Please help me stop being a babbling idiot!!
I'm 29, DH is 46. He has 3 kids, SS25, SS22, and SS20. SS 25 lives with us, and he and I get along GREAT. We are good friends, and really close in age, so we relate to each other very well. SS22 does not speak to his father, nor to me. He is constantly being manipulated and lied to by BM in regards to the split and the divorce, and blames me for the entire thing. Which, FYI, had nothing to do with me. But that's a whole other problem. SS20 is a college student, and lives on campus, which is a little over an hour away. When he does come home, he usually divides his time between BM's house and ours.
My problem is relating to SS20. I have no idea how to relate to him. I try to talk to him, but don't know what to say, so I usually end up babbling about something unimportant, or something he couldn't care less about. I ramble on and on trying to get this kid to respond, but he just sits there, very quiet. He will answer questions when asked, but he never contributes to conversations without me asking him a zillion questions. He is not mean or nasty or impolite, just quiet.
I am driving myself nuts trying to get this kid to like me, or at least feel comfortable around me. I bend over backwards. I cook, I clean, I offer to do his laundry. I really don't want to feel awkward around him, but I do.
Can somebody help me get past this so I can build a healthy relationship with SS20?
What about this boy makes
What about this boy makes you nervous? Once you figure that out, you'll stop rambling.
I think it's just the fact
I think it's just the fact that I don't really know much about him. I want him to like me. I want him to feel like our home is his home, and that he is always welcome there.
His BM is a total train wreck, so I worry about the 3 steps a lot, so that doesn't help. I know I cannot replace his mom, and would never try to, but I do think he needs a female role model in his life.
BM and DH had a 24 year long rough patch in their marriage (they were married 25 years, lol) so they haven't been exposed to a healthy relationship. I would like to provide a good example for them, and have been putting a lot of pressure on myself in order to accomplish that.
I think its way too late for
I think its way too late for you to assume any type of role model in their lives. They are not that much younger than you and would probably resent that.
The relationship has to form on its own, or not. You really shouldn't worry about it. They're all at an age where their girlfriends or future wives will have the strongest female impact on them. They are too old for you to mother them.
If it helps, my "late"
If it helps, my "late" husband was 53 and I was 32...it's tough to "relate" on some levels, be it younger, plder, or on the same page at times. You just have to get used to it honestly.You know, lighten up and just always, "be yourself."
That's what counts!
I wouldnt offer to do his
I wouldnt offer to do his laundry or any other motherly task, and I certainly wouldn't try to be a role model to him. You're barely older than him, so I'd think he'd be irritated by that...at least I would. I would treat him like a friend or like a younger brother's friend, honestly. These are adults, who are not much younger than you, so the "step-mother" role is pretty much out of the question in my opinion.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
just let him come to you.
just let him come to you. dont try to force the relationship.
i mean, it must be a little strange for the both of you trying to figure out the relationship of smom/skid itself. i mean, you are his smom but you are also in the age range that he is probly dating. just give it some time and put the ball in his court.
"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."