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Red Flags or am I being unreasonable?

OGLINH's picture

Submitted by OGLINH on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 9:28pm

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My BF and I have been dating only four months and started planning a week-long summer vacation with my DD17 and his kids - 11, 7, 5. I was paying for the whole thing since I'm in a better financial situation. Since we started talking about it I have realized I will be miserable on this trip. He lets his 7 and 5 year old sleep with him when they're over, and they have no bedtimes (he won't budge on this). They also get to choose if they want to do things like summer camp. The resort has a wonderful program my daughter went to when she was little so I could do sport activities that would otherwise be impossible (golf, tennis, diving). The camp is half day so it's not like the kids get abandoned for the week.

I've realized that my expectation that I would go on vacation and sleep in the same bed as my bf and have some time together to do adult stuff wasn't going to happen. I would instead end up being the unpaid nanny with kids ruling the whole show. I cancelled the reservations, they are non-refundable starting Monday, before telling bf.

Since telling him he is upset that I didn't discuss it with him first (he has a point but I don't think there are any solutions to a happy vacation) and he has read this to mean I like him but not his kids. I think his kids are cute, but I can't stand the way he parent them where they run the show. I get that a lot of that comes from being guilty about being divorced, but I have little patience for kids without boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable? I've been divorced twice and have no desire to get married again, and I am content living with just me and DD. Any advice as to how to proceed with this relationship, what to avoid, ect, would be appreciated!

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 9:36pm

As you are paying for the entire vacation you get to cancel as you see fit.

And maybe you need to back off a little as you have only been dating 4 months yet you take on the burden of paying for EVERYONE. As far as your BF is concerned just tell him that you would expect him to sleep with you and not his kids. And you cannot expect the kids just to change a habit of a lifetime of sleeping with their dad JUST because you are the gf. Let him not see you QUITE so much. Make him want you. And if he doesn't, maybe he isn't someone to spend time with. Co-sleeping with a 7 and 5 yr old is certainly something that would ring alarm bells with me and not something I would allow in a long term relationship. Sure, date the guy and have all the co-sleeping you want when the kids aren't around.
Or is he looking for a mommy-replacement?

Lovethyme's picture

Submitted by Lovethyme on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 10:03pm

Oh please run. He wanted you to pay for him and his kids to go on vacation, but his kids get to run the show and you get no couple time.... Then he's mad that he wasn't consulted before you cancelled? If he wanted a vote he should have given you some vote weight on the festivities. Not only was he putting his kids before you on this trip - he was taking you for granted. Run. Run. Find better- you deserve it.

Never make someone a priority when you are only an option.

Lovethyme's picture

Submitted by Lovethyme on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 10:03pm

Oh please run. He wanted you to pay for him and his kids to go on vacation, but his kids get to run the show and you get no couple time.... Then he's mad that he wasn't consulted before you cancelled? If he wanted a vote he should have given you some vote weight on the festivities. Not only was he putting his kids before you on this trip - he was taking you for granted. Run. Run. Find better- you deserve it.

Never make someone a priority when you are only an option.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 10:07pm

If you're determined to proceed,then my advice is keep separate houses,separate finances and separate vacations with your respective children. It seems awfully early to me for there to be a family like vacation. It might be best for both of you to have a talk about your expectations around this relationship and the relationship you each want the other to have with your kids. And talk about expectations of what something like a vacation is going to be before you start planning it.

What are expectations about Christmas? Time, gifts, houses,, families. What are expectations about other holidays, birthdays, family events? Is this relationship going to be one where if he has his kids and has an emergency, he can ask you to watch them? Does he plan on bringing his kids to your house? Wll he bee willing to make them abide by the rules of your house if he does this? Is he willing to vacation without his kids? Is he expecting you to bond with his children, spend alone time with them and pay for activities or treats for them?

Personally, knowing what I know now, I would walk away from this guy. I have no respect for divorced dads that can't create boundaries with their children. The lack of bedtime, the kids making decisions that should be a parents choice... that wouldn't work for me at all. The co-sleeping at that age I find kind of creepy. Even not wanting marriage or a kid with the guy, I wouldn't stay because I would never want to live with him. I'd always be waiting to be told how I needed to understand or what I needed to sacrifice for his kids. And there are some pretty small kids there. It gets worse when then get to the teenage years. Usually you wind up with a mini-wife and that's not someone I'd be waiting around to see how Disney dad decided to not deal with. I'd be cutting my loses before I got super attached.

anafiodorova's picture

Submitted by anafiodorova on Sat, 06/15/2013 - 12:48am

Great advice ! Run and enjoy life! Go on that vacation dive, play tennis and smiles with your daughter and who knows you might meet somebody nice there! Enjoy your life!

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 06/15/2013 - 5:39am

You've only been with him for four months. Why in the world the world were you even thinking about footing the bill for that vacation???

This guy sounds like my sister and BIL. When they take their kids on a trip, it's a family trip and sticking them in a kids club is out of the question. They plan the week around the kids' likes and wants. If I'm vacationing with them (disney world), they give the kids the option of hanging out with me a bit but that's as far as they are willing go. If they want adult time,they leave the kids home.

You nor your BF are wrong, you just have different ideas of whatba family vacation looks like.

Sweetjennygirl's picture

Submitted by Sweetjennygirl on Sat, 06/15/2013 - 7:41am

Just another chiming in here...for all of the previously listed reasons, NO, you are NOT being unreasonable, and yes, this is a HUGE red flag!!! "Better get to gettin on your goodbye shoes...and GO!"

OGLINH's picture

Submitted by OGLINH on Sat, 06/15/2013 - 10:39pm

Thank you all for the feedback! I agree that it isn't wrong that he wants to spend the whole vacation with his kids, but it's not my thing. Even with my own daughter, four days at Disney doing only kids stuff was my limit. I can't imagine I could last four days with no-boundary kids. He has actually complained that his kids were driving him crazy after just three days with him. He has never taken a vacation with his kids since he's been divorced. This also made me realize that he doesn't visualize future events to see what might need addressing.

We spoke last night and he ended the call, upset. I haven't heard from him since (he usually communicates throughout the day). I'm thinking the relationship is beyond repair as I would need to back off a lot with spending time with his kids, and he is offended by that. I do think he's looking for a mommy replacement, but one willing to do everything his way!

IslandGal's picture

Submitted by IslandGal on Mon, 06/17/2013 - 1:38am

This is a HUGE RED FLAG to me!!

You absolutely did the right thing by cancelling it. For your DH to have such expectations of you after only 4 months? The man has no pride - no boundaries for his kids and is just seems like a real selfish asshole.

You are 1000 times better off without him and his kids.

Dump him - and dump him fast.

lil_lady's picture

Submitted by lil_lady on Mon, 06/17/2013 - 2:42am

RUN!!!

My FDH and I have recently started to try for a baby... I recently told him if I had to have a c-section I would consider having the baby in our bed while I recovered... He had let my SD sleep in the same bed and she was not out till 3. He is 100% against it and would go as far to get the baby out of a crib for me if he had to.

I would see the sleeping with the kids has a red flag let alone the whole other mess!

morris's picture

Submitted by morris on Fri, 06/21/2013 - 3:40pm

I agree! Run!! Run Fast!!
This guy is going to let you pay for his family vacation and tell you how it's going to work? And no couple time? No way! True, it's not fair to suddenly change things for his kids but he needs to re-address that. Big red flag! Any women who dares to enter that arrangement is asking for trouble. Even if the SK's don't catch on to the power they have over dad the dynamic will still be there and you will always feel like the extra wheel dragging along. Get out now!!!

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 06/21/2013 - 3:54pm

I am content living with just me and DD
______________________________________________________________________________________

Sweetie, you just answered your own question...

I wouldn't ever think of dating a man with such little boundaries with his kids.