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1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Fri, 10/15/2010 - 8:06pm

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Today I was talking to a friend of mine who is now 42. When she was very young her parents divorced and her father remarried when she was 5. She gave me some helpful insight into SD7 because she treated her SM pretty much the same way I am being treated. She said that because her BM was kind of crazy, her SM just existing as a healthy, intelligent, innately good human being caused her to hate and resent her because it invalidated everything she believed about her BM (that she was perfect, a great mom etc.) So she acted out and treated her SM horribly out of anger and resentment of the contradiction it caused in her faith in her mother. Just something to think about for those of us trying our best and wanted to share...

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Fri, 10/15/2010 - 8:26pm

Well unfortunately because of the years of my friend being manipulative and trying to destroy her SM (which she deeply regrets now) her SM's communication's with her are limited and strained. But it was nice to hear commentary from that side of the equation from an adult's point of view.

halfstepmom2skids's picture

Submitted by halfstepmom2skids on Fri, 10/15/2010 - 8:30pm

My friend too shared her skid story with me. She said she hated her SM, who she lived with full time, cuz mom was a selfish jerk. She said she hated her SM because her dad always stuck up for her when it came to parenting her. She is 38 now and she likes, not loves, her SM.

fugfrog's picture

Submitted by fugfrog on Sat, 10/16/2010 - 4:13am

That is so interesting and I'm glad you put it up! I think I will take that into account when I see ss next. Thanks - I really think that is such a valid emotional response from a child and I'm impressed your friend could admit that she felt that way.
It doesn't make it easier when your being treated like crap - but it helps to understand and forgive it. Thanks for sharing!

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Sat, 10/16/2010 - 7:30am

I have always thought that was a big part of ss's issue with me. His mom is sorta crazy-I'm not. When I was involved in parenting ss-I did an awesome job (sorry patting myself on the back)-but he was always where he needed to be on time, he regularly attended dr's and dental appts, he always had supervision/assistance with his homework-I wasnt drunk all the time. You know. Normal things.

donna123's picture

Submitted by donna123 on Sat, 10/16/2010 - 10:59pm

Very good point. I also agree that if the stepadults are approaching 40 and remain unremorseful and unempathetic or are unprepared to consider their father's happiness over their own demands, then it likely ain't ever gonna happen.

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Sun, 10/17/2010 - 6:02pm

Yes, in my situation I think it is a mix of jealousy over any time DH spends with me and not SD and confusion/anger/hatred due to the fact that unintentionally just by being myself I make BM look bad because she is mentally unstable and only worries about appearances not actions. I may not come across as the sweetest perfect mommy in the world but I do what is best. BM does as much as she can when people are around to come across as perfect and as soon no one is around she goes back to ignoring/putting off SD. She only sees her 2 months out of the year and doesnt bother to call but once every few weeks. I am here every day doing what needs to be done whether I am liked for it or not. But now I am disengaging to be less hurt/disappointed. Understanding all of this in the end does not make it easier to deal with but at least gives me some comfort that maybe what I am doing wrong is doing things right. Confusing in the least but comforting to me.