Parents who can't see that their kids lie
I am perplexed at parents who are fooled by their kids' lies, mostly those told about something the "other parent" did or said. Why do parents fall for this? I mean, I know the answer, I guess. But I don't get it. If parent A doesn't like the ex (parent B), when kid comes home with a negative story about parent B, parent A is all over it, agreeing with the child about the negative attributes of parent B, reinforcing future negative stories when parent A offers sympathy, even spoiling the child to make up for all the negative things kid has to deal with at parent B's house. How long before the kid works the "system" and makes stuff up or embellishes stories? I mean the parents are not going to check with each other about the truth of these stories because the kid is just reinforcing what they already know, right? The other parent sucks, is an idiot, is a *itch, is crazy, etc. I know usually the SM can see these things. On the outside, SM's can see it plain and clear. This is not that complex; why don't these parents (dads) listen when we try to tell them what's going on?
As I think about this, I realize that some of you are fooled by this as well. And also that there really are some crazy BMs out there. But I know some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Yes! I even think it's done
Yes! I even think it's done in intact families, although obviously not to the same degree. My sd did this when I was married...I've seen TONS of kids doing it since then. And parents buy it hook, line, and sinker. My exh would believe EVERY word that came out of his dd's mouth and I just wasn't buying it. Even though he knew she lied often about things in our house, all of that stuff about bm must have been true! LOL
IMO they are not really
IMO they are not really fooled but choose to overlook it so they won't have to deal with it.
Sometimes both parents are "Disney" parents and try and outdo each other in everything including PASing and promoting bad behavior.
I think this can be true;
I think this can be true; that is how my exh was to a degree. Part of it was wanting to believe the bm was bad, the other was not wanting to deal with it. But the case that got me thinking about it tonight is definitely NOT not wanting to deal with it. It's literally turned into a court issue where a parent wants full custody because the kid has embellished so many stories for so long. The bm IS crazy, but not to the degree where someone should be spending good money to fight her.
Someone told me one time that even when spousal abuse took place, courts will still allow a child to visit the "abusive" parent because it does not indicate they will abuse the child. So I think that even if a couple had a crazy dynamic between the two of them, it does not necessarily mean that the child will experience the same behavior or dynamics. But the other parent assumes the child is suffering as much as s/he did, and even feeds into that ideology over years until the child feels compelled to bring home stories to satisfy the parent.
its the emotional blinders
its the emotional blinders that parents have. the children are little images of perfection. my dh did not want to see one of his daughters was a petty thief and the other was kicked out of the military. when I bring these things up, he gets upset and tells me "why did you bring that up?" his blinders prevents him from seeing or remembering.
Do you have bio-kids? I must
Do you have bio-kids? I must be retarded, because whenever there is a conflict I assume my kids started it or ask what THEY did. Am I the ONLY parent out there that wants to blame my own kids first? That just reminded me of a mom from my daughter's cheer team. She doesn't see ANYTHING her daughter does wrong. When they work on a new dance, she notices the things all the other girls do wrong, but not her perfect child. It bugs me. But there is another mom that makes me feel better, because she's pointing out all the things her daughter needs to work on like I do LOL.
Anyway, if you have bio-kids, I'm curious if the way he treats/ed his kids helped you raise yours without those blinders? I think that may have helped me...having a stepdaughter for years before having my own...learning all the tricks!
My experience: I learned so
My experience: I learned so much from watching my DH and his trashy daughter. I saw him be completely manipulated by her as she lies and lies and lies. Of course DH fell for it every time as all he wanted was for his evil spawn to be normal. Of course he loves her; she is his daughter but his constant enabling of her bad behavior made her become more selfish and entitled as time progressed. Of course I could see her for what she was early on in our relationship. Of course he didn't see it and it would cause us to fight. Due to my observations, I have learned to never, ever let my kids disrespect my DH as he allowed his DD to be disrespectful to me. My kids get along great with DH and in fact the other day during a conversation, my DH commented on how in the 8 years we have been together that my kids have only been disrespectful towards him maybe a couple of times. It really hurt me when SD would be rude and disrespectful towards me and DH would do nothing to correct her behavior; he wouldn't even confront her about it out of fear that she would get mad at him. He was willing to sacrifice my feelings in order to please her. I felt like I was not a priority in his life. I vowed I would never let my kids so much as even look at him the wrong way.
One night I felt that one of my sons was being disrespectful to DH. I made a big deal about telling my son in front of my DH that he will never be disrespectful to DH and that it is intolerable behavior and under no circumstances will I sit back and allow this to happen. DH actually got defensive as he felt I was alluding to how he allowed his DD to disrespect me. He thought I was making a big deal about it as a show; to imply that I would never let my kids do what he allowed his DD to do. You know, he was right. I wanted him to know that I support him 100% and yes, I was hoping that this would cause him to reflect on the things that SD did to both of us. Of course, he's defensive as usual when it comes to his trampy, lying, manipulative, sociopathic, idiot daughter. He just can't quit.
The other thing I learned was to not enable my children. As far as I am concerned DH and BM created a monster and it is a result of SD having total control over both of them. After all, who wants princess to be mad? The constant pumping her full of money, cleaning up all of her messes, allowing her to be disrespectful, paying for her car and car insurance, giving her an extra $500 a month for spending money, and giving her whatever she wanted was a recipe for disaster. She is now a completely defunct 30 year old who can't take care of herself. DH stopped being her personal bank years ago. She has now cleaned her mother and one of her brothers out. She believes it is everyone's job to take care of her. Of course she thinks this because this is how it has always has been. She can't complete a class at the junior college nor can she maintain employment. It would be over my dead body before I allowed one of my sons to turn out like this. My children are not perfect but I can help them move along towards a healthy and happy life if I do not enable them the way that DH and BM have done with SD.
Fortunately my kids never
Fortunately my kids never lied so I can't comment.
^^^HAHAHA^^^
^^^HAHAHA^^^
Parents believe lies about
Parents believe lies about the other parent for the same reason SMs believes lies dads tell them about BM. ( I never loved her, she tricked me, she's crazy, she's lazy, she never cooked, she never cleaned, she never took care of our kids, she mistreated me...)
People want to believe the negative stuff you hear about the peerson they dislike/hate. If the person telling the lie is someone you love, you want that person to think you're better than the other.
Not only do they believe the lies, but they will go above and beyond to do all the things dad claims BM never did.
BINGO! That was me when I was
BINGO! That was me when I was naive in the beginning of my marriage. That's why I said some of the SM's here won't get it. I'm not young and naive anymore and I know there are others here who have learned! I half believed the things about BM, and the funny thing is, now that we are friendly she has told me, "My mom and I debated whether I should tell you the truth about exh, but she said you wouldn't believe me anyway." And I know that exh went on to tell all kinds of elaborate lies about me when we split...
Now that my kids are getting up in age (11/12) I've seen lying, and I remember what broke me of it when I was 12/13...my mom calling me out on EVERY single one. I love my kids but I don't let that bond make me stupid. At least I don't think... Shoot, they could have me right where they want me LOL
I sometimes wonder if it is
I sometimes wonder if it is just a "man thing" in general- that they don't always pay close attention to little details. Heck, just last week I caught SD 21 trying to steal something of mine- a little item I bought for my work secret pal that I spent less than $1 for- and when I confronted her she lied right infront of DH. I confronted her again, and her story slightly changed. I flat out called her a liar... later, DH was like, "it sounds like a simple mistake, what's the big deal?"
Um, the big deal is, your daughter lied, stole and tried to hide it! Hell, if she'd have just asked, I'd have given it to her! But she's 21 and it's the real world...
And it makes me question slightly about why she might have been fired from her last job, cuz I sure as heck don't believe the story she told us...
If she will steal from you
If she will steal from you she is capable of stealing from anyone. It's just a question of her odds of getting caught. With luck she'll catch it for a few small things, like yours, and decide she's not born to steal and give it up.
You were right to confront her and not back down. Daddy is the one that doesn't get it.
Hi Catmom2. You hit the nail
Hi Catmom2. You hit the nail on the head. The constant excuses these parents make for their adult brats is nauseating :sick:
They need to open their eyes and realize that every time they make excuses for bad behavior that it is reinforcing to the step-demon that they can get away with anything as daddy will come to the rescue. I can't say it any better than you did.
That's a good point. My
That's a good point. My friend's son lied about falling off a bunk bed at his friend's house. He broke both wrists and needed surgery. The boy told some other kids what really happened (jumped off the neighbor's roof) and the truth got around to the father. BM had gone ballistic because she KNEW it wasn't from falling off a bunk bed, but the kid wouldn't tell her the truth (and she still doesn't know). The dad went off about BM being a *itch for calling their son a liar (even as he KNEW he had lied about it!!)
What kind of punishment do you think the kid got for lying? NONE. "Missing basketball season is punishment enough." Nooooo, missing basketball season is the consequence of doing something stupid, NOT lying. He knows he can lie to his dad and get away with it.
I thank God my mom called me out on my lies. I hated her for it, but to this day I still remember the stress that lying causes and it's just not worth it.
DH and I do not tolerate any
DH and I do not tolerate any kind of badmouthing of their other parents of any kind. We always insist they are respectful, but it's obvious SS11 still does this with BM, and she totally falls for it. SS8 definitely used to, not so sure now. It's annoying, and you can't really blame SS for it at this point, only because she's trained him to do it for the past 5 years. DH tried asking her to stop, failure. Tried taking her to court, failure. Can you really punish a puppy that's allowed to pee in the bathroom at his mother's house?
Lol no u sure can't....my
Lol no u sure can't....my skids do the same thing....lie lie lie....causes a big issue here between my dh n I....cause of the ex sm sticking her nose where it dont belong....in my case there is no bm...just ex step mom who thinks shes still the skids mom...but reality.....shes just living in her own made up world.....
My skids lie to DH all the
My skids lie to DH all the time-- he believes it every time. I'll even point out the discrepencies and he still believes them!
One time SD24 told him that the hickies on her neck were from her coat! LOL I laughed when he told me. Seriously??! Wow! "Well, why would she lie?" Um, hello!
And yes, we get that where skids will bad mouth their mother to us -- and I've told DH to NOT JOIN IN because they will do the same thing to him when they are with her. I told DH I don't believe anything they say about their mother because of the fact that they lie, lie, lie.
My daughter tried to get away with telling me stories about her Dad and his girlfriend when she was about 8, and I called her on it and told her I thought she was lying. She told me they never have any food in their house. Turns out "no food" means no sugar cereal that she likes! HA! I called her on it. She would try to bad mouth his girlfriend to me, and I just told her that it is really hard to be a step mom and to take it easy on her. Until his girlfriend started doing crazy shit with me -- then I started believing some of the stories! I wouldn't join in, but was even have ex telling me things about his girlfriend that were flat nuts -- if she wouldn't have been pulling crap with me, I wasn't going to believe it. But she was doing crazy things towards me too. Weird!
Thankfully they're no longer together.
I bet "there's no food in the
I bet "there's no food in the house" is the most frequent lie ever told by skids anywhere! LOL I can't tell you how many parents I know have heard that one. I think my sd did the same thing...
This is too funny. Not
This is too funny. Not really, of course, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is irritated by parents who believe everything out of their kids' mouths. I mean, they're kids. They lie. Those 2 things go together like peanut butter and jelly!