One rule: He is the parent, and he handles all of the parenting tasks. You can "help" as requested, if you want to. That means he cooks for her, cleans up after her, gives her baths and deals with bedtime, toileting, discipline and everything else. (note, he has to actually discipline the child).
You get to be the fun person who happens to live with Daddy.
I would add as to disclipline, SO needs to catch kid being good and say positive things. If they only way a child gets attention is to misbehave, it will happen. Have age apprpriate books on hand, go to libary if you need to pick some out. IMHO, it is good to read for 1/2 hour before bedrtime. He needs to set up a routine. Has child been toilet trained? Even if child sleeps through the night at moms's house, DC WILL likely be getting up, at first as his house, he needs to think abou ti. it really helps if you do NOT keep unhealthy snacks in house (and that is good for all of you!). Keep fruits and vegetables. You cannot control other house
You need to get on the same page. For instance if he wants you to help out with stuff does that include being equal and respected with punishment and enforcing rules. Basically is you SO going to pull that is my kid you butt out card or treat you as and equal.
Will his kid come before you in your own home or will he make sure that the kid treat and respect you as an adult and parent figure.
That is the first thing you need to figure out before setting rules.
And the best post of the day (maybe year) goes to Tog. It is not your concern if the child does not eat healthy enough for you, or what she wears, or how smart she is, or how discipline she is or how loving she is to your SO. You are not responsible for how this child turns out. Her father and mother are the responsible ones.
Like Tog said...you get to be the nice fun friendly person that lives with her dad. Trust me…it will go much better this way as opposed to what some SMs do by trying to take over most aspects of the child.
The #1 rule I have for my SO is that he must back me up. If he disagrees with something I do with respect to his kids, he can mention that to me privately. To the kids, we are a united front.
Rule #2 is the kids sleep in their own beds. They can sleep with each other (and sometimes do), but SO is not to sleep with them.
Rule #3 is that he needs to discipline them. I will discipline also (I have his permission to do so and I'm alone with them from time to time so need that authority), but if he's there he needs to do the discipline.
Rule #4 is that BM doesn't dictate what goes on at our house, and if that means he has to stand up to her (he's non-confrontational, as many of these dads tend to be), then he has to stand up to her. BM is pretty good for the most part, but every now and then she tries to exert a little control and needs to be shut down.
I don't really care what they eat or what they wear or how much screen time he allows them. If they are decently behaved and respectful, I'm good. I don't mind doing a lot for them and assuming some parental duties - my SO picks up my slack in other areas, so I have no problem helping out a lot with the kids.
Don't cause conflict in front of the kids, DH does the heavy lifting and I help out when/where I can-- but HE is responsible for the lion share of the parenting, BM is not going to steamroll our house and marriage.
ever spent the night with her dad? If not you are going to need a transition period and to know what happens at mom's house. Does she bed share or sleep in the same room as mom? What does she eat? Does she have a lovey or other comfort item? Does she have a bedtime routine? Is she potty trained? Is she night potty trained (which is tough at three)?
I would normally say that what happens at dad's stays at dad's and vice versa but this is a very young child and kids this age have a routine. This is also prime time for separation anxiety and the terrible threes. Ground rules are great but need to be introduced slowly. For example, you don't want to say that he cannot sleep with the child if the child has never slept alone before. Or have strict food rules right away because it may take a few visits before she is even comfortable eating in the home let alone eating the way your household eats. I have a nephew who literally would not eat anywhere but at home until he was almost four. He would sit quietly and wait for everyone to be done but he would not eat. Kids are weird. They do weird things. Hell, my brother still won't poop in a public restroom and he is nearing 40 lol!
you and or you and SO, set your household rules. She is 3 yo. You don’t need that many rules for a 3 yo. Her father will cook, dress ect her, his kid he wants her. He has to be home to take care of her. No picking her up dumping her on youn as he goes golfing. If he has to work, she goes back to BM. She gets her own bed in her own space. And that where she sleep bt herself. She will eat what ever DH makes for her. She has a bed time. Like 8 pm. Kids need there sleep, no up until 11 pm . She not allowed in your bed. Not allowed to touch or play with your personal things.
When I got my first giant dog, the breeder told me if I didn't want a 140 pound dog on the couch, don't let a 20 pound one on. Not saying your SD shouldnt be allowed on the couch, but it is worlds easier to never let a child do something than it is for them to do it and get used to it, only to change the rules.
Make sure that you set clear boundaries on your spaces and belongings that you don't want messed with. I never thought to with my Skids, not realizing their parents never did. So now I have people all up in my shit and I hate it.
1. The marriage comes first and is the only top priority. PERIOD. Kids do not trump the marriage or each other. Ever. Regardless of kid biology. Kids are the top marrital responsibility but never the priority.
2. See rule number 1.
3. There will be behavioral standards set for the home and they will be enforced with all children in the home in an age appropriate manner. Failure to comply with those standards will be met with an escalating state of abject misery. The rules are violated at the risk of the person choosing to violate the rules. Both partners will enforce the rules to the standards of the other. If one does not like how the other parents and disciplines then they can step up and get it done before the other partner has to. Or they can STFU, have the back of the one who is actually parenting and discuss it off line away from the kids.
One rule: He is the parent,
One rule: He is the parent, and he handles all of the parenting tasks. You can "help" as requested, if you want to. That means he cooks for her, cleans up after her, gives her baths and deals with bedtime, toileting, discipline and everything else. (note, he has to actually discipline the child).
You get to be the fun person who happens to live with Daddy.
Great post
I would add as to disclipline, SO needs to catch kid being good and say positive things. If they only way a child gets attention is to misbehave, it will happen. Have age apprpriate books on hand, go to libary if you need to pick some out. IMHO, it is good to read for 1/2 hour before bedrtime. He needs to set up a routine. Has child been toilet trained? Even if child sleeps through the night at moms's house, DC WILL likely be getting up, at first as his house, he needs to think abou ti. it really helps if you do NOT keep unhealthy snacks in house (and that is good for all of you!). Keep fruits and vegetables. You cannot control other house
Regular bedtimes and routine
Regular bedtimes and routine that don't allow for manipulation and being dragged out by SD.
Any picky eating is handled by parent and if its bad, he does all the meal planning and cooking. Its not your battle.
Any money you throw at her is by your choice, not expected or forced to make up or feed into a disney dad.
You need to get on the same
You need to get on the same page. For instance if he wants you to help out with stuff does that include being equal and respected with punishment and enforcing rules. Basically is you SO going to pull that is my kid you butt out card or treat you as and equal.
Will his kid come before you in your own home or will he make sure that the kid treat and respect you as an adult and parent figure.
That is the first thing you need to figure out before setting rules.
THIS!!
And the best post of the day (maybe year) goes to Tog. It is not your concern if the child does not eat healthy enough for you, or what she wears, or how smart she is, or how discipline she is or how loving she is to your SO. You are not responsible for how this child turns out. Her father and mother are the responsible ones.
Like Tog said...you get to be the nice fun friendly person that lives with her dad. Trust me…it will go much better this way as opposed to what some SMs do by trying to take over most aspects of the child.
The #1 rule I have for my SO
The #1 rule I have for my SO is that he must back me up. If he disagrees with something I do with respect to his kids, he can mention that to me privately. To the kids, we are a united front.
Rule #2 is the kids sleep in their own beds. They can sleep with each other (and sometimes do), but SO is not to sleep with them.
Rule #3 is that he needs to discipline them. I will discipline also (I have his permission to do so and I'm alone with them from time to time so need that authority), but if he's there he needs to do the discipline.
Rule #4 is that BM doesn't dictate what goes on at our house, and if that means he has to stand up to her (he's non-confrontational, as many of these dads tend to be), then he has to stand up to her. BM is pretty good for the most part, but every now and then she tries to exert a little control and needs to be shut down.
I don't really care what they eat or what they wear or how much screen time he allows them. If they are decently behaved and respectful, I'm good. I don't mind doing a lot for them and assuming some parental duties - my SO picks up my slack in other areas, so I have no problem helping out a lot with the kids.
This is very similar to our
This is very similar to our arrangement.
Don't cause conflict in front of the kids, DH does the heavy lifting and I help out when/where I can-- but HE is responsible for the lion share of the parenting, BM is not going to steamroll our house and marriage.
Has the kiddo
ever spent the night with her dad? If not you are going to need a transition period and to know what happens at mom's house. Does she bed share or sleep in the same room as mom? What does she eat? Does she have a lovey or other comfort item? Does she have a bedtime routine? Is she potty trained? Is she night potty trained (which is tough at three)?
I would normally say that what happens at dad's stays at dad's and vice versa but this is a very young child and kids this age have a routine. This is also prime time for separation anxiety and the terrible threes. Ground rules are great but need to be introduced slowly. For example, you don't want to say that he cannot sleep with the child if the child has never slept alone before. Or have strict food rules right away because it may take a few visits before she is even comfortable eating in the home let alone eating the way your household eats. I have a nephew who literally would not eat anywhere but at home until he was almost four. He would sit quietly and wait for everyone to be done but he would not eat. Kids are weird. They do weird things. Hell, my brother still won't poop in a public restroom and he is nearing 40 lol!
Doesn’t matter what hoes on in BM house
you and or you and SO, set your household rules. She is 3 yo. You don’t need that many rules for a 3 yo. Her father will cook, dress ect her, his kid he wants her. He has to be home to take care of her. No picking her up dumping her on youn as he goes golfing. If he has to work, she goes back to BM. She gets her own bed in her own space. And that where she sleep bt herself. She will eat what ever DH makes for her. She has a bed time. Like 8 pm. Kids need there sleep, no up until 11 pm . She not allowed in your bed. Not allowed to touch or play with your personal things.
When I got my first giant dog
When I got my first giant dog, the breeder told me if I didn't want a 140 pound dog on the couch, don't let a 20 pound one on. Not saying your SD shouldnt be allowed on the couch, but it is worlds easier to never let a child do something than it is for them to do it and get used to it, only to change the rules.
Make sure that you set clear boundaries on your spaces and belongings that you don't want messed with. I never thought to with my Skids, not realizing their parents never did. So now I have people all up in my shit and I hate it.
1. The marriage comes first
1. The marriage comes first and is the only top priority. PERIOD. Kids do not trump the marriage or each other. Ever. Regardless of kid biology. Kids are the top marrital responsibility but never the priority.
2. See rule number 1.
3. There will be behavioral standards set for the home and they will be enforced with all children in the home in an age appropriate manner. Failure to comply with those standards will be met with an escalating state of abject misery. The rules are violated at the risk of the person choosing to violate the rules. Both partners will enforce the rules to the standards of the other. If one does not like how the other parents and disciplines then they can step up and get it done before the other partner has to. Or they can STFU, have the back of the one who is actually parenting and discuss it off line away from the kids.
Keep it simple.