Stepmom - The glorious life
I've been with my fiance for almost four years. 6 months ago we moved in together. I have a solid relationship with his 9 year old daughter, she's excited we are getting married, but his 11 year old son, is a different story.
He is nice and we get along and when it's our week with them (for the most part). At his mom's, he tells her he hates me, refuses to go to the wedding, and goes on and on about how awful I am. I seriously do more for the kids than their own mother does. She neglects them, smacks them in the mouth when they talk back, and recently bought them ipads so she doesn't have to deal with them. The kids have no rules at her house, they eat, sleep, and talk however they want. My stepson has these huge rageful fits when he doesn't get his way, or doesn't like how he is talked to. It's now happening at our house. He gets absolutely out of control and hits walls and screams from his room for hours on end that he hates everyone, wants everyone dead, and on and on and on. The hard part here is that his bio mom openly bashes me and his dad.
I feel like this kid rules both houses with his fits. He manipulates everyone and brings us all to tears. Last night I didn't even go home from work until I knew he was in bed because I just couldn't bear going home and listening to all the screaming and insults.
I don't know what to do. He's driving a wedge between his dad and I. He is going to be starting counselling again but I feel like I don't think that will be enough for him. I wonder if things will ever be normal for us. I'm at the point I don't even want to give anymore of myself to my fiance or his son because it goes completely unappreciated and I am so disrespected.
Don't get married. Either
Don't get married. Either find your own place to stay while your BF has the kids and wait until the kid either accepts you or moves out.
You will be asking for a long time of hell if you go through with the marriage when you are already feeling unappreciated and resentful.
If you do not have your own
If you do not have your own children, do not marry this man...find a man with zero kids!
BD can start talking badly
BD can start talking badly about BM right back. BD can also discipline his son. The child is still having tantrums because up until now he has always gotten his way. You fiancé needs to start disciplining that kid or its going to get worse. An 11 year old throwing a tantrum is still manageable, but a 16 year old throwing the same fit may well be looking at assault charges.
Furthermore BD needs to lay down the rules. Something along the lines of "This is going to be my wife whether you like it or not and she is your SM whether you like it or not. And you are going to respect her, and you will honor her the way you do your mother and I or very bad things are going to happen to you." 11 year olds don't get choices.
Warning: The fits will get worse initially. That kid should be constantly grounded, spanked, or otherwise punished until they stop, which they will if your fiancé keeps it up. But do it now. The kids 11, this will only get harder to break him of as he gets older.
Yep. BM wins every time:
Yep. BM wins every time: "The hard part here is that his bio mom openly bashes me and his dad." BM really does have a GU, so to speak, and she'll be able to get away with far more than dad, that's for sure. I see BMs on TV all the time going after their ex-/ pops, and it is usually followed by canned laughter and lots of eye rolling.
Just the same way the term "proverbial bad stepmother" is thrown around all over the media, usually followed by some woman with a resting bitch face. That's the US.
GU= Golden Uterus
GU= Golden Uterus
You can't be a wimp and a SM.
You can't be a wimp and a SM. Or, if you were a wimp when you became a SM, in a few years you'll go from step-mom to step-zilla, and be the better for it.
Really. Once you realize that you are expected to take on the responsibility and blame for the fallout from someone else' divorce, without any authority, and be expected to act like the invisible woman at all events where BM is present, your fangs and claws will come out big time!!
This is my SS17. I had to
This is my SS17. I had to ban him from living with us full time bc of his violence, as I have to protect SD and my home. As they get older and stronger, the violence gets worse.
While you may think this or that will correct it, it won't. The only thing that will help at this age is a military style school or some type of intense youth program.
Edited to add: I was able to enforce this as my late DH and I bought my house in 1989, so it is in my name only right now. DSO can leave if he wants at any time if he doesn't like it. I don't keep him tied up anymore.
The kid won't change until
The kid won't change until his dad stops letting him act like that and his mom stops indulging him when he badmouths you. If neither parent is likely to change their ways then the kid will remain the same. Disengage or move out until the kid ages out. But stop expecting a flower to bloom from a pile of crap. Two crappy parents does not a good stepkid make.
That is nothing a bucket of
That is nothing a bucket of ice cold water won't fix. Just walk over and throw it over him and get in his face and tell him to shut the f up or he will get the same treatment when he sleeps. He is allowed to behave this way. His father allows him to behave this way. And when do you think it will get better?
Move out, put a hold on the marriage until your fiance gets his son under control. If he doesn't then he doesn't really want to marry you. I know it seems hard and cold to say this but it is the truth. Can you imagine the kind of man this boychild will grow into? Would you want to date someone who cannot deal with their anger or feels so powerful he makes all the calls for the home?
I don't care what BM thinks about you. It doesn't male a difference at all because this boychild behaves the same at both houses. So how can BM make a difference? She doesn't.
Love yourself first. Move out and get your fiance to deal with the problem. HE is his father. HE needs to man up and take charge of his own house and protect his daughter and fiancee from his out of control son.
I'm with the people saying -
I'm with the people saying - do not get married this is not going to go away cause your SO is enabling SS to keep this behavior up....
Start ignoring the kid and focus on parenting your SO, either he steps up as a father or you step out of the relationship.
bursting your bubble... if you think SS11 is bad wait till that little 9 year old girl reach the age of 13..