Partners unwilling 12 year old daughter
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Hey everyone
so last year I put a post on in regards to my partners daughter not wanting to meet me, my 7 year old daughter or her baby brother. This is still the case, she won't come to the house we all live in or see any of us and she doesn't want to meet her 16month old baby brother.
her father left her mother for me so I understand her unwillingness to see or meet me but she won't even meet her baby brother. It upsets my 7 years old daughter as I know she would love to be able to meet her.
my partner says he cannot force her to come and won't push it as he won't run the risk of her not wanting to see him.
is there anything I can do to help change things or any advise would be really appreciated
Thank you in advance
I would just let it be for awhile
She might come around at some point, or maybe not. I don't think there is much you can do. BM is probably influencing her. Just stay neutral and concentrate on your partner and kids. Good luck.
Well, I for one think it's
Well, I for one think it's not normal for kids to hold a grudge that long, and honestly, the grudge is most likely being fed and watered by BM, who is still bitter over your affair with DH. This isn't healthy for BM or SD, but there is nothing you can do about it. She may grow out of it as she gets older and sees things differently, or she may not. My guess is that she's very loyal to BM as the "victim" in this whole situation, and BM is holding onto that label as tightly as she can.
I'm not one who thinks people have a right to punish infidelity forever, even at the expense of their own children's well-being, but many do that. And there's nothing you can do about it. Personally I don't think your DH should allow it to go on this way, he's made his choice (you), and while he shouldn't force her to do anything, he also shouldn't just let her avoid and hold onto anger forever. But again, nothing you can do about that.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. Yes my partner was married and I was on my own but yes it was wrong but it's something no one can go back on now.
I guess I just wanted to know people thoughts on it if if anyone had every gone through anything similar.
you are probably rite in the respect that it is probably not going to change at all and that is just the way it will be.
do
you think at some point she may want to see her brother or do you think that she won't want to.
thanks in advance
I don't know - 12 is very
I don't know - 12 is very young and depending on her personality, she may or may not change her mind as she grows up, it's hard to know, especially since you don't know what she's like. Hopefully, as she gets older, she will see that while DH was wrong to have an affair, all the marital problems weren't his fault alone. But that won't be until she's much older, like late 20s.
I do think your DH should acknowledge her anger and sadness at her parents' divorce, but not allow her to call all the shots in their relationship.
Yes that's my thought on it
Yes that's my thought on it but he won't do or say anything that upsets her or that will run the risk of her saying she doesn't want to see him anymore.
if he tries to talk to her about any of it or her brother she just refuses to and then will cry or have a tantrum and then say she doesn't want to see him anymore. So I don't think he dares do or say anything to her.
Well, I get that - in the
Well, I get that - in the short-term. But in the long-term, he's just reinforcing that she's in charge of everything (really BM, behind the scenes, most likely). So he will just be a hostage to both of them forever if he keeps up this current way of dealing with it.
Yeah I can that that in the
Yeah I can that that in the short term. We're going into the 4th year of it now.
He will go to his mothers twice a week to see her and he has her for a full day on a Saturday so will usually end up at his mothers then as well. Over the Christmas period we spend it divided as her will go to his mothers to see his daughter and I will be with our son and my daughter.
it's frustrating because I think if she was to meet my daughter and her own brother she would probably love them and have lots of fun with them. It does feel like it's never going to get to that stage thougH.
My exBF's dad cheated on his
My exBF's dad cheated on his mum and had an affair. The mistress tried to keep him by getting pregnant but by then the dad decided he wanted to try and repair the marriage with his wife. So when the baby was born the mistress bombarded the photo of the baby along with some pretty strong words to all of babydaddy's other kids. Highly traumatising for them and for years the older kids wanted nothing to do with the product of their dad's affair. Not the baby's fault but can't blame the kids for being traumatised. After a few years only exBF had reached out to his half sibling. Found him to be a wonderful child, has a frosty relationship with the mistress but none of his other siblings will agree to meet up. Can't blame them all things considered.
I am usually all for a a
I am usually all for a a good love story. And if you and your husband are head over heels than I'm happy for you.
But, you and your DH turned this kids world upside down and changed everything she knew to be true. Her foundation was ripped out from under her. And you wonder why she doesn't want to see you!? I'm sorry... I don't usually get this way, but are you for real!? You came in and ripped her world to shreds and now you are sitting there scratching your head wondering why she doesn't want to meet you and be friends!? On what planet is this rational thinking!? And why does your 7 year old no anything about this. You seem to have a bad habit of dumping adult issues on little girls.
oktostep made a great point... this 12 year old has set clear and healthy boundries.... something you should learn about.
Please don’t make this little girl suffer more
I don't blame this little girl for not wanting to meet you or her half-sibling. Her father left her mother as a result of an affair with you. Her feelings are perfectly normal given the circumstances. With time, she may soften towards you and be willing to meet her half-sibling. In the meantime, don't push her. My two cents: you want her to meet you and your new child because her acceptance of your relationship would reduce the guilt you feel over how it started. Find a different way to process your guilt. Perhaps therapy would help. But respect your stepdaughter's boundaries in the meantime.