Should we or shouldn't we?
OK, now I know that we are the only ones who can make this decision because we are the only ones who know exactly how our BM is. But because the posts I have read have shown me so many others deal with psycho BMs like ours, I thought I would ask.
Quick background: SS15 comes to visit regularly. SD17 (with baby) never comes anymore and hasn't except a few times since we found out she was pregnant. BM has lied, manipulated and denied visitation regularly when the kids were younger but seems to have slacked off now.
We found out about a month ago that BM got married (first one for her) and is 4-5 months pregnant. I guess she has forbid the kids to tell either me or DH. I don't understand that as we think it is GREAT!
I also just found out a couple of weeks ago that DH had only been broken up with BM for a few months when we first began dating - not a few YEARS like he had told me back then. This has made things a LOT more clear to me (BM's psychotic behavior, etc.). I had a talk with him the other night about how, with their relationship being so on/off all the time, that BM never got any closure and maybe that's why she was so vindictive towards us.
Anyway, I would like to send her a Congrats card from me and DH. On one hand, I would like to extend the olive branch and hope that the remaining few years of skids being minors will be relatively "smooth sailing." On the other hand, I have to be truthful and say that I think it would be a funny (to me) way for her to find out that we know about her marriage and think it's great. But mostly I want to do it because I am truly happy that she may be able to get on with her life, finally and leave us alone.
My husband doesn't think it is a good idea because he feels that if she isn't thinking about us, wonderful - why remind her?
I just don't know if this would be taken as a peace treaty or if BM would freak out about it. I would like your opinions to try to see it from different perspectives.
What do you think? Would you do this if you were in our position? Why/why not?
- Log in to post comments
Shell be showing soon enough
Shell be showing soon enough and it will be hard for someone not to notice.
Then I would extend my well wishes but not before then so that she has no reason to add any more drama in your lives.
I wouldn't do anything. She
I wouldn't do anything. She hasn't told you what you know, so in no way would she receive your card as a true congratulations or an olive branch. It would likely be received as an "IN YOUR FACE...I KNOW YOUR PRIVATE BUSINESS" thing. It has nothing to do with your DH's relationship with his kids. I'd leave it alone.
OK - I got the point, loud
OK - I got the point, loud and clear. I just keep thinking that there is a rational part of this BM that I can appeal to.
But there hasn't been up until now and everyone knows that pregnancy hormones don't make a person any more sane than they were.
I guess I have never felt sorry for BM before and now that I have found out that they weren't broken up for too long before me, I can understand how that would send a person who was unstable to begin with off the deep end.
Well, for what it's worth, I will let all of YOU know that I wish our BM well with her hubby and new baby to be! (And PLEASE leave us alone now!!)
You said: On the other hand,
You said: On the other hand, I have to be truthful and say that I think it would be a funny (to me) way for her to find out that we know about her marriage and think it's great.
I suspect that you know this is this the major motive. Why start something? It's been smooth sailing. Why rock the boat?
I posted in an thread a few days ago about my former addiction to drama. I literally was addicted to the chaos and the drama of my life. It had been that way for so long, the quiet terrified me. I didn't know how to be "normal".
A very wise friend once told me that I "create drama in my life when I get bored".
Are you very sure this doesn't apply? I took a test in Steven Covey's Seven Habits to see if I suffered from what he terms the "urgency addiction". And I scored high on every single point. I love being superwomen and solving problems. I love the high I get from handling all the crap that life throws at me. I was literally addicted to the rush of solving crisis'. And when there was no crisis to solve, I didn't know what to do. So I searched out drama. It kind of sounds like you might be doing the same.
I would just advise that you stop before you do anything and be really honest with yourself. You said your DH doesn't think it's a good idea. It's his ex. Ask yourself why you would even consider it.
I really hope I didn't come
I really hope I didn't come across snarky. I wasn't trying to. But when I read that it had been smooth sailing, my heart kind of skipped a beat. That's how it's been here. And I still catch myself wanting to screw that up.
Maybe the marriage and the baby will be a distraction for your BM. My husband's ex isn't remarried, but she has a fairly serious boyfriend. That has really helped redirect her attention from us (well, me) to her "fiance".
Well it HASN'T really been
Well it HASN'T really been smooth sailing, although things aren't as bad now as they were before. I think BM has been preoccupied now with her own life.
I do agree that I, like you, like to solve problems to feel useful. But I also guess I always thought that me, DH and our 3 kids (his 2, my 1) would be a happy blended family and that BM would be happy that DH found someone who cares so much for their children.
Now, if it were a few years ago, I would have sent a card saying, "...and I hope that the mother of his children has as much influence on YOUR marriage as you have had on ours." but like I said, I actually have empathy for her now. I guess I would rather not but maybe its just part of maturing.
IMHO: Mind your biz. If you
IMHO: Mind your biz. If you don't want her in yours. If it were a role reversal would you appreciate it if she sent a card showing that she knew something that is private and has nothing to do w/you just because you were privy to some info that you didn't want her to know? I know you weren't trying to be snarky but I would just go have myself a flippin' party that she was going to busier w/her own stuff and will have less time to cause trouble. wink, wink
I wouldn't say anything-and
I wouldn't say anything-and when/if you see her and she's showing you can congratulate.
Honestly-I think your story is more common than we think...and it's sad-because honestly the biggest problem in your marriage was the fact that you were LIED to. It's understandable you would deal w/more grief if it was a recent breakup vs some years. And he didn't give you the option of going in this with eyes wide open-he held back the truth-and it hurt you. And that's really a huge breach of trust.
Yes, I have had it out with
Yes, I have had it out with DH over this. He says that he never said that. Ummm - I know that I would NEVER have gone into a relationship with him had he said a couple of months! It took a lot for me to overlook the fact that he had kids - I sure as heck wasn't going to be involved with someone who just broke up with his baby mama. I'm no homewrecker and never wanted to be thought of that way.
I told him, yes you DID say that to me. He said he was "mistaken" if he did say that and he MEANT to say a couple of months. :jawdrop:
Of course, that was not what I wanted or needed. After 11 years together, 9 of which were absolute hell and so much $$ going to lawyers - what I wanted was at least an apology from him.
Oh I would be so mad...he put
Oh I would be so mad...he put you through that while deliberately lying to you to make HIS life easier. What a Sh*t bag...sorry but that's VERY low.
In my DH's defense, he was
In my DH's defense, he was drunk when he said this, but still..
He will have a heck of a time living this one down with me, for sure. Especially with all our talk about how much BM lies and how our relationship is built on truth, etc, etc, etc.