Pulled the plug and blow up with MIL
-This is a really long vent/update post
My DH pulled the plug on his court case yesterday. It was a decision that he has been going back and forth on for the past few weeks. BM got away with taking her other kids out of the city against the CO and our lawyer is sure she will get away with taking SD as well. We've already thrown in several thousand dollars and don't want to throw in more. The lawyer thinks we will be in and out of court to resolve this for atleast a year or more. CPS says she is fine and doing well. SD is going to be 14 in about a month. The lawyer said they usually let 13 year olds decide their visitation but 14 is the maximum cut off they can't force them. After she is 14 there is nothing we can do. BM pushed the court date back and we shouldn't expect to get another court date until August or September.
Dh has come to terms with it. He is ready to move on in life. SD is obviously happy and doing whatever she wants. He can't change the course she is on. She is so brainwashed it's beyond help at this point. We are on the same page about not letting her come back unless she genuinely wants a relationship and isn't trying to get stuff out of us. We have also decided to not let her come in and out of our children's lives. DH took everything she left behind and donated it.
My MIL is not too happy about this and we had a huge blow out this afternoon. Dating back to when SD left, she pressured me to let SD name my daughter and suggested that I honor SD by naming my daughter after her. Of course that was not going to happen. She also got upset when I didn't want BM and SD at my shower. She suggested many times that we do whatever BM and SD want in order for her to come back and visit.
My MIL has been throwing little jabs at me recently. She talks smack about our parenting, the way my kids dress, their education, and even my diaper bag! On Mother's Day she told DH that she prayed BM had an amazing day and if the CPS needed to take her kids away that hopefully they wouldn't do it on Mother's Day. She told DH to step up and take care of BM and goes on about how BM is an "amazing catholic woman".My MIL has been calling DH telling him about all these dreams she has been having about SD and BM. It seems like she is rubbing salt in the wound and trying to work him up.
I am usually quiet and I don't speak my mind. However, today I snapped. She started in on me about my kid's report cards. They have been virtual all year and I was very involved in their education. They all had A's and B's all year long. My MIL said " I bet your kids barely passed by the skin of their teeth". I was shocked to hear her say that but let it go. Then she started in about SD. She said "my door is always open and SD will get anything she wants. If she needs 10,000 dollars or a new car you bet it she will have it in her hand". She told me that we need to accept SD the way she is and if all SD knows is hurting people we have to work around it. My MIL said it is DH's fault for getting upset by SD and he needs to let SD have the relationship she wants with us. MIL says it is fine if SD wants to pop in and visit the kids and then go M.I.A for a few years with no contact because it's what she wants.
I went off on her and told her that SD is not welcome in our lives as it stands now. She will also not be popping in and out of our children's lives either. My daughter is going to be a year old in the next few months and SD has never met her or wanted to have a relationship with her. I also told her that I will not allow toxic people in our lives and will not bend over backwards to make BM or SD happy. She blamed me for not trying to win SD back. I told her she was becoming a toxic person in our lives and hung up on her. Our relationship has been going downhill since we announced our pregnancy last year. MIL has definitely ramped it up though and if I don't call her everyday she flips out on me. It's becoming too much. She has been talking alot about her ex-husband and the past recently so she may be projecting something. All I know is she is out of control.
my door is always open and SD
Nice to know, MIL. Just remember that if you need Medicaid in the future, there is a five year look back. If your $10,000 gift is within this time period, it will be expected to be returned. If it is not returned, you will be barred from Medicaid for a time. I hope BM and SD will be caring for you then (because I am not).
LOL this is a true fact!
LOL this is a true fact!
Exactly! I have cared so much
Exactly! I have cared so much for her over the years. Picking up prescriptions, running her to the doctors or hospital, running errands, bringing by care packages, bringing her food, yet BM and SD deserve the world and upmost respect.
You handled that correctly
Your MIL is wrong and you don’t have to bend reality to suit her feantasy. I know that was stressful. Congrats on the kids and virtual school- I imagine that took a lot of hard work.
Thank you! It did. I busted
Thank you! It did. I busted my butt to make sure my kids got everything they could out of this year. I had a baby the second week of school and we suffered a huge loss in February and we still kept going. They are above grade level and I am so proud of them for getting through this year!
Good for you standing up for
Good for you standing up for yourself Corgi! Your SD and her BM have put you guys through so much and the only thing MIL can think to do is dog pile on you rn? Well if her door is ALWAYS open to SD than she can also keep it open for her future great grand kids! Because the way BM is grooming SD she is going to be a teen mom in no time!
If I were you I'd cut MIL out until she gets herself some help.
Yes, I need a lot of space
Yes, I need a lot of space from her. I slowly tried to cut down contact and she flipped out on me. My husband is backing me up and we are going to keep our distance for a awhile depending on how she treats us.
Toxic
You don't have to allow toxic people into your home, your life or your thoughts. It sounds like your MIL is one of those people. You "need" to call her every day so she can make snarky comments about you, your kids, your DH.........I think NOT!!!!
It amazes me how often extended family members think that they are entitled to spew their negative, hurtful trash and you are just supposed to take it. Congrats for standing up and letting her know her imput is not wanted. If she thinks you and your DH have to tolerate any crap that SD and BM dump, she is delusional as well as stupid. Any relationship that is one way only isn't a real relationship to begin with. Let her get used and abused by the SD, it's her right.......but you don't have to play their sick games.
Good for you. I had a
Good for you. I had a massive falling out with my own MIL in 2018, and haven't spoken to her since, although DH started speaking to her on the phone about a year ago. She constantly treated me like shit and I'd just had enough.
I'm glad to hear you stood up
I'm glad to hear you stood up for yourself and put MIL in her place. It's time you stopped calling her entirely - it just gives her an opportunity to berate you and you really don't want that. In fact, I'd avoid taking her calls too. Tell your DH why this is happening and let him deal with his mother's craziness.
He speaks to her about once
He speaks to her about once every three months. He can barely stand her either. After a health scare she started calling me all the time and slowly it snowballed to this. I started limiting calls with her a few weeks ago. She picked up on the fact that I wasn't answering everytime and she unloaded on me for not caring about her. He just doesn't know why she is so obsessed with SD.
Wow. Talk about controlling
Wow. Talk about controlling mothers!
I think you are wise to drop the legal rope. This is all about BM's anger at you having a girl with DH and SD is deep in the cult. She's not going to get free and court will just give BM what she wants - DH's focus on her instead of your family. Good for both of you too for deciding you won't buy SD's love. That doesn't bring alienated kids back, it just keeps them in the cycle of abusing the alienated parent.
As for MIL, she goes on an information diet for sure. No longer tell her anything at all about yourselves other than the superficial. And definitely stop letting her control you by getting upset if you don't do what she wants (ie daily phone calls).
OMG
Your MIL sounds crazy. Name your DD after SD? Like WHAT!??. Holy cow does she light candles to worship at the SD alter?
I feel for you girl
I would have proudly shared the kids grades.
Time to make MIL ass baring your fondest hobby.
smh
I can relate
My MIL worships SD (29) and BM. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and it's always been this way. We live out of state and have two sons together (16, 19). MIL is narcissist and toxic. I have been terribly hurt by her words and actions over the years. I had to stop contact with her for my own health about 10 years ago. We have seen each other only a few over these years and it has been peaceful! The SD has been enabled by MIL and is a drug addict, been in and out of jail, served prison time, stolen from family, had two kids she doesn't take care of, etc. - but she is still worshipped. My sons - thankfully without MIL involvement - are very successful young men. It hurts, but this is the way it is. My DH recently said that MIL wants to "make up" - I don't think that's in the cards as I cannot give up my health and peace for a toxic relationship that will not benefit me. I have never said a negative thing about MIL or SD to our boys. I've only mentioned enough about SD so they understand why she is not around. Meanwhile, MIL has said terrible things about me and DH. I think she is concerned now about who will take care of her as she ages; she uses a walker to get around and cannot drive. Thankfully, she has a husband who is in good health! Also her dear BM lives not far away.
It is always your choice to
It is always your choice to give someone a second chance, if you are not ready to let MIL back in that is perfectly fine (and I wouldn't if I were you) if she gets upset and tries to shame you than that is an indication she isn't sorry for treating you badly.
This would be the 10th chance!
I have given MIL multiple chances during the first 15 years and it never changed. She has never apologized other than "I'm sorry you feel that way" which is not really an apology. My DH and I are the scapegoats and probably always will be.