Resentment
So I need your help everyone! I have a very long story to tell but I am not going to give the full story- just a short paragraph to sum things up-
I have been involved in the DH, SD, BM triangle for about 6 years now & for the first 5 of them my DH let BM run the show- she called all the shots she told my SD12 & DH jump they both would say "how high" It was to the point of absolute craziness! Within the past year I have put up so many fights- I think I began standing up for myself because of our 2 daughters. My older one BD4 was becoming influenced my my SD nastiness and thought that is how she should act too! So I created distance between SD & BD's! I do not want SD as a role model for my little ones.
So within the past year I think DH has opened his eyes to see that SD & BM play him like a fiddle!!
The problem is that even though DH is doing his best now & his eyes are opening I still have so much resentment from the past! For 5 years I felt like I didn't matter as much as they did to him. How long will this resentment last? I do not want my marriage to end because of SD & BM! I still have so much pain & hurt inside....How do you guys cope?
Resentment is not a nice
Resentment is not a nice emotion. I have a lot of it to.
You do matter to your husband or you would not be married.
These situations are complicated and people come to things on their own. Atleast your husband is realizing things. That is better than someone that does not.
You cannot get back the past, I know what it is like to feel like you are on the backburner. However sometimes our own thoughts makes things worse than what they are. The constant negativity of things.
Again focus on yourself. Do things for you.
You need to forgive your husband and tell him how you have felt. Then you need to think in your head what types of efforts it would take on both your parts for you to feel like you are a priority in his life.
Maybe he needs help with setting boundaries with the BM. Maybe she threatneinge him and manupulated him all these years and he was trying to be strong? Who knows.
Focus on what you have.
Focus on your daughters.
Forgive each other.
Love each other,
Tell him that you love him and want to be put first.
jellybean2009 Thank you for
One thing that worked for
One thing that worked for both me and my SDs was getting counseling.
DH and I have primary custody of the kids so we enrolled them in individual counseling and that has helped them tremendously in dealing with their issues.
I also got counseling for myself because I needed help coping with being a stepparent.
What also really helped the SDs behavior was giving them each one-on-one time with DH. That helped to alleviate a lot of their jealousy towards me over time.
Your SD is probably hurting too. She was put in an adult position with authority by BM and DH and now that power has been taken from her. She is probably jealous that your BDs get to have DH around full-time, whereas she only gets to have him around part-time. So maybe giving her one-on-one time with Dad without you or your BDs present would help. Counseling might help her too.
I want you to read this article. It was written by a woman who is both a SD and a SM. She really does a good job of examining both sides, and it really helped me out a lot. I hope it can help you too:
http://www.steptogether.org/kidhaspoint.html
Thank you! That was a great
Thank you! That was a great article!
The sad part is that me & SD can have a great relationship if her mom "allowed it!" Most of the time BM makes her feel so guilty for our relationship I actually backoff...
Just an example-Year 4 of our marriage I took SD for a haircut- her BM had not taken her for one in over a year...so I took her to a trendy salon & we made a day of it! Well she was so thrilled & LOVED her hair so much- she called all her friends to tell them about her hair- it was so cute!!!...then switch day came around & she went back to BM- (we have her 4 days/wk) when she came back to us she said she was made fun of by her BM & her half sister (from her BM) so much that now she hated her hair!
I know SD feel like she needs to be loyal to her mom & gets very consumed by her BM guilting her- she's driven by it...so it has torn apart my relationship with SD
Thanks, anon. I hadn't read
Thanks, anon. I hadn't read that before. I especially liked this part:
"Too many times I see parents who simply throw their hands up in exasperation and figure there's nothing they can do about {you name it…insert problem here} because they're divorced and they are not confident enough to look a child straight in the eye and say “I’M YOUR PARENT! WHAT I SAY GOES! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE HERE 100% OF THE TIME OR .001% OF THE TIME, I'M STILL YOUR (FATHER/MOTHER)!” I don't think they know kids need that…desperately need that."
I think that's where about 99% of the skid behavioral problems come from.
Anon, that was an AMAAZING
Anon, that was an AMAAZING article!! I just read it and it really helped me put a lot of things in perspective with my SD15. I think I will actually try to "reach out" to SD15 and have a talk with her JUST LIKE the one that woman had with her SD. IMO, it will only help things, I certainly can't see how it would hurt. Thank you!!
You're welcome, Milomom! I
You're welcome, Milomom! I hope it helps the two of you the same way it my relationships with SDs!
I find that a lot of my more
I find that a lot of my more 'unpleasant' emotions can for me, be handled through writing it out. If you guys read some of my stuff it would curl your hair! Resentment was big, but in my journal I write out everything I edit here and in my real life.
It saved my sanity and is a good record, to see how far I have come. I like Livejournal because you can share your writings or keep it private.
I have to say, this makes me think of our 'vent' debate. I don't even call my SD names, but its kind of like soldiers say - 'I may not agree with what you say, but I defend to the death your right to say it'. I think we all have the right and obligation even sometimes to say what we really feel - if the situation is right.
I think truly free venting is very helpful, and ideally this would be a good place to do it but - it may best be done in private, unless you want to explain everything and deal with questions on it from people who have no idea how your life really is. So I just talk here and save my real vents for real life friends and my journal!
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
It helps me to discuss my
It helps me to discuss my resentment about SD and BM to DF. Of course I keep it somewhat mild for his sake. But I would say that venting to him is only a temporary fix for me. I feel better while I'm talking to him and immediately after, but a day or so later almost all of it comes back. Finding a real and permanent solution to my anger is my ultimate quest.