Socially awkward, Socially immature, wild child HELP
SS13 was "Tolerable" till about 3 years ago when older SS started college and got a GF. Before SS13 would hang out/play with older SS and we would hardly see him. Now SS13 is up DH ass 24/7 to be entertained and I NEVER get alone time with DH when SS is over.
The problem is SS13 never had ANY friends till 6 th grade. DH and BM tried to involve him in clubs, sports, camps etc and nothing really stuck. Honestly DH suffers from Severe depression and just did not have the energy to really devote time to push SS into something. BM is a devoted Helicopter parent but on the lazy side so not sure how much she pushed either.
So my question is what can DH do to help SS with his social skills? It's a lot easier whe they are 5 or 6 and you can go to play groups with them or call other parents for a play date. BUT at 13 there really are no play dates that daddy can join in with. Is there sports that SS13 could join that DH could be Actively involved at that age? SS has a few friends but NEVER does anything with them outside of school.
With DH Depression I need to help find solutions for SS13 social problems or I fear I'll be living with a 25 yr old friendless step kid who is attached to DH hip 24/7.
Suggestions on how to get a 13-year-old friends and big social skills???
Sounds like my SDs. Getting
Sounds like my SDs. Getting them to do much activities at all that weren't 100% their idea was a 100% losing battle. I never met kids with more power to deny themselves potential fun and learning and friends. No to swimming, no to plays, no to short week-long artsy summer camp (local even!), no to day long activities (basically anything)....and I don't blame the kids I blame the parents - for raising kids who were not at all curious or inquisitive about themselves, other people, or the world around them. They just don't care overall.
Now, YSD in the past year has changed a bit with getting to be good friends with another girl her age (note just one) and her activities revolve around that one girl - YSD would have had a fit if DH (or I) had suggested any of the new things she's done/camps. It's been good for her, but I'm afriad it likely won't last, esp. if C-19 continues and there's less activities overall for kids this summer.
OSD just flat out quit literally everything she joined (except for 2 week/monthlong things in the course of 3 years) and complained about 100% of all of them.
Basically I lost $ over the years, and a lot of time and effort. DH undermined me many times in supporting SDs just outright quitting (with even one day left to go once!) or refusing to enroll them in things that would actually benefit them and that they liked doing because it would 'just be too hard.' So I stopped helping. DH can figure it all out.
SS sounds like he’s anxious.
SS sounds like he’s anxious. Given DH’s mental health struggles, SS might have inherited some himself. A good therapist might help him learn to think differently and have .more confidence
Does DH recognize SS
Does DH recognize SS struggles? Or does it not seem to bother him? What about BM, does lack of activity bother her?
Personally, I had to point out to DH about 2 years ago that SD10 didn't have any friends starting her 2nd grade year. She never got invited to birthday parties or play dates. This has remained the status quo going into 5th grade now. Honestly, he was shocked when I mentioned it. He didn't even notice! He has pretty severe PTSD, so I think dealing with his own mental health honestly came first a lot. DH knows it's a problem, but doesn't do much about it. BM refuses to do any extracurriculars, so it's impossible for SD to attend ANYTHING (club, sport, camp, etc) regularly.
If the answer is no to both, I would stop worrying. Not your fish to fry. I did the same. I acknowledged it to DH and then let it go. Not our problem to fix. Especially if it's not viewed or treated like a "problem" to bio parents.
Yes DH notices and it bothers him BUT
It's ONLY when BM complains about it at SS's therapy sessions does DH try and do anything. DH try's but his own Depression gives him low energy and does have it in him to keep at SS. Regarding BM its weird. She Constantly brings up SS lack of friends and social skills BUT other then sign him up for summer camps and a Occasional a after school function she basically does nothing. Both school and SS therapist recommended team sports and other local kid social groups but BM never followed through with anything but continues to complain that SS has no friends and does nothing.
You must find something to get SS involved in
At 13 it will be hard to get him into team sports. Most kids started at 5 or 6, at 13 he can not start from zero. Something at school, doing plays, clubs, where you can asked a teacher for help get SS involved. To push a little. If DH can not help, you have to find someone else. GF, brother,
If you find less mainstream
If you find less mainstream sports and activities they are usually more used to people joining at all ages and abilities.
BOWLING LEAGUE!!
BOWLING LEAGUE!!
I swear to DOG it has been the best thing for my son ever!!! BS14 suffers from really bad anxiety attacks. He has a few close friends that are all super "gifted" like him, but mostly my son has always been a 40 yr old trapped in a child's body. He was a toddler and wanted to sit at the table with adults and talk politics. He is soooo freaking smart, it is scary sometimes. He just doesn't relate to other kids/teens.
Bowling has been the best thing I ever forced on my child. He loves it. All the kids there are a little weird. They are awesome and supportive and thanks to handicaps, he can suck but his team can still win. The best 2 hrs of our week are (were...stupid Corona) were Saturday morning bowling league.