My boyfriend lives with me and my two kids from my previous marriage, and we have one child together. He is an awesome stepfather and I thank God for him every day. I think the secret to our success is that he doesn't act as a disciplinarian. I set the rules for my children, and he supports them. When there are things they do that go against his grain, we talk about them. Then I handle what ever needs to be handled with the kids. I speak with the kids about these issues in general behavioral terms, so they don't know they did or said something that lead my boyfriend to come to me. This way, he's never the bad guy and resentment aginst him doesn't build.
Also, he's very sensitive to the fact that they've gone through so much. He handles them with compassion and patience. He takes a genuine interest in their lives and sees them for the amazing individuals they are. He puts their best interests first in every situation.
It IS possible to have a successful stepfamily! It just takes behaving with patience and sensitivity. My kids know their feelings are respected and that makes them behave with more compassion themselves.

Welcome to the forum and PLEASE don’t take my comments the wrong way but…I think it is a VERY DIFFERENT situation for step fathers than it is for step mothers…Don’t get me wrong, I also love my family and I’m one of the few people (it appears from the poll) who would marry my husband (and therefore the crazy Exs) IN A HEARTBEAT over again knowing what I know…HOWEVER b/c of the roles that women have vs. the roles that men have, I think we have it a little more difficult…for example…when we have the stepkids…we are the “mom of the house” even if we are not the mom by blood…that means a lot of cooking the meals, giving the baths etc… I’ve often told my husband that I often feel like he is “helping me” raise my kids not the other way around…I believe in the more “traditional” gender roles and also my husband has girls so he’d prefer that I bathe them (he does iron all of our clothes while I wrestle them into the tub) but even in that it is a lot easier to sit on the couch and iron while watching t.v. then it is to give two baths, take one shower and brush three sets of teeth….the same with meal time…on the weekends I feel like I spend the entire weekend either preparing a meal, serving a meal or preparing to prepare a meal…he can take the kids outside with him while he cuts and edges the lawn and they can just play on the swing or ride their scooters and he is still in “solace” … I could go on and on but my bottom line is…b/c of the gender roles…stepfamilies are different for stepmoms…

LOVE THE STORE! GREAT IDEA! However, in looking through the cards...I noticed you used the terms "step" mom and "real" mom...I don't like that so much...just my two cents...

The site is here for people to share their problems and vent about the struggle they find themselves in being a part of a blended family. We are here for support. Speaking for myself, I didn't find it necessary to first explain how wonderful my husband is, or how much I enjoy my kids and my step-daughter. I need support and advice on the times that I struggle. My husband is an amazing step-father, taking responsibility for two boys who are not his, and whose father is not really in their life. My step-daughter is good, moral, decent person, she is kind, athletic, loves animals and I adore her. I also cry alone in my room when she tells me she doesn't want me. She only wants her dad. Do I blame her? No. Is it her fault she is in this position? No. Do I go out and give her a hard time? No. I suck it up and keep it myself and discuss it with my husband and try and deal the best I can

Ha Ha.. Sorry, had to laugh, I just pictured my daughter going to school with an "I love my step dad" t-shirt on.. I see you can make your own too, how about an "I feel for my husbands ex, this must all be very hard for her" or one for the ex: "I understand that I need to leave my husband to get on with his life" and one more for the SKids.. "My step mother is 100% stable - NOT" Ohhh, in a perfect Burberry clad world... Meanwhile, back on planet Earth..... (No offence, just my nasty British humour getting the better of me again.. ;0)

I love Skids and my husband (BF) very much, I don't have any children of my own though want them dearly--to be brutally honest I *think* I would love my own with a different kind of oomph (because they would have my blood, and look like me, it's biological!) but it doesn't one whit take away from my joy in and unconditional love of my two sKids. I would feel the same pain if anything ever happened to them as anyone else I truly love, and want the same joy of life for them as anyone else I truly love. And in caring for them even as a Smom I have become bonded to them in a way that I have not bonded to any other person; I am a parent to them even if I am not their mom. For me, the pain comes with the presence of the Ex, BM, who is not an evil person at all, not my kind of person mind you, but a good person at bottom, but whose presence in my life is when you get down to it unwelcome--this is my first marriage and I didn't envision Prince Charming dragging along an Ex! Her presence, and that of her family and friends, and the always present ballandchain of the fact of her past with BF, creates a kind of unending un-ease that is very stressful. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I married my husband! We have (finally and mostly) drawn healthy boundaries; at the same time I live very carefully by my first principles of "get along with BM because it's good for the children." But no matter how much I love my Skids and want the best, those deep down feelings of "I wish it could be just me and BF and Skids" are THERE and thank goodness for this site so that I can shed some of that stress in a healthy way. And I have to say there is a special hell for SMoms who truly love their Skids and who don't have any biological kids of their own, but want them (and who are getting older and older and older in the meantime). So, yes, my Skids are darling people, we are bonded and I love love love being part of their lives, but MAN THIS STUFF IS STILL REALLY HARD!!

This is a great topic afamilylikeyours! To be perfectly honest I don't even know a nuclear family that doesn't have it's share of problems. My blended family and relationship with my husband now are a lot more stable than the family and relationship I had with my ex. Yet it has been no piece of cake trying to "blend" our stepfamily together. We both have 7 year old girls who are very competetive for attention which was a big source for arguments in the beginning. (I also have a 9 year old son and a 6 mo son)Having four children at 29 isn't easy...I basically have no life other than them.

Our relationship and our relationship with in laws would be a lot easier if it was just "his kids" or "my kids" not both together. When you both have kids from previous marriages it is a whole new ballgame. We have had many success stories over the few years but many more failures. No matter what we have grown stronger and that is what matters. But I agree with Gwen...THIS STUFF IS STILL REALLY HARD!!

Hubby is a wonderful step-dad!! My kids love him to death!! It's alot of work for him!! They make messes, bring extra kids around, make noise, sibling rivalry, always need a drive somewhere, the list goes on!! So for him to take on all this ruckuss at a stage in his life where he would other wise be an empty nester..enjoying peace and tranquility at his leisure.. I give him sooooooo much credit!!! But he does seem to enjoy it, as well!!

It does seem that Step-dads do have it easier...as far as thier role being more acceptable than a step-mom's. The dynamics are different!!

My name is lovin-life because I really do love my love. I was so not loving life when I was married the first time. I love this man..he makes me so happy. You guys here the worst of it!!!! The fact is step-families are not always easy........ doesn't mean we are all miserable...all the time....

But here is where we feel safe to gripe about all the little and big things that bothers us...

I agree that is a differnet role as a step mom. My dh ex and her mother have made the comments on several occassions that my SD should not refer to my as step mom ....she has a mom. I am kind to my SD and treat her the same way my bio son is treated (he is just a baby though). SD was very involved in the planning of our wedding, in the pregnancy and birth of her brother. She loves her new family and simply adores her brother...not one bit of jealousy.
I asked my Dh if his ex gets married will he allowed Sd to call the new man her step dad and his answer was"Of course that is what he will be to her". Men don't feel that same insecurites as woman do. I am no threat to her. I am not my Sd mom I am her step mom. I do art and bake with erh for her mom , listen to all the stories of when mommy and daddy were married (she can't rememeber she was only 1 1/2 when it ended but someone else likes to remind her) and make her call her mommy back when she didn't say a proper good bye.
So I think it is differnt from a man's persceptive. Sometimes the EX's just don't make it easy for us.