I am so sorry for your family.  I don't have any advice.  I'd ask my DH what he wanted me to do. Again, sorry for all.

I'm so sorry. Please know that it's not anyone's fault, it was SS's poor choice, and I'm sure he was suffering from depression and other mental health issues long before you came on the scene.

Do whatever your husband wants you to do, but I certainly wouldn't sit with the whole family..

So sorry to hear this.  I agree with the others who said ask your DH.  If he wants you there for support then go.  If he thinks it's best you don't, then hang back and comfort him later in private.

Also (sorry don't know the history with BM) but I would ignore (as you've done) and give her a pass on her hateful email.  She is probably in a world of hurt and will take it out on convenient targets (i.e. you).

If it were my son, I would want my husband there to support me. So, no matter how uncomfortable it would be for me, I'd go with him.

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.

I have so much compassion for you and for EVERYONE.

Do you believe that you CAN go if your husband wants you to?

This is not your fault, nor your husbands, nor bm or the circumstances.

I am so sorry ((((HUGS))))) I know you are hurting too.

*yes of course I willl pray for your entire family*

My condolences to you and your DH on your SSs suicide. 

IMHO, you and DH need to  be at each other's side  at his son's funeral.  Be classy, and  be together.  If BM or any of her minions say a word, have some choice comments scripted to bare their asses and highlight their idiocy.  

E.g. "This is not the time or the place for you to show your lack of character.  This is the memorial service for my son and you will not sully his memory for me with your honorless immoral behavioral crap. So, behave or leave."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If anyone is so stupid as to assign blame, point out their years of maniplation of the kid and their exacerbation of his mental illness.  

Again, my condolences.

I feel strongly that you should go and be a united team, together. I lost my dear brother to suicide and if there is anything I know about its losing someone to something so meaningless. 

He must have been in extreme pain.

My condolences to you and your DH. I would recommend counseling. 

((hugs))

Jojo, first I would like to send my condolences to you and your family.

I wouldn't worry about people playing the blame game and using you and/or your DH as a scapegoat. This young man obviously had major issues that he decided to take his own life. It's just not normal for a person to take his or her own life impliedly because healthy boundaries are being set. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

As far as going to the funeral, you and your DH have to do what the two of you feel is best. It truly is a decision that the two of you need to make without considering the negatively from BM or anyone else.

I do agree with the poster who suggested counseling. I think it would be beneficial for you and your DH. It would also likely be beneficial for your other SKs if they are willing to go.

Definitely go to support your hubby. Having to bury your own child would have to be up there with the hardest thing to do in life. Be there to be his rock if anything. (If he wants you there of course, ask him what he wants and deliver) there is nobody other than your husband that you need to worry about in this. 
This way if you don't go it will be easy to tell all the haters you were simply doing as your husband wishes. And if you do go and anyone gives you grief you were again doing what he needed.

Just go.  Your husband needs you to be by his side for your strength to get both of you thru this day. You can face whatever comes after but not regrets from within yourself if you hide from BM.  Very sadly, and with different circumstances, I have been in your shoes.  Be there in support for your husband and with love for your SS.

I'm sorry for your loss. 

Having been through the loss of my YSS in 2018, I'd suggest you go to support your DH.  (YSS didn't die from suicide but he'd tried a few times before).  I can recommend

 - adding some sane non immediate family members to the funeral to act as a buffer. 

 -  ignoring BM. 

In our case, BM did try to create a fuss at one point but DH deftly deflated her attempt and she behaved after that.  If you look through my old blogs you'll find one on the funeral.  It might help with pointers.

Your not a monster ❤sorry for your loss ..something will be said if you go or if you dont remember that ...look after yourself to 

I am so sorry for you and your family.  

I don't know your history but I am sure there was a lot going on with SS probably more than anyone knew about.  I don't know the right words to say except suicide is no ones fault.  Blame should never be placed on you and your husband.  

I would go if it were my husband.  You will be going for him and going so that he does not have to face that horrible situation alone.  It would be unspeakable if anyone bothered ether of you on such an occasion.   My heart goes out to you both!

Your husband's child died.  The two of you need to be together during this.  That he allowed an invasion of your home while expecting you to disappear is alarming to me and intollerable.

I would let him know that never again will he do this and never again will you tolerate it.

Go to the funeral. Your DH does not need an invitation, and neither do you.  Go together, and script some cutting but not toxic responses to anything BM or the other toxic spawn may spew. Prepared is better than not.

Do not let them or this situation divide you.  Make each other your priority and have each other’s backs.

Ugh.  Step-parents are scapegoats for anything and everything.  

I'd be damned if I let them pin that on me.  Family dysfunction runs VERY deep in these step families, but hey...a step parent exists...let's blame tbem!  I have no doubt if one of my SO's kids did something like that, my name would definitely be brought up.  

when horrific things like this happen, it's normal for people to look for SOMEONE to blame, and they never want to blame themselves... don't recieve the blame... don't accept the blame, but know that she is looking for answers... the sad part, is since he's gone, she'll never get them.

While I know I should have some empathy for the BM and the toxic SKids, I cannot bring myself to that level of character development.  Yes they hurt. That does not give them the righ to blame others for the choice of a mentally ill individual who ends their own life.

Go to the funeral. I would suggest that you and DH engage a security detal with the funeral home to make sure that there is a uniformed presence to keep the toxic in their place.

Not sure how this post popped back up, but just a note that it's from 2020.  (The advice is still solid though).