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OT- for parents of more than one biokid

PeanutandSons's picture

I figured I would ask this here, as people here are more honest with their true feelings than most other parenting boards.

Do you really love all your bio kids the same?

I have one BS(stb3) currently, and am expecting my second in 7 weeks. My BS is my absolute world. I'm just wondering how our dynamic will change when his little brother is born.

Is that whole line of "i love all my kids equally" that parents say just a load of crap they tell their kids? Or is it true?. Cause ill be honest, I love my BS more than the skids, and I love SS more than SD.

I'm just having a hard time grasping how I will love my two little guys as much as I love BS at the same time. Or will I have a favorite between my own kids?

New second wife-step-mom's picture

I have 4 bios of my own I love them all equally but I agree with pixelated. Just because I love them all equally doesn't mean that we all have the same interest. I naturally feel closer to my daughters at times than my sons because we are girls and enjoy some of the same things. I have one son that is an outdoorsman that I love to fish and camp with but he is a loner and doesn't usually ask me to go. Sad I have another son that I love to spend time with because he is very outgoing and he will ask me to do just about anything with him even shopping(at least until he got married). I love them all the same but at different times I have been closer to one or the other.

PrincessFiona's picture

I have two bios. I feel that I love them equally. They definatley have very different personalities and I connect with each of them in different ways but my love for them is equal. I honestly can not say I feel love stronger for either. I will say that I have a special bond with my son who was my first. But there is also that special place that DD holds as my baby.

I found that when DD was born I did special little things to make sure DS didn't feel slighted by the new baby. As she grew she became a very needy and clingy child and I found myself doing things purposely to make sure my son didn't resent the extra time and effort required for her. Even to this day as teens she is more 'high maintenance' and I try to squeeze in a little extra for DS as he is so easy going. I don't want him to be pushed aside because he is easy going.

DH often sees this as me favoring DS. If you asked him he would say he is my favorite. To me it is leveling/balancing my attentions. In any case, there is always enough love for all your children. Love multiplies, never divides. The bonds that are created when your own bios are born are not something you can compare to bring step children into your marriage.

Auteur's picture

I think you love them "differently" if that makes sense. In truth I was more ready to bond with Awesomeson than I was with Peg. I had her early in life and I really was not in love with hubby #1 nor he with me.

I THOUGHT I was in love with hubby #2, but he turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. I think I bonded more with Awesomeson than with Peg.

I'm sure my mother would say that about my younger sister over me as well.

ThatGirl's picture

Two sons, 24 and 21. I love them both equally, yet differently. They are two very different individuals, and I have different relationships with each, yet I would not call one relationship better than the other, nor could I chose one as my favorite.

Kilgore SMom's picture

I have 2 bio daughters and I love them equally.
My daughters are about 6 years apart in age. They are both awesome people. But they are nothing alike. My oldest daughter was a girly girl and my youngest daughter is more of a tom boy.
Favortism runs real bad in my family. Growning up my brother and sisters knew who were the favorites by the grandparents and our parents showing favortism. That is a very hurtful thing. I have always tried to never do that. So at Christmas and Birthdays they get the same thing. Some times it drives them crazy. But they know why I do that.
Money was a lot tighter when my oldest daughter was in High School her senior year the company I worked for closed and I lost my house and car. So I didn't get to buy her the things that all seniors would like to have. However, things were alot better 5 years later when my youngest daughter was a senior. I had married and was able to aford things that I couldn't before. It cause some hard feelings for awhile. But both my daughters are grown now and know that I did the best that I could. They will pout if they think one is getting more than the other. But from my stand point I love them just the same.

Poodle's picture

I have 2 of my own, aged 13 and 8. I think Peanutandsons, it is normal not to be able to imagine having any spare love for the second baby before it is born because you are giving so much of yourself to the first. There is nothing like a mother's love so you cannot imagine it being replicated to another child. That's the amazing beauty of it though. When your second is born, the bonding will all come naturally and you will see the wisdom of what everyone else has been saying here. Can't remember what book i read this in, but I love the saying "love is not a pie". YOu may divide time and attention differently between your children, but not the love and commitment itself. Don't worry, you'll get it when it happens! All the best with the birth!!!

BSgoinon's picture

I have 2 BD's. 10 and 8. I love them more than anything on earth. That said... they can both be little terds for sure, but BD8 is especially difficult. I know that she REGULARLY tests the patience of all of the adults in her life, not to mention BD10 and SS8. Funny part is, I think she is the most adorable thing on earth. She is a PIA, and I punish her a lot. But even when she is sitting in the corner, I think she is the cutest, funniest, smartest little shit alive. Wink

A mom's love is an amazing thing, it never seems to run out Smile

emotionaly beat up's picture

Guess I would say you love each and everyone of them the same in as much there is not one of them you would not give up your life for. But, some you may like better than others, perhaps because they share your interests more or have grown up to be kinder people. For example my youngest was my defiant problem child growing up, now she is very special to me, she is closer than the older daughter who has a a few uni degrees and a masters etc., and who at times can be quite superior, my son has a girlfriend and the old saying a daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son till he gets a wife, certainly rings true. But even though I feel closer to the youngest more down to earth child, I would still give up my life for the other two. As for SK's you can love them easily if they are open to being loved by you, but the are not your own bio child, so the love you have for steps is quite naturally different.