Unfair? I kind of think he's lucky to be allowed to have a car period. Maybe your wife will realize just how serious this is when he kills himself or someone else. Since she loves him so much I would think she'd be a bit more concerned about his safety.

At least, not cheaply enough for him to be able to afford it. Love is a great thing, but love won't get you out of a lawsuit. She's being irresponsible. That's probably where your SS gets it.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

with you. If my daughter, 18, came home like that she wouldn't have an ass let alone a car to sit it in! Let them put it in dad's name and insurance.

I'm not sure I understand the concept of putting someone's name on the deed but not the financing. My aunt and uncle did that too. After we got married, I sold my home and we bought a bigger one. I put everything in my name and my name only. I didn't want the chance that he would be entitled to half (especially when it was the proceeds from my home that was used as down money) and I be stuck with the financing!

why parents want to enable irresponsibility!

I wouldn't be patient about this whatsoever, and no matter what your wife has read, her #1 priority is her marriage to you and to preserve it's future, not her ADULT children.

I strongly encourage you to put the deed in front of her and tell her to sign it, or start moving out! I know this is really easy advice to give....I'm not in this situation, but clearly your wife refuses to acknowledge she is putting your guys' financial stability at risk all to "look cool" to her 19 year old!!! This is insane!!!

The biggest problem is that she isn't taking your feelings serious. You aren't a horrible person because you want to protect your future from someone who thinks he is invincible to life.

I'm a small business owner who has an employee driving on the road for our business. Let me tell you, even if your ss doesn't truly cause harm to another, if an accident happens, despite the fact no person was truly hurt, just because they file a claim, your insurance company will more than likely settle out of court just to buy off bogus claims in fear they will lose a bigger settlement in court. Back injuries are impossible to prove one way or the other. I don't even let my employee drive the vehicle for personal reasons at all! That person is on the road for business purposes only! Even though I look anal retentive, I don't care, because my son's childhood, and my financial future could be demolished all because someone else decides to cut corners....or in your case drink and drive.

I hope you can muster the courage to put a complete end to your wife behaving irresponsibly! It's so difficult at times to get others to see what they are doing. I wish you the best of luck!

Candice

I think you are wise and prudent to take these steps. I personally wouldn't let my SS live there any longer if he continued with this illegal activity. He's underage. He's putting you in harm's way. If your wife can't see this, then she's in denial. Show her the laws; hopefully black and white will pull her out of her rose-colored viewpoint.

Show this site to your wife http://dontserveteens.gov/statelaws.html
Select the state you live in to find out what the liabilities are for parents who teenagers drink...and drive. They aren't very forgiving with most states now enacting both criminal and civil renumeration. Whether the car is in his name, her name, if the drinking occurs in your house, you both could be held liable, regardless of deed ownership. She needs to read the law!

It's okay if this is about money. You are simply trying to protect your and her security, which can be taken away in a second if your SS continues with his illegal activity. Neither you or your wife can plead ignorant if this activity leads to a criminal action b/c SS drives drunk. Depending on your state's laws, you can be held very, very liable.

Stick to your guns!

You can't show love to a person that has a drinking problem because if you do suddenly they twist that love and you are enabling them.
See an attorney immediately for legal advice and don't' let her put your home or yourself in jeopardy. In the mean time make those keys disappear. Losing his license or ins will not stop him from driving.

and asked them what you can do?

"I wish I could sell her for what she thinks she is worth, I'd be a millionare." HA HA, -insert evil grin here....

I would not allow any child, not my own or my dh's, to live in my home and engage in illegal activity. Unfortunately, she is just enabling him and he will end being the loser in the long run. I do not feel you are being unfair or selfish. I hope she takes a look at what she is doing and wakes up.

Georgie

First and for most... yes it is true that you can still be sued if the 19 year old is living in your home, even though legal age is 18. Reason being is that the assumption is that he's dependent upon you BECAUSE he's living under your roof. Basically, they will try to follow the money trail. Second, while you are released from all liability criminally, you may not be in some civil cases, but the chances are slim that you be held accountable for a 19 year old. For example, you wouldn't be accountable for criminal charges, such as if someone was killed in an accident which SS was involved. Basically, he would be charged with involuntary manslaughter, however, the family of the deceased can and could possibly try to sue you in a civil suit for compensation for a wrongful death suit, etc. For example, if your SS left the house drunk as a skunk, and you had prior knowledge of this, he kills someone, criminally you aren't liable, however, the family can in fact sue you for a wrongful death suit, because you 'allowed him' to leave in a drunken state, you had prior 'knowledge' of his 'inablity' to drive, making you an 'accessory' to the murder and you could indeed be held liable for SS's actions because he lives in your home.

Now, second, I completely think she's totally being unreasonable. I'd call her on her bluff, because I totally think she thinks you'll back down on your threat and the way I see it, she perceives this as just a power struggle between you two. She feels threatened because you're making her make the choice so bluntly.

Personally, if this is the comment that was made to me, I'd say fine. So be it. Be careful what you ask for... and follow suit with what you have 'agreed' on. Protect yourself at all costs. I don't think she realizes the implications that this will have but she's head on determined to prove something... What? Stupidity?

I think the keys, and I mean all keys, to this vehicle would mysteriously disappear, or a boot put on the tire... What's that you say, no air in the tires? Geeh, I don't know how that happened? Did you forget to pay a parking ticket? *scratching head*...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

If he is giving kds booze out of your basement you are responsible. The attorneys always go after the deep pockets and if one of those kds gets it there and overdoses or drives and kills himself it will be put on your back. Just make sure she understands that she will be the one going to visitation at the prison every Sunday afternoon and not you. I am not one to encourage divorce, but I don't think you have a choice. She and her kd are disrespecting you in the worse way and something has to be done. I would start the paper work and have her served and maybe that would be the wake up call that she needed. If that doesn't work follow through with the divorce.

Its time for both of them to go. I don't know how to correct the problem with out you getting in trouble too. If you werent living there I would just say call the cops report it and ask for a drug bust. I suppose you could take out eviction papers on him and after that if he tresspasses have him locked up. Those people are putting you, your freedom and financial security at risk and they don't care.

So, you woke her up, she breaks up the party, but didn't care after that if her son drove them home drunk? Interesting...

Does she drink herself by chance?

She clearly is in denial, there is no question of that.

Can you afford to put an alarm system up in your home? This is what I'm thinking. I would have a security alarm set up for every accessible window and door. Get the cheapest one without the security service, just the loud annoying alarm when a door or window is opened. Have it installed when everyone is gone and keep the password to yourself.

Then, at night, when you go to bed... set the alarm. When your SS opens a door for his friends, the alarm will go off, and naturally wake everyone in the house up- including your wife. Let your wife deal with this nuance every time.

For one thing, the alarm will startle your SS, and potentially embarrass him. Second, it gets everyone's attention just HOW OFTEN he's 'partying it up'. Third, it means that the issue has to be dealt with RIGHT THEN, because the alarm is going off waking you and your neighbors.

Another thing is to put key less locks or padlocks on all the doors. During the day, everyone uses the standard keys, but at night lock the doors with the key less entry or padlock- whatever you decide. If he wants to act like he's above the law... make him feel right at home in his own prison, because that's where he potentially is heading. If he doesn't like it, he can move out.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

This is the thing... she's ALLLLLL talk. Believe me. The snippy comments are what woman do when they are hurting and want to 'get back at you'. She knows the truth, but is in denial, we know this. YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION, actions speak louder than words... put that alarm system in, locks, hide keys, pull parts, whatever- REGARDLESS of the 'implications' that this will cause you, and yes, do reframe from ALL alcohol in this effort- otherwise she will use it against you. Lead by example. If she wants to keep barking- let her. You take ACTION... what is she doing? Talking. What are you doing? Action.

It's like the commercial where everyone is just standing around a piece of trash on the ground talking about how distasteful it is for someone to drop it there, not put it in the garbage, how it should go in the garbage can when it's only two inches away, etc... Then some one in the distance, comes sweeps it up, and drops it in the can, and moves on. Instead of standing around and talking about it, just do it. Take control of the situation, and yes there will be repercussions from it, but is it better to have everyone call you vial things than that of losing a life?

Reason being is that she's going to put blame on your REGARDLESS. It's going to be YOUR fault period, if her son gets in a car and drives off and gets hurt- or hurts someone else. Not his. It's going to be YOUR fault if you didn't take any actions, period. She displaces blame out of guilt and fear. What she is doing is shifting the blame on to you, so don't buy it. It will get rocky and rough before it gets better, but there are ways to deal and handle this.

The first step is facing reality, which you've already done. The second is to not let people who shift blame, get to you- which is hard to deal with because they are often masters at the blame game. some even get you to start to believe them. Blame never changes the facts. To counter this, tell them that it is a logical fallacy, or specifically an Ad hominem (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ad_hominem).

This is not about you, or even her son at this point. It's about her now. If you're dealing with an impossible person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. This does not mean that you can or should blame them, but blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, face the facts, accept responsibility for your own faults and improve yourself because, impossible people 'can do no wrong'.

The best way to defuse her is to simply and literally ignore her. Stay calm and don't spit angry words at her... you will be giving her what she wants. Instead, give her exactly what she doesn't want, ignore her, don't bad talk because then you are sinking down to her level, but look away or start another conversation, with a totally different topic, whatever you do just stay calm! And she may try to really push those buttons, but don't under any circumstance budge.

You are not going to be able to deal with her like you would a rational 'normal' person. Impossible people need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging her in any kind of reasonable conversation on this subject. I mean, think about all the last fifty-umpth times you tried to have a civilized discussion about this with her right? And where does she stand every time? Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything, right? So stop banging your head against the wall, trying to TALK it out.

If she attacks your self-esteem, DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF OUT LOUD. It only provokes the impossible person into another tirade. You know you aren't as bad as they say you are, so don't believe it. Don't give into it. Don't use anger, because often anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean in the first place), etc. Keep your cool.

If your wife gets hysterical, immediately "turn off" any serious consideration you had been giving her. You know the saying, "In one ear, out the other."- from this point, what she may be saying is just pure gibberish. Just remain silent through her tirade, or make sure that anything you say tends to agree with her. Humor her. Don't ask her to calm down, because you then just invite further bombast (such as "Why should I calm down?! Look what you've done this time! You're lucky I'm not angrier than I am now!").

Your best resources are silence, humoring her, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" her as a person. She's do not going to listen to reason- as you have tried, right? And convincing her that she has any responsibility for this won't get recognized or improved. Impossible people don't have any flaws. So, rather than talking this out... you're going to have to just take actions, and treat her as if she were a child trowing a temper tantrum- don't acknowledge it.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

A few years ago. I feel for you. I'm not sure how I got through it. I guess I waited it out....

Wifey thought it was harmless....I used to call the cops on him ...she would get angry at that. One time I found bottles of booze (and drugs) in his room, then showed them to cops....he said 'those are not mine'...get this, he WALKED and cops said I SHOULD LEAVE to prevent a fight at the house .... AND his mom said I INVADED HIS PRIVACY!!! How's that for justice??? (I'm just trying to make you feel better...)

Why not stake out the house from a chair outside the house in the dark in evening and call cops when they are about to leave....or call the cops when you see them going in....ask them to catch the kids ....let the cops catch him and all his friends hopefully drunk on their way out so they can press charges? Maybe ask a police officer how you can arrange this.....a few arrests and some $$$ pain may adjust things.... (be careful not to raise YOUR insurance) OR trying calling his friends parents over at 3AM and let them have at wifey and tell her what an idiot she is? (sorry, that's what i called mine over and over)

OR Move his room upstairs next to yours, I think basement rooms are disasters, kids love them as they can be out of sight (I had to screw the windows shut and break the heads off the screws)as after when we locked the basment door ....they simply climbed in the windows..
Other thoughs...raise your liabilty limits portion of your insurance, does not cost too much..can help with your peace of mind a little. Another idea, have him taken off your policy, call ins co directly and get it done. With Allstate I had to say he moved out, I sent them a letter that said he moved to 123 anywhere street, they took him off.

This pattern of young (enabled) drinking cost my SS much jail time, led to drugs, dealing, and all sorts $$$ of problems. I'm sorry to say this, but your wife is a weak weak woman who will allow her son to do anything to make him 'happy' ....my wife was the same exact way....she finally sheepishly admitted - after we got her son out of a $15,000.00 rehab this year - that allowing him to have this much freedom 'backfired'.....

calling the cops is that you can be considered contributing to the delinquency of minors...hence he is only 19 and legal drinking age is 21. The question would then be where did he get the booze from, where was he drinking it, etc. So, IF you wanted to go the route of cops, you have to be careful and plan it out as so not to be directly involved... he would have to be caught away from your home. I'm not positive how to go about this route, but it is a good route. I would just be careful... and remove ALL alcohol from your home period.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...