You are here

Should 50/50 custody be standard?

onthefence2's picture

Recently on here some of you commented on how your dh's wouldn't be able to handle the kids 50/50 or that they depend on you to do most of the work. There is a lot of talk about presuming 50/50 custody in men's circles and I wondered what you all thought about it. Should both parents share time with the kids equally?

saramichele89's picture

I don't think 50/50 custody should be standard. I believe a kid should have a place to call home. Consistency is very important and it creates chaos when time is equally shared. My Sons dad has him every other weekend and every Wednesday and it works out great. That Wednesday gives his dad that extra time in between that break and this schedule allows me to manage his school work totally and keep his behavior in check at school. They like to know what to expect. He loves to be with his dad so much and his dad doesn't really like the schedule, but he hasn't really thought much about his best interest in the past. He's only thought about the fact that he wants to be with his son. I understand totally... However I've told him that he can pick him up after homework and take him to dinner some nights if he misses him but he never does. He just wants the "custody" of him. Defend his rights as a father I guess but it's better that a child is in one home primarily, visitation to other parent maybe more like 70/30.

Lalena75's picture

I think it should be a really long thought out decision. SO wanted sole but I knew he'd never get more than 50/50 (not unless BM went to jail or abandoned them) But I was clear they were HIS responsibility and held him to it. He has to ask me to watch his kids, every time he wants to do something, make a decision on the kids weeks HE has to solve the problem and leave me out of it. When he whines about how I won't do whatever I remind him they are NOT my kids, I have no legal responsibility nor biological connection. That they are HIS kids he wanted them 50/50 then he HAS to be their parent I will be his supporting role but I'm not his co-star.
50/50 was not an option for my kids, their dad was horribly abusive mentally and emotionally and had started in on the kids. His pot and his "friends" were his priority and regularly he'd ditch the kids for other plans so I gave him a choice give me sole custody and I won't bring up the pot in court or quit and go for 50/50. Instead he just screamed at me for taking all the tax return since I would have them 98% of the time and pay waaaay over half their living expenses. That was the absolutely only argument he had to the divorce and custody, he wanted that earned income credit. He still (4 years later) harasses me at tax time this year is the first time he hasn't course he's also not paying cs or anything else.

Anon2009's picture

I think it should be decided on a case-by-case basis. It really depends on all the people involved and what they're like. If it works for the kid, great. But I know that for me, I really benefitted from the routine of doing my homework at the same place, the same sleep routine and other routines.

z3girl's picture

I think it should be a case by case basis. My DH said there was no way he could have had SD 50/50. Knowing how he is with our own children, he would feel the same way if we split. He is not particularly active in their day-to-day care. EOWe would suit him perfectly. I don't think he'd even bother with dinner one evening a week. He would say he wants to, but with how he acts after work, I know he would feel it's too much of a hassle.

I think men who are not as involved in the little things would not do well with 50/50.

I know of a guy who had 50/50 with his kids 15 years ago. They did 2 days on, 2 days off. The parents lived in the same town, and it sounded crazy when I heard the schedule. The kids were told at 14 they could change the schedule, but they chose to keep it. I guess it's different for everybody.

Disneyfan's picture

Sexism????

People aren't saying dads shouldn't have 50/50 just because they are men. They are saying they shouldn't have 50/50 if they aren't able/willing to parent their kids during their time. If they are going to dump their responsibilities onto the new wife, that isn't parenting. If they can't juggle work and parenting, then they shouldn't have 50/50. I think the same applies to mothers.

The kid should be with the parent who can cook meals, provide transportation, assist with homework, attend school conferences, get the kid to the doctors....without depending on the new wife/husband or grandma to ALWAYS do these things for him/her. It's one thing to have help when you're in a pinch. But that's not the same as having SM running around playing taxi, nanny, housekeeper...

Rags's picture

No, 50/50 should not be standard IMHO. One parent is nearly always a better parent, or a better provider than the other. Both of these characteristics should be considered when establishing custody and visitation.

The parent most capable of both parenting and providing for the kid should be the CP.

IMHO of course.

Anon2009's picture

I agree-50/50 physical custody seems to be too much bouncing around.

Whoever takes better care of the kids should get primary physical custody.

JacksGal's picture

I don't think it should be the norm. Kids need routine and consistency in parenting. If both parents get along and are on the same page, then it can work. If one parent allows the child to do things not allowed at the other home, it doesn't give the child a stable foundation. In many cases, the child will learn how to "game" the system to suit their needs. That may not bode well for them when they grow up.

onthefence2's picture

Thank you all for the responses. Honestly, I think SM's are the ones the courts should seek for advice! I was a SM for 8 years but now am single w/ an awesome bf who fought like mad for full custody of his son (against a crazy bm w/ BPD (so says the psych eval)). He is a great father and I do see where full custody should have gone to him, but he ended up w/ 50/50. I also dated a man who WANTS 50/50 (w/ ANOTHER BPD bm) who would not be a good candidate, imo. He wanted it...get this...so he didn't have to pay bm out the nose for child support! Big surprise, right?

It is rare to find a man who really wants to parent their children. Most men who are fighting for more than EOW are really just looking to lower their child support. The truth is, one parent typically does all the "kid" work, and it's typically the mom. Even when both parents work, the mom usually takes care of all the kid stuff. So it doesn't make sense to me that so many men let the women take care of this role, but then when they split, all of a sudden they want to do it? No...it's about money. Men blame their exes for just wanting their money, but it goes both ways.

I do receive cs from my ex, and the money DOES go for my kids. They have a good life, nice home, LOTS of activities, but I guarantee you that their dad is complaining to people about the amount of money he has to pay ME because he doesn't get to spend it himself. And the thing is, if he were the full time parent they wouldn't get to do anything except Disney crap.

Obviously every situation is different. I know a lot of you cover for your SO's OFTEN. And I know a lot of you have crazy bm's you have to deal with and you wonder how she ever got any sort of custody. I think the courts hardly ever get it right, but I don't think swinging in the other direction is the answer, either. Either way it swings, it seems money is the motivator, which is sad. The crazier the ex, the more money it's going to cost, too.

stepinhell617's picture

50/50 should not be standard- my SS is bounced around like a ping pong ball. He needs more consistent routine and by the time he settles in it is time to go to the other house... Bio parents get along well, both are good parents, live in the same neighborhood but each house is different with different rules and expectations. DH works and BM is a SAHM, on weekdays SS sees BD for a few hours before bed and that is it. For many reasons I believe it is in SS's best interest to be with BM full time.