This is an excerpt from this link....http://www.mindfulnessclasses.com/lover.htm

Long,but reflective,maybe some may be interested,check it out when you have some time......

The typical story of the Martyr as a personality type is a painful love story that ends in suffering. They will go through this again and again over the years. Even the quest for love can be taken too far, and can automatically lead to repeated heartbreaks for the men and women who are trapped in perpetuating this painful and melodramatic syndrome. This is the area in the spectrum of our human personalities that accounts for most of the unhappiness in people's everyday lives. It is what all the "soap operas" are about. In the theater, this is the area of tragedy. "How could this happen to me?" The Martyr's story is the story of "lost love."

When Lovers grow to want and need love too much, they become Martyrs. Instead of letting love just "show up" when it does, Martyrs are always trying to make love happen. These are the people who suffer the most over love, not just at long intervals over major break-ups, but as a regular "style of life." They are easily wounded by those that they care for. "How could you do this to me?" They are spring-loaded to set themselves up for being hurt. They are always looking for intimacy and love. All this can bring much pain into their lives. They martyr themselves for love.

Instead of being fully invested in the other things that they are interested in, their lives might become indescriminate quests for having as many different partners as they can get, or having as much sex as humanly possible. Obviously, they are what is called "ammoral" in their disposition. They don't see anything wrong with this in particular, and they like to do it. Because of the great pleasure it brings them, no one can ever convince them that it is "wrong." (True, these people are regarded by certain others, *particularly Judges*, as "immoral." But they not only don't care, they think--often sympathetically--that the Judges are "uptight," and "missing out on a whole lot of pleasure.")

Martyrs make being loved more important than everything else in the world. They become wounded because they themselves *do* give so much tenderness and caring to others . . . but there is a hook in it. They have to get back as much as they have given, or else they feel demolished. It can become *impossible* to get back as much caring as Martyrs give because they do this giving as a selfish strategy to get more of it. Suffering over love becomes a dominating theme in their lives because of this.

"I don't get enough love." "You don't love me enough." "How can you treat me this way after all I've done for you?" "Give me something back to show me that you care!" In conversation with others, they are looking for *caring response*. "How did this happen?" They are seeking for a response that rationalizes to them that the other person cares. "You should care!!! I do everything that I can to make you happy." Martyrs are hurt when they perceive that they aren't getting as much love back as they give . . . or they don't even seem to be getting loved at all in return!

At this point, they are prone to start "laying guilt trips." Guilt trips are the manipulation of choice of Martyrs--making others feel bad because they don't love them in return. "You should . . ." "You should love me." "You shouldn't have let me love you and done me wrong this way." "You made me love you." "You did it to me." "You should treat me right, the same way that I've treated you . . . or feel guilty about it!" Unfortunately for them, other people *can't* reciprocate to this maneuver. It leaves them cold. Even if they would want to--to have some peace, for instance--they wouldn't be able to respond with the love that is manipulated for, unless it were to come up in them *spontaneously*. This is what Martyrs need to understand. Their manipulation is doomed from the start because it *turns the other person off*. "You never really loved me!" "You want me to hurt!" This is a bad act to put up with, and it is well along the road towards "lost love."

Martyrs may also become martyred in any social situation in life where they perceive they aren't getting back as much as they give--involving friends, relatives, or co-workers, as well as lovers.

"Obligating love," putting others on the spot to get caring treatment back from them just doesn't work. As explained above, real love can only arise in absolute freedom. (Ask for it outright, if you have to. But try not to ask for it because people owe it to you. "I'd like to be loved by you," would do.) However well intended, and however feasible it may seem, manipulating for love only drives love out of the picture. At best, only an artificial substitute remains. (And Martyrs, who are Lovers on the inside, are never quite satisfied with artificial substitutes for love. Yet, *they go on and on attempting to force love to happen anyway*! They can't help it. It's become their conditioned personality.

It is so classically ironic that those among us who want and need love the most only spoil it for themselves this way and keep it from happening by trying to make it happen too much. This is a perfect example of the fact that the personality in these types we are studying here takes the theme of the essence "too far." Pure love, taken too far, demands love in return. Martyrs need to learn to get back to just loving again, without any expectations. Let it happen. Try not to make it happen, at all! Just go about doing your thing as well as you can every day. Love will show up.