I posted awhile back that I do not love my SD12. And she lives with us full time. I don't hate her but I don't love her either. We have no bond. If she left would I be sad? Maybe. Would I try to stop her? No. We co-exist. That's it. Somedays are hellish, some days less hellish.
I love my DH, and thats why I am here. He is my everything and I will not allow SD to come in between that.
I felt like a bad person too. That there was something wrong with me. But there isn't. This is who I am, this is how I feel. And this is how I will be.

...I have a question for you?

Does your SD in any way remind you of the BM? Do you hold resentment towards the BM?

This is what happens to me: whenever I look at my 4yr old SS, it reminds me of his mother. I think we all share that in common. After all, these are not our own children. We can only care so much. I feel bad sometimes too, especially when my BF mentions that I really dont want to be in our relationship b/c he has a son. He doesnt realize that I cant love his son as if he were my own..b/c at the end of the day...hes not my own. You're not a bad person...this is completely normal. This site has helped me realize that.

Well it sould be. I think your feelings are very normal.. I very much aggrivates me to know that my husband had a sexual contact (jack night or not) with BM. It really grosses me out to the point of vomit. She is a walking and talking reminder. Question is can you handle it?

DH can also mean dick head! Do not allow him to make you feel like a bad person for your feelings. They belong to you and they are real. He has had her for 10yrs., he cannot expect you just to LOVE someone in a few short years. That is an unreasonable expectaion. Does your BM interfere? Most little girls are very possesive with thier fathers and can create a competion subconsciencously. I would never tell you to be the bigger person, because I have been told that too many damn times and it doesn't help. Tell hubby how you feel, and take his reply and go think. 10y/0 it doesn't stop at 18 for real! Can you deal?

Glad you found this forum, I really wished that I had found it a long long time ago.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

I know from experience that a child will sometimes try and "replace" the absent parent. In your case, the BM, even though you are there. Perhaps SD sees you as a threat because she doesn't understand why her parents aren't together, perhaps she's hoping that her parents will get back together and that places you "in the way" or perhaps she is only mirroring how BM feels about you....there could be a lot of reasons....children just don't always know how to express themselve verbally, so they "act out" in different ways.
Personally, I would sit down and have a talk with SD and see if she'll reveal how she "really" feels about you. One on one would probably work best, that way she doesn't disappoint DH by revealing her true feelings...but involve DH in the end.
Hope you can work things out with SD. We too deal with the endless parade of SK's running home and telling BM things so that she'll disapprove. BM has worked very hard to "condition" them to do this.
Hang in there!!

I suppose its not unusual for a 10yo to lay upon her dad,but the time is coming, sooner rather than later, that she is going to be too old for that.
You aren't required to like her or love her, but sounds like H may have some valid points. She doesn't live with you so your interactions should be on a limited basis and whats not to like about her?
All of us SMs have struggled with the SD/BF relationship. I came to terms with my thoughts, put it in a shoe box in the top of the closet, and rarely ever take it down or deal with it. That relationship is what it is, it is totally different than the relationship that we have, and H is the common thread. Just try to get beyond the junk and be happy.

Do you have some extra space in that closet for my shoebox. I think if I stored it at your place it would be harder for me to get at it.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

I've always got room for one more shoe box. LOL

Stepwitch J.Geils band covered this version in the 80,s "love stinks. yeah, yeah"
Smoke07, I am not sure what to suggest except perhaps to further investigate your own feelings and dive deeper as to perhaps why you do not like her. Is it feeling there is a spy amongst you if she reports everything to BM? Is it that she is so perfect and perhaps a little less would be easier to swallow? Maybe if you figure out more you can better work at overcoming.
U R not a bad person, because you love one , does not necessarily mean you love another by connection. It may mean you want to, but does not mean you do.

I have to confess... (actually confessed this to my dh 2 nights ago) that I do not like SD9, however.. I do like SS9. That SD9 can be cold, rude and unappreciative... we got into a huge fight because he said you never liked them.. I said.. oh.. that is not true.. I liked them when they were 4, and I liked them when they were 5 and most of when they were 6.. but at some point.. BM poisoned sd9 against me.. and she is not nice to me. I dont HAVE to like/love your children, I just have to treat them w/respect. And if I dont get respect, then I will be disengaging.

He was furious.. yes you DO have to love them.. I kept saying.. no i dont... you are being unreasonable.

So.. for all the world to see.. I like SS9. He is a good boy and not manipulative, he is turning out just like his father.. I do NOT like SD9.. she is JUST like her mother.. and her mother is abusive towards me. She assualted me almost 2 yrs ago and has never apologized. I only hope that SD9 does not follow in her mothers steps, thinking that she should ever lay a hand on another person!

Hi, welcome to the site, I am new too, but in the short week I've been here, it has helped me tremendously. I have 2 SD's and dont like either of them. Thank God the oldest moved out in March 2007, she's 18 and pregnant, didnt want to listen to the rational parents. Anyway, SD16 lives with us full time as BM is mentally ill. I don't like her either. I used to love them both, very much. Over time however, getting kicked in the teeth over and over and over etc, you kinda lose the lovin feelin! Anyway, my point is that it does happen to the best of us, but it does NOT make you a bad person. Does SD come over every weekend? Maybe when she's there, you could involve yourself in some other activity away from them. Take up scrapbooking or take some classes in karate or anything, just to get out of the house. On the flip side, you could find something your SD likes a lot and immerse yourself in it and maybe you would bond with her over it???? I used to feel really bad about the feelings I had for SDs, and was afraid that if I didn't like them, DH would leave. I have since told him how I feel, and he didn't leave. He just said that I should try to get along better with SD16. Really not a snowballs chance in hell. Good luck and I hope this site helps you.

I love my boys, love them and they are a gift from God BUT , just like me, and everyone else ,they are not perfect and families that see children w/o flaw disgust me. Actually let's evn use word weaknesses rather then flaw.
I am taking some college courses in education and am not kidding that TODAY my prefessor was saying how e/o had age group they meshed better with. Truth ne know I have always disliked 8 y/os and my prof said she HATED< yes , used this term, 3rd grade GIRLS becasue they were learning to be so mean, so when I read your email I thought it quite the coincidence.
Don't know what to suggest, but I do that sometimes if we act a certain way, the emotion can follow, it is suggested in marriage counseling to walk the walk and hope the feelings follow. Doesn't mena you shouldn't be respected when you need that get away time .
I can imagine this is really tearing you up. Oh and the thing about the insuklting others clothes, I would suggest to DH some family volunteering inner city such as soup kitchen, angel tree(let her help deliver presents) etc. Empathy is not just natural, it is nurtured by parents. I might even ask husband to tell her that if she ever makes acomment like that again , Goodwill be her next shopping exoerience. ( I actually went there 3 weeks ago to help a teen girl who asked me to help her dress 80's for a party, I ended up buying a skirt!)
Hang in there and keep venting here, it does help

I am sorry smoke...My FH found my blogs on here and believe me that were not kind, they were the truth -I did blog about my feelings toward his Bkids. It really hurt him, and I told him that I was sorry to hurt him but that what I wrote was true and that this site has helped me understand our relationship more, I told him (we are not married) if he wanted to leave me I would understand (cuz I do not know if I would stay if the shoe was on the other foot) but he said to me that he loved me and wanted to be with me and that we would work thru the kid issues.
SO I think it is pretty crappy fo your H to treat you that way- he obiviously seems to not care about your feelings only his..
sounds like he has some growing up to do.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

OMG my ex was always telling me how selfish I was cuz I worked late and couldnt feed our family a hot meal or cuz I wanted to go run on the treadmill for a half hour or cuz I wanted to go out with a girlfriend..
but he wasnt selfish for playing softball every wednesday night or staying out late with the guys at a strip joint OR his manly meeting he had once of month with the boys in the neighborhood..
sheesh..

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

smoke.. my dh is the same way.. he feels that because I love him... that means I should LOVE his kids.. despite the fact that SD9 is rude and disrespectful toward me at times.

I feel like I cant be honest w/my dh most times because he takes this huge offense to what I am saying. Cant tell you how many times I have bit my tongue. I told him the other night though how I felt.. he wasnt too happy.. but I think is starting to understand.. I think. I explained to him that I used to like them a lot.. and now I like one of them.. the other.. not so fond of.. Does that mean that I wont treat her w/respect?? no.. but if she starts to disrespect me, I told him if he didnt do anything about the disrespect, then he has left me only the room to disengage.

I do think you are damned if you do, and damned if you dont. Because I know that I am!!!

DH becomes irrational when it comes to his kids and ANYONE (other than him and BM) saying anything other than they are angels.

Yeah.. I kind of resigned myself to that understanding (that my feelings are "unjustified" and not correct) about a year and a half ago..

I think that sometimes they might feel its a reflection on them.. (dh's) but really its not.. the things that bug me about SD9 are things that her BM does.. and she is turning out JUST LIKE HER.. and that is who really is to blame... I know he cant change her behavior in 4 days a month... but seriously.. he needs to stay on her so that she at least is respectful in our home.