Overwhelmed and feeling smothered
I have avoided men with kids all my life. Swore I would never get envovled. Nope! Not me! Not Ever! Right....Got engaged to a man who lived in LA (I was in CA) and has a 9 yr old son. The relationship with this ex is good. They seem to co-parent fine. She was welcoming when we met and includes me in all things regarding him. Lately however I've been getting annoyed with how his laziness creates chaos in my life! He's constantly forgetting things, so me and his parents both have to scramble to make it work. No matter if its our week or hers. Which in my opinion is bogus because when I was a kid if I didn't have what I needed my mom wasn't making any special trips for me. He never does what we ask unless we remind him 100x and even then there's no guarantee
His mother is nice to me but a huge part of the disorganization and chaos that seems to be happening almost weekly now. I partially feel she creates these scenarios to have regular communication with my fiance because of some unfinished business she has on her end about their relationship (she's married and has a toddler) but thats another story.
My mother lives with us. She moved from CA because she saw this as an opportunity to get out of there and start new, but she hasn't. She instead stays home all day and take my car when she needs it. So the only time I have alone (my commute to and from work) is far and few between.
I think I've taken on too much for a step mom, I'm not cooking his dinners, helping him with laundry, picking him up the weeks we have him. My fiance is not really do much but parroting what I'm saying.
I feel like I'm a full fledged mom with no time for ME and I'm losing my damn mind.
Okay, time for pragmatic
Okay, time for pragmatic solution oriented action.
1. No more taking the Skid stuff he forgets. If he forgot it... he can do without. Doesn't matter what it is, lunch, homework, school supplies, musical instruments, clothes, etc, etc, etc..... let him feel the pain. 9yo is old enough to be responsible for not forgetting the basics.
2. Your mother... Get your car key back and cut her off from your car. PERIOD! Also.. in big red marker circle a date on the calendar and tell her that this the day she moves out. She fails to make that happen at her peril. Kind of the family version of "you aren't fired but you don't work here". She will of course still be your mother... but she will be responsible for her own life.
Quit taking on the drama that the Skid and your own mother represent. You aren't doing anyone any favors by continuing to shoulder this drama. No need to be rude. Just be direct, state the facts, and stick to your plan.
Stick to your guns.
Take care of you.
IT's crazy because I know
IT's crazy because I know this stuff but I feel bad for implementing me it! I did go home and set some ground rules.
Take a step back from dealing
Take a step back from dealing with the Skid. You aren't his parent. Let them deal with the laziness except for in situations where you're directly affected by it WITHOUT getting dragged into it such as if he is leaving his belongings or garbage all over common areas of the house that you spend time in. In that case, address your fiancé about this.
I liked Rags advice about how to deal with your mother. I understand that won't be easy but you cannot continue to enable her.
Hopefully you plan to have a nice long engagement so you have more time to feel this situation out. Really see if this is going to work between you two in the long run before you go tying the knot. Definitely carve out time for yourself other than just your work commute. If you aren't the best version of yourself than you will not have your best self to give to the important people in your life and things can even start to suffer at work.
Good luck hon!
Having my mother live with me
Having my mother live with me would be a much bigger issue than the skids and I suggest you resolve that pronto – take rags advice!
As for your SS, I can tell you from experience that running around pandering to kids will NEVER lead to them becoming responsible. My SD13 is extremely unorganised; she has recently been diagnosed with ADD and struggles massively with executive function skills (planning and organisation).
However, her biggest barrier is her attitude. Put simply, she does not want to plan ahead or help herself (like follow a ‘to do lists’ or pack her school bag at night when she’s not rushed, reminders on her phone, post-it notes etc – whatever works) because that would require effort on her part and she’s simply not interested. And after years of this rubbish I’ve had enough; I don’t baby her at all anymore although unfortunately DH and BM still do.
However, it’s really liberating to free yourself from that burden – leave it to your DH and BM. I don’t care if SD13 has what she needs for school – if she doesn’t she can see if DH or BM is willing to sort it out for her. I don’t care if she does her homework or when she has swimming or any of that stuff – I just keep telling her it’s her responsibility and nothing to do with me!
I agree with the
I agree with the above...
Stop getting forgotten things for SS, it's simply, sorry dude you forgot to pack you homework, take the punishment like a man, you forgot your shoes at mum's sorry dude you do not need shoes in the house - stop enabling him.
Your Mother.. tell her, mum I love you but it's time for you to get out, no more borrowing my car, start looking for your own apartment and a job.. you have 3 months to do this or I will ship you back home
I love all this feedback!
I love all this feedback! Because as I said to Rags! I feel bad for being the "bad guy" but not feeling the need to cater to this kid. I don't not love him, but yes! He's old enough to maintain his own crap. We don't ask much from him. And I feel because the BM doesn't enforce the rules she swore she would at her house because "it's important we are all on the same page" we are constantly retraining him.
Last night I didn't deal with the kid. I just took care of my fiance and our dogs.
My mom, I did tell her that the car is not available she needs to find other means. She was gracious. She has a job interview today! And I feel once she starts working she'll feel better about life and be ready to move on. She's another basket of issues. Which isn't my problem.
If I do any running around for him it's to make things easier for me and my fiance, not because I want to. Because if my fiance takes the time to accommodate this littler brat (sorry) then in turn it affects me, because now we're 20 mins to an hour behind getting to the gym, or cooking dinner, whatever, so I offer to do it so buy us time and save the rest of our day. BUT IT'S ALL TH THE TIME!!! And because his mother has something to prove she'll jump through burning hoops and then come to us about it. I DON'T CARE. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Thank you all for validating my feelings. I was feeling awful and being that I've not been in this situation I'm not sure where I step.
I did tell my SS last night, my house, my rules. I didn't care what he did or didn't do at his moms. At my home where me and his dad work to keep it nice and comfortable, he's got to carry his weight. It's how it goes in any family.
I have such a similar
I have such a similar situation. No kids of my own yet, I way over-volunteered to do things for us/the skid both because I wanted us to have a great relationship & also because it was just easier. And I too got way way burnt out. This forum has been such a relief.
I read a book called Love & Logic on parenting. I know there are tons of theories, no disrespect to others. It was a recommeded by a friend & was helpful to see what should be normal behavior for skid's age/stage of life. Not being a mom, there's a lot of insecurity about calling out some things or knowing what is reasonable. This book is all about letting kids feel the pain of their consequences when they're young & it's not a big deal. Forgetting your lunch, your musical instruments, forgetting your uniform at BM's house, etc. SD9 would leave her bookbag at our house or BM's house & cause these massive upheavals to plans to get it back to her. Now that we've nipped that mostly she's finding new things to forget. She tries to run our lives & be a mini-wife all the time but keeping up with her bookbag is "too hard." I let SO & BM handle these "emergencies" & never let it affect me. And I make sure SO is missing out on something good with me when he's dealing with the latest "emergency." I go hiking with our awesome dog, go check out some cool shop/festival we wanted to go to, etc. Basically Love & Logic him too.
Hooray for your mom. You're right, that's a whole separate thing.
I completely agree with the other advice on disengaging. I forget & re-engage & have to peel myself back (where I currently am). It's a tension to manage, not a problem that will be solved I think.
Hang in there & learn to tell the guilt to chill out.
Totally just bought that
Totally just bought that book. Coming for a place of independence and doing my own thing to having a full house of SO, SS, mom and 2 pups has been a blessed burden. I don't want to resent anyone for the things I choose to do. And I think "hey if I can do this with the SS then my SO doesn't have to worry and things are better" but I'm not! I was at a road block. I think I take personally as well when he "forgets" things. I have to set boundaries with our life as well. He is a kid who has more than he needs. I need to remember not to play the catcher when things drop.
Good for you for finding your balance and thank you for the book recommendation.