Relationship/sex question (NSFW) - please help
I know this isn't a usual topic on StepTalk, but I've read such good advice on here in the past that I'm giving this a shot in hopes that someone else has been where I am and may have some advice/insight. Thanks in advance.
I've been with my BF for almost a year and a half and for most of that time, our sex life has been great. But over the past several months, he pretty much only wants sex if he initiates it. If I initiate it, he's usually "too tired" or "has a headache". And now, I'm being woken up by the bed shaking from him masturbating. A few months back, I asked him why he was doing that - I don't understand why you would feel the need to masturbate when your partner is inches away. He said he "didn't want to wake me" and that it "helps him sleep." Well this morning, I woke up to him masturbating again. It was just a few minutes before our alarm was set to go off, so it sure wasn't to help him go back to sleep, and he didn't have to worry about waking me because we were getting up in a couple minutes anyway. After he was done, he cuddled up to me, and when I didn't respond, he didn't understand what was wrong. I understand that masturbation is a natural thing, but it really hurts when he chooses it over me. I would roll over and help him out, but to me, if he wanted my involvement he wouldn't be masturbating in the first place. This is a punch in the gut every single time, I feel like the most unattractive woman in the universe. Am I out of line? What do I do?
We have sex probably 5 times
We have sex probably 5 times a week. He orgasms, I do not.
I'm not sure, but I think
I'm not sure, but I think it's because I'm not "warmed up" and by the time I am warmed up, it's over :?
I would be really alarmed if
I would be really alarmed if you guys weren't having sex...
Hmmmm well maybe he just needs to "get the job done" and it's easier for him to do it real quick and be done with it.
I would flat out ask him.... why dont you wake me and let me take care of that for you?
This is a tricky dilemma,
This is a tricky dilemma, multiple things can be going on here.
Has he ever gotten you to climax, even once?
I became the broken sex bf when I was in a relationship where I just could not get her to climax.
I felt like there was no purpose 'using' her to get off, if she didn't get the full experience. I stopped making love with her, saw it as a waste of time. I figured that if I wanted to get off, it was quicker, cleaner and less of a let down if I just 'handled' it. Though I did not do it in bed with her.
A good long talk might be the best thing for both of you. I hope it's something as simple as what I had. We ended up talking, I took more time invested in her, without me getting off and after multiple times, we figured out how to 'get her' first. After that, I felt more confidant as a man (Yeah, yeah, I know) and we had relations more often and more fulfilling.
He sounds really selfish. I'd
He sounds really selfish. I'd have a serious talk with him and make it clear your needs are just as important as his. His lack of caring that you aren't climaxing is not ok.
In your situation, I wouldn't stand for this. Guys masturbate, not a big deal. But, turning you down for sex and then masturbating is weird.
I agree with this. He needs
I agree with this. He needs to make sure that your needs are being fulfilled as well as his own. And to turn down actual sex for lefty is very off. Is there a chance he is a sex addict?
He sounds really
He sounds really selfish.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yep. I would say this is the problem. He does not want to have to actually exert the energy to have real sex.
On a side note...he also may be discouraged because he is not satisfying you....
I would speak to him about
I would speak to him about why he is turning you down when you initiate it. I would also discuss this morning.
However him getting off additional times during the night and not waking you I wouldn't worry to much about. DH will do this to me at times and when we first got together he would wake me up to help...at this point I drive a decent amount for work and he knows that I am tired so unless it is before I pass out, or when I get up to go pee he lets me sleep. I honestly don't see a issue with this however we have a very healthy sex life meaning at least one a day he is home mainly at night and we both typically find pleasure mind you I have issues.
Maybe its because Im just
Maybe its because Im just bitter right now, but it sounds like he has a case of being selfish. Hes a grown man and he knows that hes getting way more than you. I would have a talk with him first and if nothing changes, knowing me, I would show him how it feels. Sometimes putting them in your shoes is the best way.
Hm. It seems to be a. pretty
Hm. It seems to be a. pretty common thing. I know DH does it sometimes when I sleep. Sometimes you just don't want to go through the exertion of sex. Sometimes I prefer my battery operated boyfriend to DH--you don't have to worry about pleasing the other person, just do your thing and you're done. He'll cuddle me after too.
The only time it annoys me is when it affects our time--as in he doesn't put out when I want it but expects me to when he does.
I fixed that problem after I with-held for two weeks, telling him I'm tired or I already "took care" of myself so no thank you. He got pissed at first, then desperate, so he came up with a solution (that used to be our solution until I got pregnant) of scheduling it twice a week. He chose the days too and on that day and the day before, we're not allowed to masturbate.
You get to a point where you don't get mad, just even.
I'm wondering how old you all
I'm wondering how old you all are. My bf is 41 and I'm still amazed that everything still works so well. We have amazing sex and he would be devestated if he was not satisying me. He can go again pretty quick if we both want to. But he has never masturbated in bed with me and (he says) he has not masturbated since we've been together. Sometimes we don't even have sex, and he's okay with that. I think this is normal. I don't think a man having sex 5 times per week AND masturbating with his woman next to him is anywhere near normal. I mean, find a freakin hobby!
I was married to a porn addict psychopath who would get out of bed after sex and watch porn all night and probably jerkin off to it, idk. So I've seen crazy. And this is pretty close, imo.
Shrug. DH is 36. I'm 24. We
Shrug. DH is 36. I'm 24.
We go at it twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.
I think it all depends on everyone's satisfaction with their individual relationships. I like porn, some women won't go near it, DH likes porn, some women would freak if their guy even watches it once in a while and they feel like they are being replaced, or cheated on--but how can I when I do the same thing? So what one person thinks is normal or acceptable, another may not.
So, judge it by your own baseline, as there isn't a general guideline in the sexual environment of homo sapiens. Is it rule 36? If you can think it, there's porn of it somewhere out there... that's how vast and strange human sexuality is.
For me, the only rule is, as long as whatever you do does not interfere with what I want, then I don't mind it.
It's weird, sometimes you also have to think about what you really want. Because once or twice when DH would do it while I was sleeping, I'd be like WTF I'm right here! in my half asleep state. But then I remember I'd tell him no anyway because I have to sleep, so it's like getting mad for no reason.
it does sound excessive and
it does sound excessive and compulsive on his part... there's something going on with him. maybe he wants to be caught, or something. or he's got some addictive thing with sex? lots of people masturbate, most do so without their partners ever accidently seeing it or walking in on it. there's lots of ways to have privacy and to "take care" of yourself without doing what he's doing. what he's doing it intentional, he wants you to see him... or something.
tell him how you feel, and what you need. Sounds like you need him to do that in private.
btw, many women do not have consistent orgasms from intercourse and require clitoral stimulation. it doesn't take that much effort on his part... is he responsive about your need for more "warm up" or play after sex?
lastly, I have to say you guys are having sex a lot! that's great!!! please don't feel like his masturbation reflects a flaw or deficit with you!!! his masturbation isn't about you or how satisfied he is with you!!!