OK to engage w/only one SK?
Long story short, most of the time I really like my SD12 and equally dislike SS13. Unlike his sister, he doesn't say "please" or "thank you" and is rude, arrogant, just all around not a very nice person.
My original plan was to just stop entirely doing anything for the SK. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like its an undeserved punishment for SD and myself because I often have fun with her.
Having grown up with a sibling with a similar age difference, I've always been very careful about "fairness". I spend the same amount on their gifts, plan equal number of activities, pretend to show equal interest.
Can I just throw that out the window and do what I what with and for my SD and pretty much ignore SS? Is that just cruel and unusual punishment? Thoughts, opinions, advice are much appreciated.
*what I want with
*what I want with
I have limited interaction
I have limited interaction with sd14 and am more willing with ss10. I feel like there is still hope for him and sd14 has already made up her mind. The sad part is that both are rather sweet most of the time and are severely impacted by their BM, swayed to dislike and distrust me.
Very good point. I feel like
Very good point. I feel like sd14 is just not interested in interaction. There are times I feel like I need to try more and others I just want to retreat. Not sure what to do anymore.
I do it to a degree. I can't
I do it to a degree. I can't stand OSD, but YSD is alright.
crazytrain, you see all! This
crazytrain, you see all! This actually happened the last time I tried to disengage: I stopped going out of my way for SK but more so for SS, SS tells BM I'm mean, BM tells kids I hate all men and worse, SK behavior got worse.
I totally do this and I don't
I totally do this and I don't care. SS16 ignores me (and I him), I adore SD 23 and she adores me (says I'm the best parent she's ever had and wishes I had raised her), and SD 25 is impartial. Does it show? Hellz yeah. SD 23 gets more meaningful and thoughtful gifts, I do favors for her, I help her, I bring her treats, and we enjoy each others company.
Why should I feign fake relationships with two who do nothing and give nothing and contribute nothing? Nope, I'm civil and I still treat them well, just not AS well as SD 23. None of them have ever mentioned in a negative light, and have joked that its clear who my favorite is. If anyone ever commented in a negative way I would absolutely tell them "You get what you give."
I also treat my skids
I also treat my skids different from each other, for the same reason I treat my DD12 different than the skids. Parents lie when they say they don't have favorites.
As long as the difference in treatment isn't intentionally hurtful, but instead focuses on rewarding appropriate or respectful behavior, or focuses on a shared interest that the other (s)kids don't have, then I say it's fine.
But I don't have a BM to deal with either, so take my opinions with a grain of salt.
Agree completely!
Agree completely!
Since you're married to the
Since you're married to the father the business of "hating all men" sounds a little fuzzy and I think even kids will figure it out eventually. I wouldn't punish the girl for the bad vibes between you and the boy. Let him reap what he sows.
Tell your husband what's up of course and ask him to step up his attention.
"Tell your husband what's up
"Tell your husband what's up of course and ask him to step up his attention."
If only doing so mattered :/
This is so much more
This is so much more productive than arguing both sides in my head for weeks.
I'm going to cut WAY back on anything I do for either SK and I'm going to make sure to do only things I actually want to do, which will cut out almost anything for/with SS. I'll still be sweet as pie to him and I would never be purposefully hurtful. But I'm not going to plan a lesson for him, buy him bday gifts or make his favorite meal just the way he likes it. If my SD asks nicely to do something together and I feel like it, I'm not going to tell her "no". If I see something on sale that she would just love, I'm gonna buy it. Pretty sure this subject will get brought up in conversation soon and I'll have the right answer.
"You get what you give."
Its not the same thing, but
Its not the same thing, but SD14 and her cousin, girl13 hang out together all of the time.
The cousin is fantastic and I adore having her around. DH noticed the difference in interaction and it caused friction until I explained it right out to him. Cousin seeks me out, is engaging, and generally a cool kid to be around. Skid talks when she wants something or is telling me how awesome she is, or how awesome her batshit BM is. She holes herself up in her room (GOOD!) and for the most part ignores me. For the most part, I treat her the way she treats me. I spent 5yrs trying- i'm over it.
I can't help but think that if they were siblings it would be the same, but I don't know if i would just shut down from both?
duplicate
duplicate
When Faux (exSS9) was still a
When Faux (exSS9) was still a part of our lives, I tried very, very hard to interact with him in a meaningful way. In the beginning, when we first introduced our kids to each other, Faux was my shadow. He followed me everywhere, talked my ear off, wanted to go everywhere with me, and always chose me to read him a story and tuck him in at night. As soon as we were married, the PAS began. Faux began to act like he hated not only me, but DH and BS as well. He didn't even interact with SS15 at our house. Once the psycho behavior started (suicide threats, giving me the finger behind my back, laughing when I got hurt, etc.) I stopped interacting. DH and I made sure nobody was ever alone in a room with him to help prevent abuse allegations.
So yes, I only interacted with the one skid, SS15. He was interested. He enjoyed conversing and hanging out with me. He's not an ass. (He's lazy as Hell and a liar, but he's not an a-hole).
I would, of course, treat both skids kindly and do what you'd normally do for them, but SD12 shouldn't be punished just because SS13 is being a jackass. Continue to interact with her and limit unnecessary interaction with him.