I'm a first time blogger, although a long time reader. I have a DH of three years, SD10, SS6, new baby due this Winter, and BM whom I can't understand. We live over an hour away from the kids during the week, but have them pretty much every weekend. About once every two months, something sets BM off and she threatens to take DH back to court for more money.

No matter what we do, nothing is good enough for her. When she needs us to take the kids an extra Saturday night, we do it. When she needs us to pick them up early on Fridays so that she can work longer, we do it. When she can't afford a Halloween costume for the kids, we buy it. Child support is supposed to cover the necessities: food, clothing, shelter. I get that. But she asks us to pay an extra amount of money to cover the kids' school lunches, and we add that onto our monthly payment. But she still complains. We give her money specifically for food for lunches, and she stills finds a way to spend it on something else. This might just be a manipulation on the kids' part, but they complain that we barely buy them toys while BM buys them whatever they want all the time. If that is true, maybe that is why we seem to have more cash on hand than her. We are better savers. She even expects DH to pay for 100% of medical bills when it clearly states in their divorce decree that those are to be split 50/50. She wants my DH to submit an I/E form to her because we are a dual income household while she is single, and she has "more expenses" than us. First of all, in California, my income can only be factored into the calculation for tax purposes, and that can actually work in our favor. He pays more taxes because of my income. Second, how are her expenses any different from ours? DH pays for half the daycare. DH pays for half their school lunches. DH pays for 100% of their weekend food (which amounts to A LOT). We buy our own clothes for the kids as every time we pick them up, they are dressed in shorts and t-shirts which is fine for weather where she lives, not fine for weather where we live. Finally, in California, although there is a part of the I/E form that deals with expenses, expenses are not even a part of the calculation! If I am wrong about this, please let me know!

A big complaint of hers is that she gives up a lot of her time for the kids, and we do not. True, she has them 65% of the time and we have them 35% of the time, but all this giving up of her time is done during her 65% of the time. If they stay home sick from school during the week, of course she has to stay home with them. It's her 65% of the time. If they are sick on the weekends, we are stuck (happily) at home with the kids. That is OUR 35% of the time. My DH does his best to spend more time with them, to do things for them. He goes to their parent-teacher conferences, back-to-school nights (all during her 65% of the time) and we live over an hour away. It's not an easy commute, but he is there. There are of course some events that he can't get out of work for (like a field trip on a Thursday afternoon during her custody) and she holds that over his head that she is a better parent because she is there and he is not.

Now, she has begun the "new baby freakout." Because she has spoken to friends whose ex-husbands have forgotten about their prior children once the new baby arrives, she is nervous that my DH will forget about their kids once our baby arrives. Anyone who knows my DH or me knows that we would never forget about our first two kids. We love them very much and they are our family. All three of our children are (will be)equals. I don't doubt that things are going to change when the new baby arrives, but don't things change for any family when a new baby arrives-- even when there is no divorce involved? Also, we live in a two-bedroom house. The kids obviously share a room, but now with the new baby, we are having to add onto our house so that our oldest child can have her own room. It's very expensive, but it's something that we want to do so that three kids don't have to share a small room forever.

I really wish that BM and I could be friends. I think that we would be very good allies-- we both love the kids and want the best for them. DH has a huge support system of various family members (plus DH has me) but BM does not seem to have anyone she can really count on. It must be really hard to feel so alone, like she's in it all by herself. But she's not. At the same time, it's really hard to take that first step in becoming her ally when she's so nasty to my husband and his family. She even blames DH and her lack of communication on me-- that I am preventing it, when it reality, he barely wants to talk to her because most conversations end in "I'm taking you to court." I just don't know what to do because I let her get to me. It stresses me out and that cannot be good for the baby. I just wish that everyone got along, but nothing is ever enough for her. The more we do, the angrier she seems to be. What can I do?