I'm here. I don't expect a solution. I just need to vent. My husband is a good man, good Dad but there are so many days that I feel I would take back the "I do" because of his kids and ex-wife.
If you are not married and
If you are not married and you are so stressed you have physical symptoms then it is time to change something to reduce your stress levels. It seems you have tried what you can staying in that house: ignoring him, befriending BM, confronting the boy. I presume his Dad is either ineffective at controlling his son's behavior or refuses to adress it himself. I think your only option left is to remove yourself. You could just avoid being there every other weekend, but...I would advocate for you to leave this mess behind and protect your kids from this stressful home and seeing their mom disrespected. They deserve better. You deserve better.
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It will be a year married March 2024. The SS has now become physically abusive to his sister. SS verbal abuse and emotional abuse to my 8 year old is deeply upsetting. He tells my 8yr old that I need to be dead. SS told his Biomom that he feels he isn't heard by his Dad because his Dad and I got married without his consent. BioMom was also demanding to know why she wasn't consulted about us getting married. My husband and I have been friends since we were 11 years old and only friends. Their divorce was 5 years ago but I am treated like the reason the parents got divorced. I wish I could just walk away. I own my house and my husband and his 2 kids moved in. The kids leave messes wherever they go and have told me they do not have to do anything I tell them to do bc that's what their Mom told them. I asked them to clean behind themselves and I was met with that answer. I feel powerless in the home I worked so hard to buy. From Monday thru Sunday on alternating weeks I stay cooped in my room to avoid the negativity. I know I deserve better and I was eager to be a step parent but I absolutely hate it now.
Sorry, I got muddled reading
Sorry, I got muddled reading your post.
If it is your house then try to see if your husband can have his visitation elsewhere. Does he have family nearby that he could stay with with his kids? Or could he rent somewhere they can go to for his weekends? It really seems unhealthy for everyone that they continue to come to your house.
I can relate
I can relate to your story and it hurts a lot, I know. Your mental health is important and it shpuld be prioritized. Your own kids need their mom healthy and happy. I wonder what is DH doing about all of these. Is he even aware how much this affects you? He needs to step up and protect you, instill some discipline in his kids.
a violent, abusive child
a violent, abusive child should not be near your family. to me that's a pretty clear line. he is harming your children. something has to change. asap
SS and BM can F-off. If DH
SS and BM can F-off. If DH does not get them immediately under control.. he can F-off with them.
Grrrrrr.
Next time these failed family breeding mistakes play the "mom says we don't have to." Tell them to GTF out. Next visit. hand htem a tent and send them to the back yard. They can freeze or sweat back there until they learn reality. Make sure to tell them that their idiot mother has no say about anything in your home and life inclucing with the kids. Use the words "your idiot mother".
Make sure daddy knows that his key is going to stop working if he does not fix this crap and get all of his failed family baggage under control. Including his X.
When the violent POS 15yo gets violent, call the police and have him arrested. Every time. See how he, mommy, and daddy like having to deal with the courts. Hopefully, the courts will send him to a juvenile incarcaration facility where he will meet some truly violent individuals that will take him out for trying to be a bully. Injury requiring surgery tends to fix a bully of their bullying problem.
I was the target of bullies for several years between 6th grade and 9th grade. I hated fighting. It frightened me. Bullies figure it out and ... I was bullied. Until, I learned that getting hit hurts whether I was fighting back or not. So, I fought back. Not just basic defending myself. I caused severe injury to the bully. Requiring medical intervention and even corrective surgery a couple of times. I never got in a bit of trouble. I never started it. But for damned sure ended it leaving the bully in a pool of blood or writhing in pain being hauled off in an ambulance. This violent Skid of yours need to meet a bullying victim that will end his bully career decisively.
IMHO.
Rekey the locks and put them all on the curb.
None of them bring any peace or benefit to their life. Unless there is some incredible benefit you have not shared. Though what that could possibly be is beyond me.
Get on with living your best life. That will mean applying a state of escalating abject misery on your SO, his spawn, and his X. Or... purging all of that crap from your life.
Take care of you.
why are you still there??? he
why are you still there??? he is damaging your children. why let him?
My OSS got violent with my
My OSS got violent with my OBD when they were 14. Cops called, discussion had. OSS given the choice to follow our rules or not come over. He stopped coming over and the change in our home was noticeable. The other 3 skids and my 3 bios felt relieved to say the least. You owe it to yourself and your bios to protect them from your SS. BM is probably coaching all of this as it was in our case. Bullying and abuse can't be tolerated. IMO. Time for a change.
Nope.
This is NOT ok. Love is not enough.
I'm about to give you some tough love here, so buckle in. You are freaking puking blood for goodness sake!
Now, how is it affecting your children? Honestly, you need to think about your children. Your #1 job as a parent is to keep your children safe. That is not happening every other week. This is extremely unhealthy for not only you, but your children as well.
Your children are going to resent you (if they haven't started already). Do not ruin their childhood chasing this love story.
Their mental and emotional health is not worth sacrificing for your husband.
Why would you tolerate this
Why would you tolerate this in the beginning even once. Much less for a year or more. Your mate's toxic 15yo failed family progeny is intollerable. So do not tolerate him. If your mate can't keep his baggage (Skids and BM) in check, find a man of quality rather than this nightmare.
Stop volunteering to be their victim. Time to set your boundaries and establish standards of behavior and standards of performance for your mate, his failed family progeny, his XW, and any other baggage he drags into your life.
Think of how your life would be without this failed man, failed partner, failed father, and failed mate. Living your best life and setting that example for your own children. Do not let that POS 15yo do anything but exactly what he is told when he is told to do it. Rain down such an escalating state of abject misery on his toxic ass that he would quiver in terror at the thought of even considering being disrespectful. Destroy him. He is out at 18 or forcibly emancipated the second he drops out of HS. If his idiot mother wants to enable his crap, that is on her. Just because his father and BM are POS failed adults, failed mates, and failed parents, does not doom you to wallow in their shallow and polluted shit puddle of a gene pool. So, stop wallowing.
Call the locksmith to re-key the locks, put this shit puddle gene pool in your past, and get on with living your best life. That cannot happen where you are or with the person you are with .
Move on, take your kids and get on with living your best life. Living well, is the best revenge. Enjoy living your best life and exacting your revenge.
Take care of you
" My husband is a good man,
" My husband is a good man, good Dad"
No he isn't. He is letting his feral kids run wild and not protecting you from their Appalling behaviour. In what way does that make him a good father? What is he teaching them? Time for you to stand up for yourself.
How on earth could your husband see you vomit blood and NOT raise merry hell with his kids? What kind of a parent and partner allows his kids to treat his spouse like that?
If your SS has been allowed
If your SS has been allowed to behave that way.. your DH is NOT a good father.... he may love his kids.. he may be nice to yours.. that does not make him a good father..
But.. I DO think you need to listen to his mother. Stay in your lane.. all the way in your lane. His kids are not your responsibility.
Do not feed them. that is not YOUR job.. it's your husband's responsibility... and at your SS's age.. he is fully capable of making a meal with food his dad provides.. or dad can leave him money to order a pizza..
Do not drive them places.. their schedule and getting to their activities.. dad's job..
and when BM accuses you of not feeding her kids.. tell her.. that is not your job.. you are staying in your lane.. it's your husband's job... as long as there is food in the house the kid can eat on his own.. it is not abuse.. police show up? show them the cupboard full of peanutbutter.. tuna fish.. ramen noodles.. chips.. celery, carrots.. fruit.. frozen pizzas.. and tell them that the kid is 16 and all this food is availablle to them.
Hardline
You MUST take a hardline to this situation with the Abuser who Cried Wolf SS. Hes old enough to know better. This will get worse. You MUST protect your young children from this manipulative lying abuser brat. Your husband is not protecting you or his other children.
With all the abuse accusations and then the real abuse of your minor child, you face the possibility of having your children taken from you. It really does happen!
You MUST stop SS from being around your children. So what if he doesnt want to visit, not your problem. So what if BM has opinions, not your problem.
You have been treated as a doormat and had your spine trampled down, so time to grow a new one. Your husband is NOT a good man and NOT a good father. He has failed you as a partner and failed the children as a parent. You MUST stand firm and strong...
Sorry you are dealing with this, it truly sucks.
If all else fails, consult a lawyer.
I would ask your husband to
I would ask your husband to live elsewhere while he has his children. Abuse in your home, and especially involving your child, is unacceptable. Your daughter is 8. She counts on YOU to protect her. You are failing her, just as your husband is failing you. He is NOT a good man if he's allowing his son to affect your health and abuse both his own child and yours. Tell him to get his kid under control or move out.
Sad but true.
OP is failing her kid as much or more than her SO is failing her and his own failed family breeding mistakes.
OP where are you?
OP where are you?