Should I feel guilt for not talking to SD?? Because I don't!
SD14 lives w/ us full time for the past 1.5 years. before she was with us PT we "got" long. I think this is because she was able to FAKE how wonderful she was! Now that she has stayed; her attitude has now joined the family. I won't go into detail....lightly; is OPEN w/ boys, sneaks out, has done drugs and drank; steals from stores, lies about EVERYTHING she possibly can. I don't even trust her to cross the street. Needless to say; I cannot even look at her let alone have a conversation. DH and I have gone round and round about this. And I think we have agreed to just let it go. I don't want to be her mother; I have tried but she always stabs me in the back; she has gotten my bestf and I in so many fights; then bestf finally woke up!! I just don't even want to sit with them at dinner, if she comes in the room I leave; I don't go anywhere she is. I just don't trust her! Is this wrong; how would you handle this??
I dont think you should feel
I dont think you should feel guilty-but i am not sure it is the best thing either. My ss13 LOVES it when I ignore him-it makes him want to be at our house more. It also seems to make his attitude worse as in if I leave the room when he comes in it gives him the power to make me disappear. I ignored him for a long time and am just now grasping how much he hates it when I engage him.
So I've been trying to be all up in his business. Did you brush your teeth? Did you wash your clothes? How come you didnt wish your dad happy father's day? Etc. He hates it. He either leaves the room himself or freaks out and starts screaming and acting like an idiot which my dh does step up to the plate and punish (dh does not punish for more passive/subtle signs of disrespect) so ss really has to be out and out yelling and being hateful-which he will do frequently when I engage him.
My hope is tht ss will eventually alter his behavior when he sees that I am going to ride his ass constantly about it and that dh is going to punish him every time he is blatantly disrespectful. Either that or he will just refuse to visit any longer.
I do not make pleasant conversation with him; however, if he were willing to do so then I would respond in kind.
LMAO! I so LOVE that you have
LMAO! I so LOVE that you have figured out his buttons. I can totally see how in some cases, disengaging is what they brats want! Makes life easier for them, especially if you have a guilty daddy in your house like far too many of us do.
Good for you, I'm glad you
Good for you, I'm glad you found something that works in your situation.
With me, I disengaged because DW always sides with SD17 over me. If I ever tried to "get into her business," then DW would just give me the old "you're being too critical" routine. Although I do not like ceding control to SD17, I have found that it is the least negative choice among a bunch of bad options.
Thankfully I am away from home a lot for work. I haven't had to deal with SD17 in several months, and may not even see here until October (fingers crossed).
I don't think you should feel
I don't think you should feel bad for not trusting your SD or wanting to be in the same room as her. I feel that exact same way with my SD11. We don't talk and the only time we are in the same room as each other is when BF is home. Other than that we don't interact much. She lost all of my trust this past visit. No one to blame but herself. I get so sick of hearing, "she is just a kid, or it's her mother's fault", she is plenty old enough to know the consequences of her actions and to think on her own. BF still has a ways to go to understand why it is the way it is with SD11. Today was not a good day for disengaging from her for me.
At 14, she's still teachable.
At 14, she's still teachable. Time to cut out your privileges. Check out the book "have a new kid by Friday" by Kevin Lehman. Lots of great ways to deal with trouble teens. Another good book is "Age of Opportunity" by Paul David Tripp. good one for building a better relationship with them. These guys know what they're talking about.