Well - my first thought when I read your post was: If BM is on disability (maybe $800/ month) and husband is unemployed, how in the world are 4 people living on $1600 a month? Certainly they aren't living high on the hog.

In general, Child Support is *supposed* to go for living expenses, such as rent, utilities, food, etc. You and your ex split time equally, so you are each paying an equal amount to care for your DD (roughly) - whereas BM is caring for the skids the majority of time, so needs that money to keep a roof over their heads.

So I don't see it as them having tons of extra money to buy stuff with, on DH's dime.  In YOUR case anyway.

Well, child support is what it is so stop driving yourself crazy by obsessing over it and focus on what you can control, which is YOUR money and what YOU do with it. This is easy for me to say because my husband is done with CS! I do know how you feel, though.

Your husband paying child support should not affect your daughter and I don't see how it's not fair to her, or why you would need to make it up to her because your husband pays child support. Unless your husband is not paying his share of your shared bills and this is causing financial hardship.

If he is paying his share of the bills and he has nothing left over for extras for his kids, that is not your problem.

It is not your responsibility to buy things for his kids and you can certainly do for your daughter what you want. I wouldn't rub it in your step kids' faces but you are not their parent and your husband needs to teach them some manners regarding them asking you questions about what you buy for your daughter, they are not toddlers. They also know that they have a mom and a dad and you are neither.

So, what age do you feel is appropriate to discuss the basics of child support with kids? Because your husband has every right to let them know that he is NOT a dead beat dad and that he DOES pay for them.

Do his kids not know he pays child support? He’s doing them (or himself rather) a disservice by not being honest with them that BM gets money for them every month.  They’ll grow up thinking that ‘mummy did EVERYTHING’, and also thinking it’s normal for dads not to contribute. Neither of which are true.

I got over the annoyance of CS by making it clear in my head that it’s for the boys, not BM, and it’s DH’s obligation as their dad to support them. Which it is. I wouldn’t want to be with him if he was neglecting his kids, so there’s that. 

You shouldn’t feel obligated to buy his kids anything, nor should you feel guilty for buying things for your DD! She’s your kid, and if they question you tell them you buy your DD things the same way their parents buy them things. If they’re holding their hands out expecting things from you tell them they’re being rude.

I'm sorry maybe I'm reading too far in between the lines here, but it comes across that you are resentful that his ex figured out a way to bilk the system, and that if he had that extra 800 a month he should be spending it on you and your kid.

You both have separate accounts, therefore you only pay for you and your daughter. Your DH pays for him and his kids, so even if he wasn't paying his ex 800 per month, that wouldn't be spent on you anyway, it would be spent on him and his kids.

I get the resentment. But what can you do about it? Nothing. 

Suggest you find a way to stop focusing so much headspace and emotional energy on something you can’t change. 

And I agree with others that it’s fine, and healthy, that his kids knows he pays child support every month, in an age appropriate way. 

and I totally understand your feelings. However, I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt about buying your daughter things. As others have said above, it is very cheeky of the stepchildren to even query you on this. I would answer them next time with a curt 'none of your business'.

Why is the amount of CS and the fact DH pays it to their mother kept secret from them? In our situation, once the skids were old enough, we made them acutely aware of exactly what DH was paying BM. We had had enough of hearing 'isn't mum the best? She bought me an Apple Macbook, Sony noise cancelling headphones, drums, etc etc'. Erm, no she didn't. WE DID with the King's ransom she gets from us.

The deck is stacked so heavily in favour of BMs with child support that it isn't even worth thinking about because it cannot be changed. In our situation, SD17 has just moved back to BM's after living with us full time. Mummykins was obviously straight on to child support despite the fact that DH paid off the family home that she lives in and is now mortgage free, whereas we are not. She, like your BM doesn't work as she was able to live very comfortably on ther child support that she got from DH.

We did have a little win though yesterday. BM presumed that the ridiculously generous Parenting Order would be reinstated and she would be once again receiving a monthly pot of gold courtesy of DH as SD is back living with her. Nope. Due to the fact the skids lived with us for a couple of years, those Court Orders have now lapsed and she will get whatever child support is calculated by the CSA. It will still be a lot as DH is high income but nowhere near what she used to receive.

The whole thing is sickening especially as we were told that our baby son won't reduce what BM receives by much at all. We are lucky in a sense because DH earns good money. I feel very sorry for the fathers who are on low incomes and really struggle due to their money going out the door to fund an ungrateful, lazy BM.

I do understand where you are coming from, we were paying almost 800 per month to a meth addict for 1 kid.  I had to pretend it was a shitty bill we had to pay because thinking about meth mouth using our money to fund her drug addiction was more than I could take.  

All I was trying to convey is that even if your DH had 50/50 and was only paying 400 a month to CS he still would not have more money to help with you or your daughter or household bills.  Because he would now be putting that extra 400 towards his kids while they were with you.

maybe consider a place to move that costs less and this way lessens your household bill obligations.  Also maybe set up a budget that makes sense and feels more equal for what you are paying versus him.

Most all of us have been in your shoes at one point or another and we understand I think we are just trying to let you know there is no happy answer to it.

Except it was $1000a month and half of everything she wanted and I too did 50/50 no child support with my ex.

Both of his kids turned 18 and child support ended and she is screwed and my steps have major problems .

my kids are great and healthy and happy and I make six figures now cause I kept climbing the ladder and working hard instead of living off the government and some man. 

His ex is. Is ooot and heavy in debt with zero retirement and I mean zero . Child support does end 

Your partner has to support his kids with maintenance. If you feel short changed in the pocket department with regards to your daughter you should have asked your ex for maintenance.

in my case it’s even worse. DH pays CS to BM while the boy is living with the ILs. They provide for the boy, drive him to the doctors, school etc etc.

BM likes to change men instead of taking care of her child. And she is visiting the boy at the ILs, having diners with them and drinking coffees (more money spent on her).

I was telling DH she had to take her kid back and have CS, or they both have to pay CS to the ILs. So many discussions, so much stress. It is unfair, especially that she pays tax as a single mom while for me the ILs have to be eligible for tax exemption, not her.

one day DH had no money to pay CS, so I did it, but I sent this money to the ILs instead of BM. Well, they gave this money to her I was so mad ! 

what helped me is total disengagement, I do not see the boy more than twice a year for Christmas and Easter, I do not ask about his news, do not talk to ILs either more than “now are you, I am fine thank you”. And as someone said above, I consider DH salary net of the CS. 

I do not have a room for the boy in my house, he already has one at ILs and BMs, so I refuse to pay a cent more in this craziness that they created. 

And I feel no guilt towards the boy, I go on vacation with my family only, which excludes this kid. But the kid has vacations with his BM and ILs, while my DD only goes with us. I buy her clothes and gifts, but the boy has so much more because my ILs like to spoil him and I do not allow the same for my DD. 

But my DD has and will continue to have a better education, better schools and everything, because I make a decent money. Is it fair to the boy ? I do not really care, after all he is coming from uneducated family and for him this life with a lot of toys and not much of responsibilities or studies is normal. Life is hard and unfair, so be it. 

I wish I could share with you a magic formula to get over it. I can't, unfortunately. I struggle with the same, and I don't even (yet) have to make up for DH not pulling his weight in our home as a result of his obligation. He pays his ex close to $6000 per month. This is approximately $5000 in maintenance and $1000 in CS. The maintenance was for 5 years. It will end on Feb 1, 2020, thankfully.  Hopefully she will not be able to go back to court and increase CS (due to his taxable income going up, which is what happens when maintenance ends as it is taxable to the recipient).

The tough part is DH lost his job a few months ago - ok no one here is going to feel sorry for me and I'm not asking them to, but it is tough because he is a VP level (hence the high amount of maintenance required) and is 53 and may not get another at that level. I struggle mightily with the fact he was a big breadwinner when married to HER. I do very well myself (director level but in the pharmaceutical industry that pays like VP in other industries) but cannot seem to get it out of my head the traditional roles.  And my ex is a POS who pays a paltry amount of CS for our last child under 18 - he is barely able to pay his half of our other two kids' college expenses and forget about splitting things like medical, sports etc. And believe me my kids know this - I refuse to cover for him when he has lived beyond his means and created a situation where he cannot pull his financial weight and is therefore less than a man.

DH and I have always kept our separate finances; we split the bills and I have never had to make up for what he pays his ex. But if he does not find a new job within the next 3-4 months, he will need to withdraw from our home equity line of credit. And I will insist that is what he does, because if he is still paying the bitch ex but not his share of our household, then effectively I would be paying her. NO F-ING WAY.  Because the maintenance ends in just a few more payments, it is not worth filing to end it.

I know anyone can lose a job; I am passionate about my career and would not be doing anything different with that whether I were married to ex-H, single, or married to DH. But if we get to the point he is either not finding a job and taps the HELOC and if he ends up settling for a job where I seriously out-earn him, I will have a very difficult time accepting this and while I'm ecstatic the maintenance is ending, I too will resent the CS. And I cannot get it out of my head his bitch ex was 'taken care of' while I have to be a "man" LOL :-) 

On the topic of what he tells his kids - I am a fan of showing the kids a spreadsheet outlining living expenses and matter of factly explaining everything including what he pays their useless mother. It is a fact and is not bad-mouthing.

In the end. Can you change this situation? Do you want to stay in the relationship?  Do you want to be happy?

Sometimes we just have to learn to accept what we cannot change.

You holding on to all this bitterness is like drinking poison in Hope's the other person dies.  

Stop giving her head space. Just think of that money as for his kids...not her. Or even that your husband just earns less.

Control what you can. Your dh should pay his share of Bill's. If he cant...either cut back or he needs to earn more.

I definitely understand how you feel! My DH paid $1200 a month CS for nearly two decades. (It never got adjusted in court because it originally was calculated based on BM's claim she was paying her mom $800/mo. to watch 2 SSs part-time--both were in school--which continued until oldest SS graduated at age 18 1/2.) BM in our case worked part-time and got to claim both SSs on her taxes every year. My DH drove 4 hours round-trip to get them every other Friday and 4 hours to return them every other Sunday, which was a huge cost in gas and tolls. Oh, and several thousand dollars for braces for EACH SS, plus medical insurance and 60% of what insurance didn't cover. Like you, I especially felt resentment when we had them in the summer and still had to pay $1200 a month despite having to pay for all their meals, etc. while with us (one year, we even paid for someone $500 a week to babysit them while we worked during the day!) I admit I used to drive myself crazy thinking about it, calculating how many more payments were left, how much more money it was. And it was especially hard seeing BM taking numerous vacations a year, driving a Mercedes, etc.

Our CS has been over for four years, and not only do I still get sick to my stomach thinking about it, I still sometimes think about how even today we're behind all our peers financially and will NEVER catch up. At the same time, I love my DH and I always said I'd rather have him and our life together than be without him, and we're about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I especially feel that way now that SKs are grown, and the only time they become an issue is a few times a year when they want MONEY, usually an amount still way less than we paid BM every MONTH, much less a year. I wish I could tell you just to hang on and one day it will be over, but I understand how hard it is when you're living it. My other solution was to work my tail off at my law firm, bringing in big bucks and working my way up to become owner, along with my DH, which offset the CS. Now that I'm 50 years old, however (I was 30 when DH and I married) I'm not sure that was worth it, as my own children with DH had to spend 10 hours a day in day care, and I missed out a lot of family time that I'll never get back. I definitely resent that SSs got to be cared for by grandparents (hey, just more good luck to BM) and she worked part-time. My DSs with DH are now 12 and 18. My best advice is to TRY not to think about it and just concentrate on being happy each day and knowing that someday, it will end. And I can tell you, it was one of the happiest days in my life when we paid our last CS payment!! Knowing that BM must finance her own trips, buy her own crap (DH paid off $20K of her credit card debt in the divorce!) makes me very happy. Hang in there!

BM here gets $1000/mo (which is a lot for Anti-Canada) in CS. The boys are covered under my insurance (and since I work for a hospital system, their care would be basically free if BM used that system versus going out of network). DH puts money away in each of their college accounts. We buy 90% of their clothes, shoes, school supplies, and extracurriculars (and no, that's not an exaggeration).

DH's CS is high enough to cover her rent, utilities, and internet bill. She works at a warehouse making $15/hour. DH covers all the other "big" expenses. BM makes or claims to make little enough that her portion of school fees and lunches are at a reduced rate. FIL bought her last vehicle (much to my chagrin), so she doesn't have a car payment. That literally leaves her with needing to pay for food, her cell phone (we covers OSS's bill), her own health insurance, gas, and car insurance. Yet, she's STILL constantly broke and we're STILL constantly paying for crap that CS should be used for.

I've tried finding compromise with DH, which has helped. The CS isn't going to change, and we've modified our life around that expense. But the extras? New rule: if it costs less than $20, she needs to pay for it. I'm tired of having to buy socks when she can pick up a pack at Walmart. If it's over $100, she needs to pay some portion of the bill. I don't care if it's a $10 contribution, I want HER to feel it, too.

Also, BM fought HARD to cut DH out, so he tends to let her suffer the fallout of those actions. She wants to make all the medical decisions without consulting DH first? Fine. She gets to run them to every appointment and figure out how to pay for their out-of-network copays. It's not worth fighting with her about it. It's so much easier to just not play her game.

I think she has recently come to terms with the fact that DH isn't bailing her out of her next stupid decision and that the boys will always have somewhere to live. DH had a conversation very early on with OSS about CS because BM was using that as a PAS tactic - and it prevented the PAS. I'm never against telling the kids the truth when they are being told a lie. No need to bring up adult issues out of nowhere, but when it's being used as a weapon, you have to disarm it. 

So, while I don't have kids of my own, I get it. It sucks, constantly upset at the next thing that has to be purchased while you count it out in your head and wonder why BM can't do it herself. My DH feels ultra-guilty at time because he and I make 6-figures, so we can afford a lifestyle that the boys don't get on the regular. I just keep reminding DH that's not our fault. She wanted the divorce. She was married to a man who didn't have a job while she didn't have a job for years. She continued her education but chose not to work in that field any longer. She has had AMPLE, and I do mean AMPLE, opportunities to turn around her life and not be the stereotypical outcome of a teen mom, but she decided that handouts were easier. DH decided hard work was better. I'm not going to feel guilty when we buy ourselves something nice or take a trip or whatever. If she were always trying and still stuck, I'd feel differently. But this is a bed of her own making.

So think of it that way. This is a bed of BM's making. Your kids are going to fair better because you and your XH work hard. It's not fair. It's not equitable. But it is life. Buy your kids the things YOU worked for to provide for them. If DH feels his own are short-changed, then he can get a second job, go for more custody, etc. He's at partial blame for this as he chose to reproduce with someone who cares more about herself than her kids. He's going to feel like a loser, and should. And I say that as someone who has told her own husband, in slightly nicer terms, the same. If he wanted better, he would have chosen better. But he thought with the wrong head, and here we all are. And that's not a judgment, just a reality of life that actions have consequences and some of those consequences are bigger than others.

So, look at CS like a long-term bill, compromise on what your DH wants to spend money on (or help him see that being an open bank account isn't changing their lives, it's just making him poorer), and do for your daughter what you have earned the right to do.

You say -  "and the arrangement they've made is that Mom will pay for stuff with money that Dad gave her_and the arrangement they've made is that Mom will pay for stuff with money that Dad gave her"

NO, and that is PAS.   The arrangement is that mom pays for rent, utilities, groceries, and if anything is left oer, then STUFF.   To imply to the kid that mom should be using all this money for clothes and Iphones is PAS plain and simple

ETA -- meant as reply to Tog

My DH pays more than that is spousal support and we still live well. It’s annoying he has to pay her but it doesn’t effect us that bad plus it doesn’t effect whst I spend on my DD.

How much does your DH make that he is in bad shape after paying 800? If he had kids living at home he’d spending more on them.

Why did he have two kids if 800 a month leaves him unable to pay bills? Why did you marry a guy who can’t oay bills because he pats CS? He needs better paying job or a second job. And he is not responsible for supporting your DD

if he doesn’t want to pay CS why wouldn’t he ask courts to give him more custody? He only sees kids that much and you complain he pays CS. What do you expect? He makes kids but don’t support them? Makes no sense. And before you say he is the only one supporting them, kids cost more than 800 a month. Who pays the rest? You have a belief that only women needs to support kids but that’s not how it works 

Haa no effect on CS payments. That CS is based on DH income.  Yes it BM was working, the kids would be in a better place.  And she could be paying for sine of the extras for the kids.  Then again there many BM who make good money but want to punish BF by taking anything they can get out of them.  

When you got together with your DH. You know CS was in the cards.  But NO one really know what steplife is until you live it. Just hope the SK respect you. And what you do for them.  

I don’t understand the. Don’t tell SK about support payments. That a fact of life.  They will know about it sometime. The early the better. 

OP this is how it will be until the kids are out of college. Your bm should get them into community college or a state college that will give them free school. I am very surprised you have not wrote that bm is trying to get diagnosis for the kids too. That is usually the plan when 1adult figures out how to play the system.

Kids should get free school lunches and maybe even free breakfast AND lunch. So...in effect BM only pays for dinner during the weeek and 3 meals on Sat and Sun WHEN kids are not with you. I totally understand you being upset.

Chances are fair that she also has foodstamps too, right?

YOU must decide what you want your life to look like from now until the end of time. Do I want to live like this?

Wow, the GUBM posse is well represented in this thread! "Suck it up cupcake, the mother deserves every penny she gets and it should be double. You are just another whiny stepmother! Get over yourself!"

OP, going forward, use blogs so you can delete those people who just want to hurl insults at you.

Don’t know what all this about.

Personally I only change what I can and don’t see why need to be angry about something I can’t change. My DH has to pay lazy ex. We can’t change it so why be angry.

But  I change what I can. I never supported and never will support skids or DH especially if it’s detrimental to my own child. I’d rather leave. 

OP chooses to absolve her ex or responsibilities and chooses to support DH and skids in detriment to her own child. Then she gets angry about it. Don’t do it if it makes you so angry. 

And such anger is not healthy. I recommend therapy 

OP. Are your obligations for household finances more than you fair share including your daughter? Do you pay more because your husband isn't paying his share? I mean you personally? Because what you save for your dad's education should not be impacted by what your dh pays to his ex. Either he is paying his way or he isnt.

If he is paying his way then it really shouldn't impact you.  

I know it is frustrating watching money go out the door to a lazy person. My DH's bm lived rent free with her bf paid zero bills... he even paid her car and insurance bills.  Only bill she had was cell phone...sometimes she bought groceries  but quite often we or my in laws sent the girls home with groceries.  She would even make my dh give her gas money to make the girls available for visitation. Could we have nailed her to the wall? Yeah...but it would have cost more and caused his girls more stress...so 

I get your vent. But other posters have points too. And in the end he has to pay it  so you need to not let it get to you

If it’s more than fair share then stop paying it. Especially if it means taking away from your child. DH has to figure the way to manage it. 

How can someone claim they are happy with their decisions when they created a thread about being obsessed, upset and angry? Clearly you aren’t happy with your decisions because your decisions cause your child to be deprived and you upset, resentful and angry. Don’t see any happiness there. 

If the amount of CS the husband (or wife) pays makes it so he/she is unable to pay the agreed upon split of household expenses, or put retirement savings at risk, it becomes a burden on the OP. You people are all trying to guess what someone's expenses are and what it costs to raise kids. OP has a right to be resentful as it is causing her to overpay because of what her DH pays the BM. Now I'm not saying this is productive; I am saying all you people who sit in judgment are thinking about this incorrectly. It isn't about the dollar amount it is about how it impacts their marriage/partnership. DieStiefMutter YOU ARE CORRECT don't listen to some of these judgmental idiots on here.

I know exactly how you are feeling and it sucks. I've been a SM for 14 years. I subsidized my DH and his kids for almost 10 of those years. It was a cause of a lot of resentment. The only thing that helped me was time and the approaching end date to CS. We only have 10 moths, 14 days and 16 hours to go. Hang in there. 

Jesus H. Christ, I am pretty sure that every single person on this site has had SOME amount of resentment about money going out of their household to an ex and I don't believe anybody who says they haven't.

Yes, we all believe people should support their kids. But we also know that some men get screwed when it comes to CS, that some BMs play the system, and that a lot of kids get caught in the middle. It is ALL very frustrating and OP has every right to voice that frustration and look for help in trying to deal with it. That is all she is trying to do.

Geez.

The child support systems in various countries were put In place (partly) to prevent children living in abject poverty. Whether we like it or not it exists and is more often than not a good thing. It is flawed like any system. I was pleased when my partner didn’t have to pay child support anymore. Money never went on what it was supposed to, like bio mum never paid the college bus fare because she paid one of her credit cards so we had step son phoning up asking for lifts. One of many examples.