seeking advice on custody modification
DH & I are getting ready to present our attorney with a new parenting plan for custody modification. Original CO is WAY too ambiguous as we are dealing with a BPD/NPD BM. What advice can you all give me regarding setting very firm boundaries for visitation, telephone access, vacations, holidays, access to school & medical records, extracurriculars, etc.? I know this subject has been on these boards before (long-time lurker here) but I can't seem to find the blogs I'm looking for. Keep in mind that we are dealing with a very difficult BM, similar to the type so many of you blog about here, if not worse. Like, if BM is given an inch, she takes a mile. Like, rules only apply to us, not her. You know the type. Therefore, I need very precise language in this new CO, absolutely no wiggle room. Also, what do you wish you had in your CO but isn't? Finally, anyone had any luck with getting additional grandparent's visitation put into a CO? Thanks so much for your help!!
If you need the concrete
If you need the concrete rules, then you need to lay them out that way.
The things I wish we would've had in our CO from the start are:
1) Clear definitions on what defines "Spring Break", "Christmas Break", and "holiday weekends". We assumed that would be after school last day before break continuing to the evening prior to school resuming. BM defined it differently .. and we fought over EVERY single break.
2) Clear drop off/pick up times.
3) Clarification on any extracurricular costs beyond CS. BM and DH have an agreed upon amount of CS in their CO (based on state calculator guidelines), but there is no mention of extra costs.
4) There is a clause in the agreement that states visitation with either parent cannot interfere with previously scheduled activities .. meaning that if skids are enrolled in school, or other things, visitation should not interfere. I wish it wasn't there at all .. not that we ever interfered, but BM used this as an excuse to refuse visitation at all.
5) Clarification on what each parent is required to provide documentation-wise. Only because BM was living 1600 miles away for 8 months .. but BM would often just provide generic contact info for teachers/doctors/etc and make DH track down this info himself. It's much harder to do when you're not even living in the same state .. if BM would just have emailed the damn report cards, or whatever, it would've made everything easier. But because DH had to track it all down himself, he was regularly getting the information 3-4 weeks later than BM.
6) Definitions of notification for visitation/vacations/travel plans. BM regularly tried to deny DH's visitation because he didn't give her enough notice. Plans made 3+ months in advance were considered "impromptu" and "last minute" to her.
There's more .. I know it .. but that's just what comes to mind.
I would also make sure that
I would also make sure that Right of First Refusal is clearly laid out in the agreement. BM has tried this one on us as well .. having her mom or boyfriend watch the skids for extended periods instead of letting DH take them. She often decides that the girls bonding with her boyfriend is more important than spending time with their FATHER.
Also .. be clear about joint decision making powers for all medical, educational, legal, etc. items. Make sure each parent is required to provide pertinent info in ADVANCE of appointments and that both parents have a sufficient input before decisions are made.
I agree with the first right
I agree with the first right of refusal for babysitting but i would also put in something acknowledges and protects you as a parent. You should be allowed to b on all pick up lists authority for doctor appointments and anything needed just as your husband had.
I agree with the first right
I agree with the first right of refusal for babysitting but i would also put in something acknowledges and protects you as a parent. You should be allowed to b on all pick up lists authority for doctor appointments and anything needed just as your husband had.
I agree with the first right
I agree with the first right of refusal for babysitting but i would also put in something acknowledges and protects you as a parent. You should be allowed to b on all pick up lists authority for doctor appointments and anything needed just as your husband had.
Where pick up /drop off Will
Where pick up /drop off Will take place - school if possible. DH's CO said something like DH will pick up from BM ... she tried to say he had to pick up from wherever she was - including when she was 800 miles away visiting family.
Also who can pick up - BM was fine with whatever Tom, Dick or Harry doing her driving but did everything she could to say I couldn't pick up.
Thanks everyone for all your
Thanks everyone for all your help! Thanks to this site & reading about the issues that you all deal with, I already had some ideas of what to put in the new CO. We are drawing up the modification this weekend, but it looks like BM is gonna make us go back to court. Even though we live in a very pro-BM state, the judge is not going to like it that she refused to settle this in mediation so that may work in our favor. Wish us luck!