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Post natal depression

Heythere1's picture

Submitted by Heythere1 on Fri, 05/31/2019 - 2:58pm

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Hi there. This may be a bit of an unusual one but looking for anyone who’s experienced similar. I had very severe post natal depression when I had my little boy 18 months ago. It’s taken time but I’m in a good place now. However, I bonded extremely well with my son and never felt any resentment towards him, this seemed to have been displaced on to my step daughter (7). We’ve never been especially close due to many issues with contact etc, but I now just feel as if I have no connection with her at all, and I don’t want to have one either. I dread her staying with us (two nights a week) because I know I’m going to feel this way and worry she feels it too. I can’t bring myself to try and build a relationship and I feel this is what people talk about towards their newborn when they have post natal depression, but for me it’s aimed at my step daughter. Not really sure if I’m asking for advice or just having a rant, but if you have got this far thanks for reading :) 

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Fri, 05/31/2019 - 4:38pm

I actually went through the same thing, and weirdly enough, my son and stepdaughter are the same ages as yours.

Have you tried letting them play together? That really helped me. Seeing my son really, truly enjoy his older half-sister warmed my heart, and made me a bit more open to her too. I still often feel like my relationship is entirely different with her since having him, but it helps to see them bond. I know it's hard, especially when you don't want your son to see you treating him differently than his sister who he loves. 

Heythere1's picture

Submitted by Heythere1 on Sun, 06/02/2019 - 11:58am

Thank you for replying. I hope how I feel changes. She’s an only child at her mums so doesn’t really play with my little boy without being told to. I still don’t really think she knows how to play with him being a lot younger than her. Hopefully with time that will improve too :) 

Notup4it's picture

Submitted by Notup4it on Fri, 05/31/2019 - 7:49pm

I’m sure it will change as time goes by- you are still in the thick of it with such a young toddler.  I would just be gentle with yourself, don’t place too many expectations or pressure on yourself or beat yourself up over your feelings.

Things always evolve and change.... just go with the flow. :) 

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Sat, 06/01/2019 - 12:53am

has told his dad to not force a relationship on him between our kids, that he doesn’t know how to show affection etc... he expects to live in our home ignoring everyone.

i have long ago disengaged and focus on my kids. He goes along life like i don’t exist so i ignore him and go about my day as usual.

this isn’t ideal but when your own husband says this has been the way his alienated son has always been thanks to hcgubm pas and her narcissm, i don’t expect much hey...

it took me maybe 3 yrs to get to this point now... even my husband agrees his kids with exwife just don’t behave like family... hubbys family see how they don’t treat them like family so it’s no surprise. Problem is they’re so dysfunctional and refuse to maintain a relationship but they can’t stand to see their dad having a loving interactive one with us and will try to distract him with whatever non emergency crap of their just because they want him to pine for them day and night. It barely works now...

my own huband agreed ss doesn’t deserve the title of being called a brother to our kids and his daughters, yeah they’re the same

lorlors's picture

Submitted by lorlors on Sat, 06/01/2019 - 6:14am

My baby son is almost 5 months old and thankfully I haven’t suffered PND but I can totally relate. SD17 lives with us FT and I feel so sad and down having her here. I used to try so hard to forge a relationship years ago but she gives me nothing. It makes me feel like a shit person and like I have somehow failed. I’ve just given up.

Heythere1's picture

Submitted by Heythere1 on Sun, 06/02/2019 - 12:06pm

Thank you for replying. At times I feel huge resentment towards her being with us, like it takes time away from me and my son with my husband, that sounds so selfish and I know it does which is why it’s such a hard emotion. She has bedtime issues at her mums and has done for the last 5 months (we’ve had expert advice but nothing helps)  but this means we have been on the phone or giving support every day to her mum which has also been a massive strain on us as a couple and me emotionally. 

You are not a shit person and you have not failed. Being a step parent can be harder than an actual parent. Sending hugs :) 

lorlors's picture

Submitted by lorlors on Sun, 06/02/2019 - 3:56pm

I don’t think it is selfish of you, it’s completely normal. Anyone would think and feel that especially as even when she is not physically with you, she is still managing to dominate from her mum’s place because of her sleep issue. You must feel like you never get a break from it.

I know some people on here have truly horrendous situations in steplife with drug abuse and other crazy antics and comparatively SD isn’t that bad. Over time though, all their crap just wears you out doesn’t it? so I completely understand. Having my own little boy now only highlights how much of an imposition it is having some weird, teenage lodger who wants nothing to do with me living under my roof.

I'm out's picture

Submitted by I'm out on Sun, 06/02/2019 - 5:39pm

I had pnd back when my daughter was born and for the first few months I couldn't bond with her properly. I did love her though and would never see any harm come to her I just knew I didn't have that "you complete me and are my whole world" bond that everyone spoke of when speaking about their newborns. I also felt extremely overwhelmed at how much my life had changed. Just like to add that obviously that changed very quickly once the pnd was treated.

So I don't think what you're describing does sound like what happens when mothers with pnd don't bond with their babies, I don't think they actually don't want their babies anywhere near them although I guess it differs from person to person. 

I think what you're describing is perfectly normal in a blended family. You now have your own little family and an intruder comes along every week and you probably feel overwhelmed at having to include her and treat her as one of your little family when in your mind she's not.

All perfectly understandable. Kids are hard work there's no doubt about that especially 7 year olds and especially girls at that age. They are at the Me Me Me age and are exhausting sometimes to their own parents let alone to someone who's not their parent but is just thrust into this set up. 

My advice would be to try and get a break from her when she is over, twice a week sounds a bit unbearable to me, eowe was bad enough so don't be hard on yourself. I truly think your feelings are normal and I really hope they change over time for you and wish you the best of luck.

 

weightedworld's picture

Submitted by weightedworld on Wed, 01/27/2021 - 10:06am

I don't feel this is related to your post natal depression. I think this is more of that extra layer of skin that comes along with being a mom for the first time, call it the Mama Bear Layer. 

Before you had a little extra time, patients, and a little bit of caring for your SD but now that you have your own to care for, the little you did have for her decreases. Your child becomes your #1 and priority (as he/she should) the extras not that they 'don't' matter but you will find it isn't to any of your concern past right and/or wrong. - I hope that makes sense.