SKid is not welcomed at home. How do you still keep in contact?
I called out some lies on SD17 this last Christmas. She was bad mouthing my DH and I point blank told her I don't feel he has done anything to deserve that treatment. She went on to say she has told all of her family what an ass her father is and they all think he is full of $hit. I said all they know of us is what you tell them. All we know of them is what you tell us. Keep in mind the stories you have told about "your family" to me. Your mom drinks all the time, your StepD hits your mom, your mom take all your money, etc... I do not believe your stories now knowing that you are telling stories about your dad. She told me that if I did not stop treating her this way she would not come over anymore. I replied OK with a 
I know I shouldn't have done that part but I did, it's done can't change it now. Other things have gone on if you like to know more reasons why she is not allowed in my home you can read my post.
The point is she is not welcome here any longer. I told DH if he chooses to see her that is on him and I will not interfere, but do not bring her to this house yet. I have not had time to get over this and the thing she has recently pulled just yet. Not saying I won't but for now it is a big fat NO for me!
My DD13 informed me that they (DH,DD and SD) are to go to MIL's house for dinner. DD lets me know that the reason DH gave her that I am not invited is because SD said she will go as long as Patsy is not there.
I am pissed off about this. I do not feel like DH should be taking her to family dinners. He should take just her out until things cool down.
Are any of you in a position that your DW or DH has to see their kids away from home? How does if work for you?
What you're feeling is
What you're feeling is understandable, but ILs are still SDs family too. Hopefully they're participating in this out of concern for her welfare. What she did was incredibly stupid, but it may be the kick she needs to reach out to them (and DH). Your DD is probably right but she needs to let DH work this out with SD. That said, if she (DD) doesn't want to go, she shouldn't have to.
I agree they are family too.
I agree they are family too. I have actually asked everyone to keep in contact with SD after the stunts she has been pulling. I think the more time she is in the company of others who respect and love her father the better.
At 17 I do not think my DH should be the only one trying to build a relationship between grandparents and his daughter. We all live close SD drives and is in town often passing her grandparents homes. The grandparents know SD's cell and I don't think it would hurt for them to initiate a visit or two.
MIL will fully expect that I would be there unless DH has told her I am sick or working late. I feel that if my MIL knew I was not there because SD demanded it, the dinner would be cancelled.
Wait, just the other day she
Wait, just the other day she wanted you and your DH to take her and her DH on vacation, now she doesn't even want to have dinner in your presence?
She is just giving you more reasons to stand your ground on EVERYTHING. And so is your DH.
Unfortunately, they may cause a rift between them and your DD in the process.
Yeah can't figure that one
Yeah can't figure that one out either. I can't help but to think that either DH told her I said HELL NO to the vacation or that I erased the message or if she is still holding onto the last text I sent her? I know tonight I will have to confront him on all of this.
I have no tolerance for
I have no tolerance for drunks either. Thank you. I wish my husband would just take her out to eat. Why parade her around to grandparents and make is so relavant that I am not there? At least for a little while. The inlaws all know most of the things going on. If I am not there Dh should at least explain to them the reason. This was the only way I could get her if I brought her for dinner and made sure Patsy didn't.
Wonderful relationship! That
Wonderful relationship! That is all I have to say to this. Good for you and your DH!
I think DH can go and SD can
I think DH can go and SD can go, but you and your bio do not have to go. I would keep your younger child away from her. She is toxic. BM had taken SS15 out to dinner Sunday and I told DH he can go, but not if SD17 is there. I do not want her around SS and since the crap she pulled at Christmas he knew better than to let it go. Turns out SS asked BM the same thing and the answer was no.
You do not have to be around the disgruntled child and neither does your child.
What my husband does not see
What my husband does not see here is that SD is calling the shots. In the past she loved to go to dinner with her DH. This time she has demanded that they go to MIL's and Patsy is not allowed to. That is what irritates me. It's a way of pissing on her territory. I would imagine if he said lets go to dinner just me and you she would find other plans at this point.
We are good, but I don't want
We are good, but I don't want her to feel like she owes me anything. Since SD doesn't come around much anymore she might want to see her just because she doesn't know when the next time will be.
So I am going to bring this
So I am going to bring this all up to him.
First of all to find out what the call was about.
Second tell him DD let me in on his plans
Third that SD is using this as a way to piss on her territory
Fourth to take SD out for one on one time since that is really what is needed no matter about the inlaws
Fifth since he won't agree to 4 tell his mom the real reason why I and my daughter are not coming to dinner
Anyone have any suggestions as to how to start this off as he has not been speaking to me?
Bea - I did mention that my
Bea - I did mention that my DD is not going. She actually made the choice so Dh has nothing to say to me. Read my blog from earlier today.
What the hell? How am I the
What the hell? How am I the bad guy in all of this. My husband has never treated me like this before. I feel like it is all a dream. I am obessed with this board because I feel like I can not talk to him. I have not had this feeling before. It's strange. Like I walked into another house or something. This is not my life!
You are not the bad guy, he
You are not the bad guy, he is making someone the fall guy since he can not control the SD. Stay away from the mess. Do not talk to him about it. Lay it out about your kid not going to the dinner and that is it. This is on him to deal with not you. No matter how it goes you will be called a bitch so why do anything at all?
Jsmom - Your right I am the
Jsmom - Your right I am the bitch either way. The thing is I have to at least say that DD told me of the plans. I think I will get in an argument either way. Heck I don't even know when this dinner is going to take place. Maybe he will have to open the conversation about it. I hope so.
Then again maybe I shouldn't
Then again maybe I shouldn't even bring that part up. My only fear is that my DD will have to stand up to him and SD alone if DH plans to do this while I am still at work. Look at me I am replying to myself I am so confused. Why can't this all just go away. I thought her getting married was going to be a good thing. I was on cloud nine when I heard about it.
I only disagree on one thing.
I only disagree on one thing. I think after all these years if I need space that I can tell him no she is not welcomed by me to our home. I never in a million years ever thought I would say that but here I am. Anywhere else is free.
I'm not worried what will
I'm not worried what will happen. I worry that SD is calling the shots and DH is just falling into it. I agree grandparents are important I have let them all know weeks ago that I feel it would be great for them to spend time with SD anyway they can. She needs to be around d people who love and respect her father. My DD doesn't want to go. I will not force the issue. Her sister has done some pretty mean things to her that have nothing to do with me. I would not force her to go with a friend who was mean to her. I feel SD at this point has not been much of a sister to her sister for a few years now. She has been more of a friend. I am hurting and can not face SD at the moment. I can not expect my daughter to do something that I as an adult can not do. I hope it works out but for the time being it is just too raw. You are right that DD has learned a few things not to do. Funny when they were little she wanted to be SD now she doesn't even want people to know they are related. Oh how differently I would have done things if I could have know then what I know now.
Go to dinner! MIL will
Go to dinner! MIL will welcome you. SD will see red and blast herself off to never never land, likely showing her true colors to gma and gpa.
Then DD and DH and you will have a nice meal with the in laws after she's run off to pout.
AFter dinner and DD is tucked into bed, remind your DH that you are a family, you and he are the core of your family and you have each others back. NO matter what. Remind him again SD is not allowed in your home but you will attend family dinners at family places.
HE can see SD away from family places and other family members as he wishes.
Great idea I think I might
Great idea I think I might have just done that, but turns out dinner is off. I just posted a blog on it. If you plan to read it beware it is a long one!
Thanks for keeping me sane
Thanks for keeping me sane threw all this my friends!
In this case I think that
In this case I think that there truly is a double standard. Were I your DH my 17yo daughter would not be allowed in the home because my wife said so. Your reasons for banishing your SD-17 are just and she knows what she must to do return.
I also would not agree to a dinner without my wife particularly a dinner that a child that I share with my wife will be at. By allowing SD-17 to stipulate that you not be at this dinner your DH just detached his sack and put his balls firmly in SD's control. Your DH also needs to inform your MIL that neither he nor your joint daughter will be attending a family function that you are excluded from ... P.E.R.I.O.D.!
The fact that your MIL is participating in this crap would cost her her son and one of her grand daughters in Rags' world. The fact that your DH is so without testicles amazes me.
Nope, not happening in Rags's world.
IMHO of course.
I agree! MIL had no idea I
I agree!
MIL had no idea I was not invited. When she found out she cancelled the dinner and told DH if he can't tell her why she would tell SD why.
I dont really allow the skids
I dont really allow the skids to come over.
OSD lives out of town so I dont really have to worry about that.
SS is welcomed for short visits but no reason for over nights. He is 20. But him and I get along fine.
MSD and YSD are not welcomed in the home for overnights. They havent stayed the night in over a year. And they have been over maybe 4 times?????
This is the biggest issue in mine and DH's relationship.
The most logical way to visit with the skids would be to have them come over. DH doesnt have any family around here where he can visit with them at a family members house. So when he wants to see the kids he has to take them out and spend money which bothers me too. (Hey being honest, I am not perfect ;-))
But since no one can act logical, that is why we are in the situation we are in.
I got so fed up with the stealing and lying and going back to BM about every little thing that went on in our house and the drama and the chaos and being disrespectful to me in my OWN HOME. I told DH NO MORE.
Why do I work hard all week and then have to spend my weekend (cooking and cleaning up after) his kids that are rude to me? That makes no sense. Or why should I have to lock up all of my belongings and follow the skids around to make sure they aren't stealing from me? Hell no. I did not sign up for that.
DH has said he has talked to the skids about their behaviors and why they aren't allowed over. But until we do it as a "family" then I am not open to them coming over for weekend or overnight visits. Because I am sure DH half assed the talk with them. I want them to know that I dont like their behavior and that is why they cant come over.
I can handle an hour or so but that is about it. And when they do come over there is so much tension and its so uncomfortable. No one really enjoys it. Why bother?
I am always open to things changing if I see a change in the skids. Honestly though they have just gotten worse the past year. So I dont see things changing anytime soon.
I do feel bad when I push back with DH on this issue because my bio lives with us. But my bio has always lived with me, lived with me when DH and I got together and I made it clear that bio will probably always live with me (as a minor). My bio is respectful of DH, follows the rules of the house. So I think there is a difference. This is my bios home, this is not the skids home.
When DH's family has come to town, DH has taken all of them out and I have just stayed home. It kind of sucks but I cant stand being around the skids even for a dinner. And most def. not why they are all sugary with their relatives who see them maybe once a year.
DH and I go back and forth on this a lot. He will say okay I understand why you dont want the skids over, I agree with you, I am fine with it, then changes his mind when he feels guilty Disney Dad.
I hope I have made myself
I hope I have made myself clear to my DH. I hope after his last revelation he will hold to it. His engaging with his daughter is making eveyone uneasy. Even worse the more time he spends with SD further ruins his relationship with her. I expect when the grandbaby comes, if not sooner, he will fall back to the guilty daddy role. I am not willing at this time to allow him to waiver. If when the baby comes and SD has begun to respect her father I may change my mind on it. For now anything to do with SD is a big fate HELL NO, for me at least.